z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Prophecy Revealed Chapter 3.2

by Honora


Previously: After Evrial's embarrassing misfortune, she was pampered by everyone. 

She looked at him, pretending to be offended and shooed him out the door. She closed the door and smiled as she heard his low laugh distance itself from her room.

Even though he said it as a joke, she really couldn't disagree with him. She walked over to the steaming bath and dropped her clothes to the ground. The hot water felt wonderful as it rose up to her aching shoulders and neck. She added a few drops of her favorite oil which was scented pine/wild berry and she adopted the scent as her own.

That oil had been the reason for compliments more often than not. What was truly amazing was that she had become friends with the owner of the little shop of oils and he had promised that particular oil would never be sold to anyone else. She appreciated it much not only because it would pull his business back a little but because she would be the only woman to have this "perfume.”

It was nearing supper when she finally decided to get out of the bath. It's cold now anyway. The pain in her arm had dulled a little but she still winced when she pulled her clothes on. She had been ordered by Mr. Cander and Cowan that she wouldn't go into the kitchen that day but she still slipped in unnoticed. Thank the heavens Mr. Cander wasn't there or else she might have been given a good talk about listening to his “request.”

She did as much as she could with one arm to help Rachel, who was still working with that dazed look she wore earlier. She had never seen the cheerful girl so dreary and tired before. If it had been further into the day she would have passed it off without a thought but it was only before supper. Maybe she would ask her about it later.

She managed with difficulty to help with supper but she couldn't do the dishes as she usually did, so instead she just went to her room. She changed into her nightgown and was almost asleep when a soft knock came on her door. She groaned and rolled her eyes in frustration but forced a smile on her face as she opened the door.

To her surprise, Dalex stood there. Before she could say anything, her eyes widened, is he that broad? She never noticed how big the man was until he stood in front of her low doorway...his bulk wasn't made up of fat either. He wore a shirt that was borderline too small for him but she didn't mind how much of his muscle it displayed. Do I invite him in?

He smiled at her and his cheeks colored slightly, "Evrial! I just came to see how you were getting along. Good, I hope?"

She returned his smile. His manner of speaking sounded like he had rehearsed what to say. At the thought of it, her smile widened and all thought of sleeping disappeared, "I am doing well, thank you. You really didn't have to bother coming up, it was only a fall.”

"It was really no bother," his eyes fell to her swollen wrist, "has anyone looked at that?" When she shook her head he offered, "I have some training as a physician. If you want I could check it."

She accepted his offer and stepped to the side, inviting him to enter her small quarters. She lit the candle on her end table and motioned for him to sit on her bed. He only sat after she did and took her hand into his own. His callouses were rough against her skin as he worked in silence and examined it. He turned it this way and that and her wrist screamed in agony but she refused to let the pain show on her face.

He was close enough that she breathed in his scent. She could smell a mix of wood, horse, (due to being a stable boy) and...Cinnamon? Why was such a man in such a lowly position? His bulk could no doubt be used as a mercenary and having some tricks in healing could be used in so many places. He could at least be hired out as a bodyguard or something of the sort.

Curiously she glanced at him and then at his face which was gazing intently at her hand. His eyes held no anger or regret; a rare thing in these lands. Everything about him was rare. Down to the sandy blonde hair that hung around his ears, he was different. She found herself wanting to know more about him so she chanced a question, "Where are you from, Dalex?"

His face hardened as she asked the question and she immediately regretted asking him anything. His blue eyes flicked up and met her own before he answered, his voice tight, "I am not from around here if that is what you are asking.” Touchy subject I guess.

She shouldn't have pushed it but as usual, her curiosity won out, "That wasn't what I asked.” She tried her very best not to look intimidated by his subtle warning and keep her curious look. Even though she barely knew him, she knew that he wouldn't hurt her and she was dying to know something about him. Anything really.

She almost sagged with relief when a moment later, his tone softened as he spoke, "I am from Lithian.” It explained everything. His build, his beautiful features and his likeable personality. It definitely explained why he was good with horses and stuck as a stable boy. Lithian was Calderon’s neighboring kingdom which had been conquered in a war years ago. It left Lithian enslaved to King Isaac’s rule. She knew that slaves were brought to Calderon as a prize and that they were still around but...Dalex? Was he a slave?

