Avery Trent was sitting in his home the day after he had recaptured his renegade sneeze. It was a warmer day and the rain puddles from yesterday had begun to dry up.
Avery had a nice, fresh, (this time dry) newspaper to read and another mug of tea. His sickness was getting slightly worse, as sicknesses usually do when they have just begun.
As he read through the headlines of the paper he noticed a strange story titled "Sea Life From Space!" Curious, Avery read on and learned that a whale seemed to have fallen into the Thames, along with several dolphins, a shark, and two other unidentified fish, never before seen on Earth.
Avery thought this very strange and decided he'd pay the Thames a visit later that day, but first he'd finish his tea. Cold tea was never any fun to drink.
Later that afternoon, after Avery had written a short blog post about the happenings of the previous day, he hopped in his car and drove off to visit the Thames. He had forgotten that it was quite a ways away, but he didn't care. Those fish, that whale, the dolphins and shark! He had to see them. Avery drove on and on until he began to run out of gas.
"Dammit..." he cursed as his car slowly drew to a halt.
The nearest gas station was far from "near" and he couldn't push the terrible excuse for a car all that way.
The only thing to do was walk... Or hitchhike.
Avery stood on the side of the road, his thumb in the air, waiting for a friendly driver to pass by. Well, hopefully not pass by, but rather pick him up.
Eventually a small Volkswagen Beetle dragged its way up to him and stopped. In the driver's seat was a stout old woman with curly white hair and massive circular spectacles.
"You lost, sonny?" she asked, a storm of smoke flying from her mouth.
"Er... yeah. My car broke down and the nearest gas station is too far off to walk." The old woman nodded, half listening, as Avery explained his predicament. "Could you possibly drive me up there?"
The old woman turned to face Avery (as she had been looking through the left side-view mirror.
"Sorry, sonny. I'm outta gas too!" And with that she promptly swung open her car door, ran to the side of the road, and sped off at an incredible speed for an elderly lady.
Avery stood, shocked, as he watched her run away. Suddenly she dropped to the ground and Avery, shocked, began to go help her. The old woman quickly stood up and yelled back at him to leave her alone.
Avery froze, surprised and confused. The old woman then sped off again.
"Okay..." Avery said aloud. He turned to the small car and sat in the driver's seat. Checking the fuel gauge he saw that the old woman had lied. The tank was full!
Avery shrugged and pressed on the gas pedal.
A low beeping noise sounded then.
"What the-?" Avery looked down at the gas pedal. Nothing.
"Why would there be anything?" he thought.
He pressed again and the beeping grew louder. Avery grew worried as movie scenes of beeping noises turning into giant explosions flashed through his mind.
"Oh lord..."
The car erupted around him and his life flashed before his eyes, replacing the movie scenes.
Somehow, though, he wasn't hurt. Opening his eyes, Avery found that he was surrounded by birds.
"Huh?"
Glancing down, he found that he was hundreds of feet above the street.
"AH!" he screamed and covered his eyes with his arms. Quickly checking again, to make sure that he wasn't imagining this, Avery found himself quickly falling down towards a billowing cloud of smoke and a blazing fireball that had previously been the Volkswagen.
Frantically flapping his arms (because that should work, right?) he struggled to stay in the air. He even tried grabbing at a bird, but was promptly denied with a peck to the hand.
"Help!" he exclaimed as he plummeted to certain death.
That's when the can reappeared.
The same giant, shiny, silver soda can from the previous day.
The can zipped past Avery and landed right on top of the flaming vehicle, crushing its remains and smashing the blaze out of existence. Avery was relieved that he wouldn’t go up in flames upon landing, but the threat of splatting across the top of the can was now a problem he had to face. Falling like a dead weight, he drew closer and closer to the can.
Just as he would have hit it, the top quickly slid open and Avery fell into the can. Passing through the entrance, a force field caused Avery to slow down and prevented him from splattering all over the can’s interior.
“Hello again, Sneezes,” the pink alien spoke from the can’s pilot seat.
“Er-- Hi--” Avery began but was unsure of how to continue as he didn’t know the creature’s name.
“Jason,” the alien replied. “Jason Volks.”
Avery simply stared at the back of Jason’s seat, unsure of how to reply. Jason spun around in his chair and looked back at Avery.
“What?” he asked.
