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Young Writers Society


12+

The Prophecy Revealed Chp. 1.1 REWRITE

by Honora


Chapter 1

The morning light filtered its way through the window, spreading its purple rays over Evrial’s straw bed. She opened her heavy eyes and quickly shut them again as they adjusted to the new light shining into them. Morning has come, she smiled faintly and yawned, trying not to think about the work that the new day brought with it. She groaned as she swung herself out over the edge of her bed and gasped when her bare feet touched the cold, stone floor. While scolding herself for being so careless for letting the fire go out, she stoked the coal, hoping some hot embers would show themselves. Seeing that there was none, she started it up again easily from years of practice. She grinned as warmth began to spread itself over her; banishing the chill of the spring air.

The snow on the ground was already melted but that winter chill still nipped at her body. Evrial hated winter and couldn't wait till all symptoms of it disappeared. The cold seasons brought on extra work to keep warm and gave the noble ladies something extra to complain about. If only they knew the work that is involved, then they would really have something to complain about. A smile tugged at her lips as she imagined Lady Castel in the kitchen.

"What are you smirking about this early in the morning? You're usually all frowns at this time.” She felt her heart flutter as she turned towards the young man now standing beside her. She shifted, slightly uncomfortable as she realized she wasn't dressed and was still in her white nightgown. She relaxed as Cowan’s grinning face came into view. She noticed he was already in his black uniform with his sword at his hip, which she briefly glanced at. The snake carved pommel sent a shiver down her spine as it usually did when she laid eyes on it but she passed it off, not wanting to ruin the morning.

She didn't bother with a formal "curtsy" greeting and ignored his question, "You're up early, Cowan.” He shook his head humorously and quietly laughed which she returned with a smile. Her breath caught in her throat as he crossed the small distance between them. She ignored the irregular beat of her speeding heart and welcomed his embrace with open arms. She held her breath involuntarily as he stroked her long, black hair and rested her head on his broad shoulder. It had been too long since his arms were wrapped around her waist. Too long since she felt his strong chest beneath her head. Too long since...as if reading her mind, he lifted her chin with his knuckle and she had to reach up on the tips of her toes to meet his lips.

She reluctantly pulled away from him in attempt to hide the blush that had creeped on her face and crossed the room to her window. She gazed out at the beautiful sunrise and tried to steady her heartbeat as he drew near again. They watched in silence as the horizon turned from deep purple to the vibrant pinks and oranges it was now. She didn't want the sun to rise anymore. Cowan had to leave as soon as it did. She wouldn't mind the day going by so quickly but Cowan finally had the time to spend with her and she didn't want to put an end to it.

Cowan tightened his grip around her waist, pulling her closer than she already was and placed his lips near her ear, "I have to go…I hate to go on like this. Seeing you only every once in a while. Sneaking around the halls to be with you.”

“I know. I don’t necessarily like it but it is for the best that we remain secret. You are more aware of all the rules than I am but I understand.” As she spoke, she felt her spirit begin to slowly dissipate into nothing. She knew that her future with him could cause scandal and he could very well lose his position. She didn’t want that.

“Just for now…regardless, I will try to see you more often. Are you serving at the ball later this week?"

She nodded, "Yes, I am and no, we cannot leave. The Captain will miss your presence; especially since it's your first ball to plan safely. I would prefer it that I’m responsible if something goes wrong and you’re not there. Cowan," her voice softened as his name tumbled from her lips. She forced a smile on her face and turned towards him, "it's fine. You have responsibilities just as I do, and I know that they are overwhelming at times but it will not get in the way of this. You don't have to try and make me feel loved because I know I am. I understand that your time is demanded elsewhere.” He smiled and she could feel his gratitude.

She looked up to his face, getting lost in his beautiful green-gold eyes for a moment but she knew they couldn’t afford to dawdle for any longer. Every muscle protested and screamed at her to stay in his arms but she moved away from him, "You should get going. Even though our tasks won't get in the way, I'm sure that if someone caught you skulking about," she clicked her tongue and smirked, trying to lighten the mood, "that would be the end of both of us."

Cowan smiled playfully but before he left the room, he paused by the door; a more serious expression on his strong face, "Thank you Evrial, for understanding." She nodded and watched his masculine figure disappear through the small wooden door. She sighed deeply and looked around her chambers. It wasn't made up of much. Only a straw bed that mercifully had a warm blanket, a nightstand beside it, and a small washing chamber. The closet against the wall was only big enough to fit her work dress and a becoming gown that she hardly ever wore. Looking around her room, her heart filled with despair as she started washing her face with the cloth in the wash basin. The cold water stung her face as she scrubbed at it but it was time to face the day...and reality.

After a few moments of refreshing her sleepy features, she left her room humming a tune that she heard the night before. The musician that had played during King Isaac's dinner sang old songs of legend. She even dared to sing a song about the magic that had roamed over the lands before the King's sudden banishing of it. The song was once popular before he banished anything to do with magic and she vaguely remembered the lyrics. Evrial had held her breath the whole song and was relieved when the King didn't have her hanged instantly or dragged down away from the stage. The music had enchanted her and she couldn't explain the feeling that stirred in her last night. It felt like a memory, yet so much more distant than those of when she was a child. It felt so strangely familiar yet so foreign. She tried to dismiss it as her imagination but whenever she put any thought into it, that same feeling crept back into her mind.