"Are you a slave?" She couldn't stop the words from leaving her lips and kicked herself mentally for being so inconsiderate.

His hands stopped moving around her wrist and he raised his head to meet her gaze, "No. "

He was Lithian and wasn't a slave...she knew somuch. She wanted to push him for details and even though he told her that, she wanted to know more. She couldn't understand why she felt such curiosity but she couldn't help it either. Somehow, she managed not to ask him another question and just smiled at him.

He stood and was about to leave when he turned to face her with a grim face, "Bad news," he paused and motioned to her wrist, "it's sprained. Go to the healer tomorrow and have her put it in a sling. I am afraid that you won't be able to work sufficiently for a few days and will most likely have to leave the kitchen for that time. Good-night, Evrial."

"Good-night, Dalex.” She shut the door and took a deep breath. That went well. Her body sagged and she wandered over to her bed, positive that it would take her a long while to fall asleep but to her surprise, she fell asleep minutes after her head hit the pillow. Rough day, she guessed.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 574
Reviews: 47

Donate
Sun May 19, 2019 5:13 am
SubSubLibrarian says...



Hey!
I just ended up here by chance, but I like action and adventure, so maybe I'll stick around for a while.

Where do I begin? I like the writing style and the words you use, but there are some things that can be improved. One of the main things is that the way Evrial's thoughts are written is a bit repetitive and some of them seem out of place in the context. Like when she thinks "Is he really that broad?" That seems like an odd thought. Obviously he is that broad. And some form of the word "curious" is used four times.

I also think it's weird that she thinks about how fast she fell asleep after she fell asleep. I usually don't experience that and I don't think most other people have such deep thoughts about their sleeping habits during that time.

I haven't read previous chapters, but I'm looking forward to it. It seems like a great story so far. Keep up the good work!




User avatar
47 Reviews


Points: 574
Reviews: 47

Donate
Sun Apr 28, 2019 11:12 pm
View Likes
SubSubLibrarian wrote a review...



Hey!
I just ended up here by chance, but I like action and adventure, so maybe I'll stick around for a while.

Where do I begin? I like the writing style and the words you use, but there are some things that can be improved. One of the main things is that the way Evrial's thoughts are written is a bit repetitive and some of them seem out of place in the context. Like when she thinks "Is he really that broad?" That seems like an odd thought. Obviously he is that broad. And some form of the word "curious" is used four times.

I also think it's weird that she thinks about how fast she fell asleep after she fell asleep. I usually don't experience that and I don't think most other people have such deep thoughts about their sleeping habits during that time.

I haven't read previous chapters, but I'm looking forward to it. It seems like a great story so far. Keep up the good work!




Honora says...


Thank you! I agree, that thought was a bit out of place wasn't it...my bad lol. I'm happy you like it though! :D



User avatar
232 Reviews


Points: 1378
Reviews: 232

Donate
Wed Mar 20, 2019 8:26 pm
LadyBug says...



DISCLAIMER: I suck at explaining things so if anything I say sounds weird, like I've lost it, TELL ME!

Hey hey hey! You are really good with your review so I'm going to go through this line by line to return the favor. I really enjoy this series and I'm so excited to share my thoughts with its author. You may call me Professor Jade ;) (JK)
Let's begin :)
Please don't take any of this in the wrong way. I don't mean to be rude and I really want to help improve writing. I might be a bit harsh but I'm not being harsh... that doesn't make sense.

PARAGRAPH ONE:
She looked at him, pretending to be offended and shooed him out the door. She closed the door and smiled as she heard his low laugh distance itself from her room.

So, this was a great way to start the chapter. It caught my attention and seems borderline romantic but not over the top. The line:
"pretending to be offended and shooed him out the door."
Doesn't flow, though. Maybe instead of and do a she and some commas in the needed spots? It might sound better.

PARAGRAPH TWO:
Even though he said it as a joke, she really couldn't disagree with him. She walked over to the steaming bath and dropped her clothes to the ground. The hot water felt wonderful as it rose up to her aching shoulders and neck. She added a few drops of her favorite oil which was scented pine/wild berry and she adopted the scent as her own.