Avery shook to his senses. “Oh, er-- nothing. It’s just-- ‘Jason’?”
“Yes?” Jason stared at Avery as if he were a cow dressed as a human, (as opposed to the humans dressed as cows outside certain chicken sandwich parlors).
“Well, ‘Jason’ doesn’t really sound like an-- er--” Avery didn’t want to say “alien” as he was afraid it would offend Jason.
“Oh, I see,” Jason simply stated, spinning back in his chair. As his hands danced across the can’s controls, he spoke again. “It’s quite a common name on my planet. That’s partly why I left…”
“Oh,” Avery said, looking down at his feet. The black, metallic floor was designed with a labyrinth of bright, green neon lights. “And where’s that?”
Jason didn’t reply. He continued pressing buttons and pulling levers. Eventually, when Avery was thinking that he should go, Jason did reply.
“What’s your name, Sneezes?”
Avery was surprised that he had forgotten to give his name and actually seemed to forget it for a moment.
“Avery,” he said, finally.
“Just ‘Avery’?” Jason asked, turning back with a raised eyebrow.
“Oh, no, Trent.”
“Now it’s ‘Trent’?” Jason sounded confused.
“No, my name is Avery Trent,” Avery explained exasperatedly.
Jason watched Avery blankly for a few seconds before spinning back to the controls once again with a simple “Okay”.
Avery was feeling quite awkward and thought it time to go. Looking up he saw that the can had closed.
“Er-- I should be going…” he told Jason as he searched around for a way up to the top.
“You say ‘er’ quite a lot, do you know that?” Jason replied, ignoring what Avery said.
“Yeah, er-- humans say it when they feel awkward,” Avery explained.
“Hmm…” Jason nodded.
Silence fell upon the can, only broken by the occasional click of a button here or a lever there.
“Well, Avery Trent. I’m afraid you won’t be able to go as easily as you might hope,” Jason said, standing from his seat.
“What? Why not?” Avery asked, growing anxious.
“Because we appear to have slingshotted across the galaxy.”
With that, Jason pressed a button on the wall, causing the top of the can to slide open, and leaped out.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hey hey, Hatt. Storm back for another review, so let's jump into it!
I just don't like this sentence. It's awkward to read and not really necessary. I think your overuse of 'sickness' is what breaks it.
This sentence is overly tell-y. Let the audience infer some of this information. Don't say it outright.
This doesn't seem quite as frantic one would think, considering Avery thinks he's going to die.
I feel like the level of writing of this went down. The first chapter was better written. The emotions in this kind of fell flat, and the matter-of-factness about the writing was lack-luster. I know that this is inspired by another book, but there's no way to exactly copy the style so you're going to need to find a unique style that works for you. It can be reminiscent of HGTTG, but it's not going to work until you formulate something that actually works for you and how you write naturally.
I also feel like the dialogue was flat and unnatural. My best advice is to think about how you and other people talk. There was also a bit of an overuse of ellipses, which is a personal pet peeve of mine, but not something that's actually wrong. It can just be irritating to some people.
Overall, I feel like this was a step down from your first chapter, but it wasn't bad.
~Storm
Nit-picks:
If he's going to the Thames, he probably calls it petrol
You forgot to close the brackets.
You haven't mentioned the alien before so you probably want to say "a pink alien".
~~~~~
Character: All three characters in this chapter are very interesting. Avery continues at about the level of development from the last chapter, which is probably still fine. Your two new characters are introduced with a good amount of description and depth.
Setting: The inside of the can is described really well. I like the detail of the green neon lights. The countryside was fine, because I know what British countryside looks like. And to be honest, most people do from TV and film anyway, so you're fine here too.
Plot: ahahaha this is wonderful! I'm really enjoying the fast pace, the acceptance yet confusion of Avery, the way Jason acts so nonchalant. Seriously, can't wait to read the next chapter.
Flow: Again excellent. Very few nit-picks and your ending is in just the right place.
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
the alien was mentioned in the previous chapter, soooo? i haven't re-read any of these since i wrote them, though, so i dunno if that's the first mention of jason reappearing?
i need to rewrite the first ton of chapters eventually, but gonna finish first draft first. there's a ton of problems and continuity issues with the first few (like the inside of the ship changes constantly because i can't decide on/remember how it looks)
Oh. This was during review day so maybe I was rushing a bit. I'll go back and check. Still maybe want to specify it was the one from the previous day.