Evrial slipped into the empty kitchen and busied herself making a fresh loaf of bread. She added more water into the dough until it felt sticky enough to make a good loaf. After kneading it and putting it over the enclosed fire, she busied herself doing the few dishes she had made while waiting for it to be ready. It still wasn't ready so she kept cleaning the kitchen and making other breakfast foods. The room had slowly filled with other kitchen staff but no one seemed to notice that she had been there first. Typical of Havana to notice when I am a minute late but not when I am a whole half hour early. She shook her head as the head servant walked in the kitchen to oversee what was happening, giving off such airs as if she were someone of importance. Someone needed to make her realize that in the end, to the King, she was just another servant.

Even with the old witch watching their every move, Evrial felt relatively happy. Whether or not it had anything to do with Cowan's visit that morning, she couldn't decide. Whenever she spent time with him her feelings jerked and twisted in so many different directions; happiness because he was with her, sadness because she couldn't see a possible future without arousing trouble for his profession. Who would care about who she married but for the Captain's sub? She vaguely remembered her foster-Mother telling her some nonsense about the set standards for anyone close to the king but she didn’t dare hope that she would find herself in such a position. She couldn’t remember exactly why it was so important who the Captain married but she knew it had something to do with some infiltration of the past.

Havana's reeking breath was on her neck before she realized that she was staring into oblivion, "Miss Evrial," the head servant spoke with such a tone that would appear sweet to anyone, except to those who knew the deadly meaning behind it, "I would suggest that you get a move on with your chores. There's a whole new stack of dishes just screaming your name. We wouldn't want to disappoint them.” She pointed her wrinkled finger towards the heaping pile of dishes that had accumulated over the past hour. Evrial wanted to yell at her and show the old hag the things she had done already but like a "humble" servant, she held her tongue. One minute, just one minute alone with you and you would be dead...

She had hoped to escape the chore and go up to serve breakfast so that she could see Cowan sitting at the assigned table for the guards. Sighing, she started at the pile of dishes. Perhaps this was fate telling her that something truly horrible would happen if she went up, for example, maybe their relationship would be discovered. She sighed again and plunged her hands into the steaming water to wash the dishes. She was grateful for the silence. Everyone had gone up except Mr. Cander. He had been like a father to her ever since she was sent to the castle as a servant. He always treated her as an equal but never once hesitated to reprimand her if necessary. He soothed her when she was hurt or sad and watched over her when she came down with any sickness she caught. She owed her life to him and couldn't imagine what the castle would have been like without him. She was grateful for his company for all those lonely years and he had definitely earned her utmost respect, which was something the old hag, Havana would never have from her.

Mr. Cander walked over silently about half way through the giant stack and started drying the dishes with a towel. He smiled sweetly before saying with a hint of curiosity in his hoarse voice, "It's alright there, Evrial. You'll see your young man soon enough.” The breath in her throat caught and she gaped at the old man in surprise. Before she could query how in the high heavens he knew anything about it, Mr. Cander just simply assured her, "Oh don't you worry. I’ve known you far too long for you to keep any secrets from me. Not to mention, I've had a good look at many young couples in my fifty-eight years and I know one when I see one."

It wasn’t the fact that he knew that bothered her; it was that he found out without her telling him. She knew he considered her his “adopted daughter” as he put it and wondered if he was mad about that fact. She decided not to ask.

They continued doing dishes in silence for a few minutes before Mr. Cander said, "You're wondering how I know, aren't you?" Evrial nodded her head, feeling the heat on her cheeks increase but the man continued with a smile on his aging face, "Well, every once in a while, you’re extra chipper and it always happens to be when I’ve seen that guard boy walking around these halls. At first I dismissed it but then it happened all too often. I also walked by your rooms this morning. Heard a voice and recognized it. I didn't want to pry so I kept on walking but...well, what I know can't be unknown to me. He's a good catch and very much worthy of yourself, Evrial. That's something because even the Crowned Prince doesn't deserve your attention, but a word of advice, be a little more careful.”

Evrial cleared her throat and turned towards him, “I’m sorry, Sezza. I should have told you but I was just afraid. I know that you know that he isn’t just any guard boy. He is the Captain’s substitute when he decides to retire. Which presents more than the usual problems when it comes to a relationship.” As she finished speaking, servants started coming back with empty platters. He smiled and winked but didn’t respond to her worry. She was thankful that even though he was aging, he still had a good sense of discretion.

Once they started tackling the new stack of dishes, most of the servants had come back. Havana took the opportunity while they were all gathered to shout loudly to the servants that stood below her ‘office’, "The King and Queen have decided that it is time to give new attire for those here below. They want your measurements within the hour or you will not get one.” Bursts of excited chatter could be heard as everyone bustled about. They all paired up with one another to measure each other.

"Evrial! Evrial!" Rachel, a young servant girl pushed her way through the crowd until she reached her, "Do you have someone to measure yet?" When Evrial shook her head, the girl didn't give her a choice. Rachel took her by the arm and dragged her off to her room.