This paragraph is great but kinda lacking detail (I mean of the room/bath and all that.... don't give us anything perverse, please!) Think the five sense, you explained the feel, the smell, but not the sounds and the view. If you provide all these details it'll feel more like your there. But also watch out that you don't bore readers with too much info. For example, tell us what the tub is made of, like marble etc. But we don't need to know the exact measurements of the tub XD.

The next few paragraphs are good. Skipping down some.

He was close enough that she breathed in his scent. She could smell a mix of wood, horse, (due to being a stable boy) and...Cinnamon? Why was such a man in such a lowly position? His bulk could no doubt be used as a mercenary and having some tricks in healing could be used in so many places. He could at least be hired out as a bodyguard or something of the sort.

Watch out for using parenthesis. I've figured out they're more commonly used in articles than stories. But thanks for the detail, without it I would have been like wha??? But maybe incorporate into the paragraph better? Wood is my favorite smell and cinnamon is my signature scent so I very much approve of this man XD!

She almost sagged with relief when a moment later, his tone softened as he spoke, "I am from Lithian.” It explained everything. His build, his beautiful features and his likeable personality. It definitely explained why he was good with horses and stuck as a stable boy. Lithian was Calderon’s neighboring kingdom which had been conquered in a war years ago. It left Lithian enslaved to King Isaac’s rule. She knew that slaves were brought to Calderon as a prize and that they were still around but...Dalex? Was he a slave?

You say the word Lithian a lot. Maybe tone it down. Just a personal preference, though. It's your book and your writing style. I do love the amount of info you give but watch out for what writers call an "info dump."

That's when you tell us info instead of showing it. When you show us it feels more real, like we're in the story, instead of like we're reading a history book. Like maybe she says, "Lithian is Calderon's neighboring kingdom, right?"

It just seems better, right?

LASTLY:

He stood and was about to leave when he turned to face her with a grim face, "Bad news," he paused and motioned to her wrist, "it's sprained. Go to the healer tomorrow and have her put it in a sling. I am afraid that you won't be able to work sufficiently for a few days and will most likely have to leave the kitchen for that time. Good-night, Evrial."

when he turned to fave her with a grim face

That sounds off. Say it aloud. Maybe change it to: he turned to her with a grim face. Or, he turned to face her with a grim expression. You get the point. Saying face twice corrupts the flow so the flow doesn't flow as much as it should flow. (Don't overuse the word flow, too XD)

OVERALL:
I love this series and I'm definitely joining the fandom. Don't feel like you have to take any of my advice, I'm (at most) a mediocre writer and you should find your own style. My overall thoughts are she talks to herself a lot, maybe incorporate what she thinks into the story so the readers think it instead of you having to write every thought down so it'll go in the reader's head?

EXAMPLE:
Wow, thought Bob. He looked up and thought, the ceiling could fall in on me any moment. It has so many cracks.

INSTEAD:
Wow, Bob thought to himself. He looked up and counted the cracks on the ceiling while taking deep breaths. He didn't want to have to stay in this cabin any longer then he had to.



Please keep writing this and I hope this helps you! Good luck.

Your friend,
JadeLotus ;)




Honora says...


Thank you Professor Jade! ;) Everything you said has a valid point and I am glad you told me! I will definitely take all of this with me as I write. I am especially happy that you like it. :) The next part should be coming out soon!



Honora says...


Thank you Professor Jade! ;) Everything you said has a valid point and I am glad you told me! I will definitely take all of this with me as I write. I am especially happy that you like it. :) The next part should be coming out soon!



LadyBug says...


:D



Honora says...


I actually have one question. What exactly did you mean by this, %u201Cshe talks to herself a lot, maybe incorporate what she thinks into the story so the readers think it instead of you having to write every thought down so it%u2019ll go in the readers head?%u201D I know what you are saying but sontbat the same time :D



User avatar
232 Reviews


Points: 1378
Reviews: 232

Donate
Wed Mar 20, 2019 8:26 pm
LadyBug wrote a review...



DISCLAIMER: I suck at explaining things so if anything I say sounds weird, like I've lost it, TELL ME!