Jason? As in Jason and the Argonauts?
no. as in the name i decided on.
no. as in the name i decided on.
You double posted. Also, that's the first thing I think of when I hear the name Jason, probably because I'm writing a book based on Jason and the Argonauts.
i didn't mean to double post. it's called 'my internet is lagging'.
i don't see the freaking point in mentioning that i double posted, but congrats on your observation skills.
Hey Hatt! ALAS, I HAVE COME.
This really made me giggle. In fact, there was a spot- or line in particular that made me REALLY giggle but I haven't found it again yet (I had been planning to review this DAYS ago and read it in advance).
One thing I thought I'd mention; the whole purpose of the old lady in this kinda feels like a way for Avery to have a car again... but then it blows up anyway... and so I really can't complain because your writing just makes everything work in it's goofy awesome way and I'm just here like "Why am I reviewing this?" So in other news, this won't be much of a review and more of a commentary! XP
I really like this line and it might have been the one that caused much giggling- but in any case it really shows us a piece of Jason's character and it's simply amusing and I love it.
This reminds me somewhat of the dreams I have where I'm very confused but things make sense... and in a way this story is pretty fantastic 'cause it captures the same ridiculousness that dreams have and yet makes it make sense in a way. So kudos to you! Keep writing thisssss!
-Socks
OH MY GOD I DIDN'T NOTICE THAT TYPO. *changes "make" to "back"*
Also, yay, Holy review. c: I think after this chapter things actually connect more to how Avery and Jason are meant to be, as Jason is more... civilized here? And Avery is a lot more confused.
The old lady! ;-; I forgot that was a weird plot hole thing I need to figure out. I think it was that she's actually an alien and there was something in her car or something that caused them to shoot across the galaxy.
I DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT TYPO WHAT THE HECK XP Sorry this wasn't that review-y.
Okay, I know this was posted forever ago, but I read it and it reminds me of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. A lot. I loove Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Three things, though: One, the story could use a little more description. Like what Avery looks like, the spaceship's interior, and just little things like that. Two, it seems kinda spontaneous for him to just go to the Thames. If he is so sick, why is he going on a road trip? Lastly, he jumped out of a spaceship into to space? Pretty sure he's gonna go kaboom.
I really liked the "storm of smoke"!
This was inspired by Hitchhiker's Guide, actually! Hopefully the later chapters help it steer away from that and become more original.
My writing style is pretty simplistic, so I didn't do very much description-wise. The main reason for not describing Avery's or the interior of the ship's appearance is that I wasn't really sure what they looked like at the time. ;-; I'm still trying to figure out what Avery looks like. As for the ship, it's sort of described in bits and pieces as the story progresses. I don't like shoving all the description onto readers in one place.
I know my style of writing isn't the best, but that's what the editing stage is for!
One thing I've learned so far is not to question Avery or Jason. ;-; Ever. Please. :p
Anyway, hopefully you'll keep reading and my writing will get better.
-Hatt
Well, another good story! I'm really starting to like this Avery guy.
I really like your writing style, but I feel like your lacking detail. Like, I have no idea what the inside of the can looks like. However, your descriptions of things from Avery's point of view are quite enjoyable.
This Jason character already reminds me of someone....but it couldn't be The Doctor, could it? Anyhow, I noticed towards the beginning you used the word 'you' twice, I don't know where, sorry.
Thanks for another funny story!
herby
Whatever you do, do not compare Jason to the Doctor. XD He's far from that.
I hope.Your attention to detail--especially unusual detail--continues to delight me. The "storm of smoke flying from" the woman's mouth...the "threat of splatting across the top of the can"...
I was particularly pleased at the observation that he would have splattered across the can or all over its interior just as surely as he would have splattered all over the ground. That sort of thing is often ignored in adventure stories. I also laughed when Avery completely missed Jason's sarcasm in saying, "JUST 'Avery'?" I laughed at many other sentences too.
I do have a few small criticisms, too:
"...but first he'd finish his tea. Cold tea was never any fun to drink." I wasn't sure what this meant. It seemed to imply that if he didn't finish his hot tea now, he would drink it hours later, after returning from the Thames. Why do that instead of just throwing it out? Is that what you meant to imply?