Rachel's room wasn't any different than her own. Very simple and plain but had everything she would need. Maybe not everything she wanted but needed, yes. The only thing Rachel had that she did not was a small basket of needles and yarn beside a rocking chair. She went directly for it and started scrounging around until she pulled out a measuring string. They measured each other and wrote them down on the single piece of paper that they could afford to spare. As they kept busy, they talked about the coming ball, what their new dresses might look like and everything else that didn't matter.

Evrial glanced down at the brown dress she wore. It was old and faded and torn but she would miss it. It was too big for her which made it look odd at the sides but she loved the space it provided. She knew that her new dress would fit her perfectly and she hoped that she would be able to move freely in it. She's seen the noble ladies in corsets so tight that she often wondered how they danced in them, let alone breathe.

With their measurements done, Evrial offered to bring the girl's as well. Rachel accepted her offer with thanks and stayed in her room as she left. She went down long hallways and up the winding steps to get to the castle's seamstress. She hoped she would, by chance, pass Cowan on her way but was disappointed as she came to the shop without a trace of him. She left their measurements with the bubbly woman and went back down to her room. It had been a full morning and it would all start over again in half an hour for lunch. She used those few moments to catch some of the sleep that she lost in the early hours with her guard.


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Mon Apr 08, 2019 3:22 am
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rosette wrote a review...



Hey, Honora!

Okay, okay, I really like this. I'm not a fan of fantasy tales or anything similar to them, but for some reason, I'm getting Shannon Hale vibes while reading this and that woman is fantastic. (Maybe it's the whole royalty mixing with servants theme??) Anyhow, your style of writing is quite lovely, and I love how beautifully everything moved along. It's nice and tight and the only thing that clearly stood out to me was a slight lack in description but you also have a whole novel to weave that in!

Mr. Cander seems like such a sweet old man. I like how you didn't just tell us he was a father figure to Evrial and leave it at that, but you showed it. His comments made me wonder how long Cowan and Evrial have been in a relationship and how it all began. I know this is only the beginning chapter, but there doesn't appear to be much of a difference in personality with Cowan and Evrial. They both seem like such nice people! And while I certainly don't think one of them should be mean, I think there should be some distinguishing characteristics. Already, she seems like the much more practical one and he more of the idealist, but this is only the first chapter. :p I shouldn't get too ahead of myself.

I hear a lot of people talk about the significance of the first chapter of a novel, and that's because it's the deciding factor for a lot of readers and editors. If the first chapter, or even the first sentence, isn't catchy and snazzy they won't read it. Like I said, I loved this! But I'm not one to judge a book based off of the first chapter. :P When I finished reading this, I thought it felt a little slow, a little like a day-in-the-life chapter. Nothing highly significant happened, nothing that immediately pulled the reader in, so I would suggest that you don't explain everything all at once. I feel like I already know everything about Evrial and we've only just begun the story.

I'm actually so happy that I stopped in to review this piece because I was clueless about the existence of this novel until now. I'm excited and curious about where it's going to go, and I'll probably go read the following chapters once I finish typing this up. Thanks so much for sharing this story, Honora! If you have any questions about my review, do let me know. I enjoyed this and loved it and I'll see you around soon! :D

~rosette <3




Honora says...


Thank you so much rosette! I appreciate all feedback and I can definitely see what you are talking about! I am glad you took the time to review this so thank you again!! :D :D



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Wed Mar 13, 2019 1:10 am
SilentWriter says...



This is really good!!! I'm excited to see where you take this!




Honora says...


Thanks Rosie! :)



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Wed Mar 13, 2019 1:10 am
SilentWriter says...



This is really good!!! I'm excited to see where you take this!




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Thu Mar 07, 2019 4:11 pm
Lib says...



Oooh, this was very good! I cannot wait to read the next part!




Honora says...


Thank you! If you want, this is the tag to what I have next! :D
The Prophecy Revealed Chapter 2.1



Lib says...


Your welcome



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Wed Mar 06, 2019 3:21 pm
FireSpyGirl wrote a review...



Hi there!
Okay, I loved this! I am so hooked! So, if you would please tag me when you write the next ones! That being said, I found one sentence that needs a little editing. That is this one:

"I would prefer it that I’m responsible if something goes wrong and you’re not there. Cowan,"

I believe what you are trying to say is that Evrial doesn't want to be responsible if something goes wrong. That sentence feels like you mashed not wanting to be responsible and being responsible for something. It's just awkward. I would do something like this:

"I would prefer it if I am not responsible if something goes wrong..."

That was all, Keep up the great work!




Honora says...


Thank you! Yeah, I have a tendency to make things complicated sometimes. Whoops!
I will definitely tag you but i%u2019ll Have to figure out how first lol. I%u2019m still pretty new at this and haven%u2019t worked everything out quite yet! :)



FireSpyGirl says...


To tag someone you just put the @ in front of the username, @Honora



Honora says...


Ok lol




You wake up in the morning and it feels impossible? Good. You do it anyway.
— Martin Scorcese