Hey hey hey! You are really good with your review so I'm going to go through this line by line to return the favor. I really enjoy this series and I'm so excited to share my thoughts with its author. You may call me Professor Jade ;) (JK)
Let's begin :)
Please don't take any of this in the wrong way. I don't mean to be rude and I really want to help improve writing. I might be a bit harsh but I'm not being harsh... that doesn't make sense.

PARAGRAPH ONE:
She looked at him, pretending to be offended and shooed him out the door. She closed the door and smiled as she heard his low laugh distance itself from her room.

So, this was a great way to start the chapter. It caught my attention and seems borderline romantic but not over the top. The line:
"pretending to be offended and shooed him out the door."
Doesn't flow, though. Maybe instead of and do a she and some commas in the needed spots? It might sound better.

PARAGRAPH TWO:
Even though he said it as a joke, she really couldn't disagree with him. She walked over to the steaming bath and dropped her clothes to the ground. The hot water felt wonderful as it rose up to her aching shoulders and neck. She added a few drops of her favorite oil which was scented pine/wild berry and she adopted the scent as her own.

This paragraph is great but kinda lacking detail (I mean of the room/bath and all that.... don't give us anything perverse, please!) Think the five sense, you explained the feel, the smell, but not the sounds and the view. If you provide all these details it'll feel more like your there. But also watch out that you don't bore readers with too much info. For example, tell us what the tub is made of, like marble etc. But we don't need to know the exact measurements of the tub XD.

The next few paragraphs are good. Skipping down some.

He was close enough that she breathed in his scent. She could smell a mix of wood, horse, (due to being a stable boy) and...Cinnamon? Why was such a man in such a lowly position? His bulk could no doubt be used as a mercenary and having some tricks in healing could be used in so many places. He could at least be hired out as a bodyguard or something of the sort.

Watch out for using parenthesis. I've figured out they're more commonly used in articles than stories. But thanks for the detail, without it I would have been like wha??? But maybe incorporate into the paragraph better? Wood is my favorite smell and cinnamon is my signature scent so I very much approve of this man XD!

She almost sagged with relief when a moment later, his tone softened as he spoke, "I am from Lithian.” It explained everything. His build, his beautiful features and his likeable personality. It definitely explained why he was good with horses and stuck as a stable boy. Lithian was Calderon’s neighboring kingdom which had been conquered in a war years ago. It left Lithian enslaved to King Isaac’s rule. She knew that slaves were brought to Calderon as a prize and that they were still around but...Dalex? Was he a slave?

You say the word Lithian a lot. Maybe tone it down. Just a personal preference, though. It's your book and your writing style. I do love the amount of info you give but watch out for what writers call an "info dump."

That's when you tell us info instead of showing it. When you show us it feels more real, like we're in the story, instead of like we're reading a history book. Like maybe she says, "Lithian is Calderon's neighboring kingdom, right?"

It just seems better, right?

LASTLY:

He stood and was about to leave when he turned to face her with a grim face, "Bad news," he paused and motioned to her wrist, "it's sprained. Go to the healer tomorrow and have her put it in a sling. I am afraid that you won't be able to work sufficiently for a few days and will most likely have to leave the kitchen for that time. Good-night, Evrial."

when he turned to fave her with a grim face

That sounds off. Say it aloud. Maybe change it to: he turned to her with a grim face. Or, he turned to face her with a grim expression. You get the point. Saying face twice corrupts the flow so the flow doesn't flow as much as it should flow. (Don't overuse the word flow, too XD)

OVERALL:
I love this series and I'm definitely joining the fandom. Don't feel like you have to take any of my advice, I'm (at most) a mediocre writer and you should find your own style. My overall thoughts are she talks to herself a lot, maybe incorporate what she thinks into the story so the readers think it instead of you having to write every thought down so it'll go in the reader's head?

EXAMPLE:
Wow, thought Bob. He looked up and thought, the ceiling could fall in on me any moment. It has so many cracks.

INSTEAD:
Wow, Bob thought to himself. He looked up and counted the cracks on the ceiling while taking deep breaths. He didn't want to have to stay in this cabin any longer then he had to.



Please keep writing this and I hope this helps you! Good luck.

Your friend,
JadeLotus ;)





I’ll paraphrase Thoreau here... Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth.
— Christopher Johnson McCandless