Now, although I've been pleasantly confused since the beginning of the story, I was somewhat unpleasantly confused when the car suddenly exploded, and then Avery was unhurt, up in the air. My trouble is that I was not able to create any kind of mental image for how he went from the car to the air. Yes, it's supposed to be absurd, but it seems that some detail somewhere is missing.
All in all, however, I'm enjoying it very much.
(You're a "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fan, aren't you?)
~Songy
Yup!
Avery Trent was inspired by Hitchhiker's Guide, so much so that... Well... Trent, Dent. Agh. >.>
I'm trying to lessen the similarities and make it more original, but it's also started veering towards some similarities with Doctor Who. ;-;
Eh... I'll fix it.
I'm glad you like the detail so much. ^-^ Unfortunately, I feel as though my descriptions and attention to detail subsides in further chapters. I hope to return to this level, or even a further level, of detail, as the story progresses, but... *shrugs*
Car to air, dunno how well I explained it, but Avery was supposed to be shown as being shot into the air when the car exploded. Keep in mind, this is all just the first draft, basically, so I can always fix these things.
But yeah. Thanks for another review!
-Hatt
P.S. Get ready for lots of confusion... >.> Apparently chapters 4 and 5, sometimes 3 and 6, it would seem, are pretty confusing. If you have any questions about them, feel free to PM me or hit me up on the chat bar.
Explaining things in reply to a review is different. Bleh.Hey Hatt,
*slowly claps* Beautiful. I didn't feel like I needed to point anything out on chapter one, but I did have on tiny thing to say on this one (other than it was great).
Well, this sentence is kind of bothering me. I think it would work fine if you said, "Because we appear to have slingshotted across the galaxy" Using slingshot in past tense. (is slingshotted even a word?) Or maybe you meant “Because we appear to have to slingshot across the galaxy.” as in, they are going to need to do it very soon. Anyway, it sounds rather awkward the way you have it and doesn't make much sense... Maybe if you could just look at it and see what you meant by it and change it a bit.
Alright, Onward and Upward to chapter 3!
-Falco
Hey Falco,
Yeah, I tried "slingshotted" but spellcheck didn't like it. >.> XD
Eh, I'll change it back anyway. Glad you're liking it so far!
it was warmer than yesterday.
... Oh no lazyness... Why you do thuis
I mean, just before and after it I clarified that it was the next day... >.>
I just kinda thought it was wierd
I have nothing helpful to say. I just wanted to say that:
a) I am getting serious Douglas Adams vibes from this, and it is glorious;
b) I have no idea where this is going, but it delights me; and
c) I sincerely hope Jason just keeps calling Avery "Sneezes."
Yeah, this is based on HGTTG and I'm trying to keep it as different as possible. It's not proving too difficult yet.
Eventually I'm sure Jason will start calling Avery by his name, but he'll always occasionally call him "Sneezes".
Jason seems a lot different in this chapter than the previous one, to me.
Mmm, but we didn't actually get to KNOW Jason at all in the last one, so I feel like we didn't know enough about him after the last chapter for me to think he felt too different in this one.
Yeah. It might be because I'm the writer and had a sort of sense of how he would act, but that sense changed.
The pink alien from the beginning wasn't even supposed to be Jason, or return at all. I was just too lazy to introduce a new character, I suppose, and I wanted to bring back the silver can. XD
Heh heh heh. I know those feels.
Even though the "sense of how he would act, but that sense changed" actually comes from Frederick/Digby, not a story characterOH MEIN GOTT I JUST DELETED MY ENTIRE 3000 CHARACTER REVIEW ON ACCIDENT. WITHOUT ANY HOPES OF GETTING IT BACK. *spews blood and faints* All... because I forgot to mark it as reviewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!! ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
Which is good, but your sentence structure is slightly off. It should be "His sickness was getting slightly worse, as sicknesses usually do when they have just begun." This is a common pattern-- using plurals to indicate that something something always does something something.*Sigh* Okie, I'll try to remember what I said, and do this again... Q_____Q
Um, hi! Jen here. Hi! Hi..... yeah.... ._. Ahem.
Anyways. I really enjoyed the second chapter of your brilliant little comedy (is that how I should address it? I think so.) Usually, I would stake out the parts that I like before highlight the parts I don't. But, since I'm reading as I review (was, actually. Now, I've finished reading everything. Q____Q), I'll be commenting on the happenings as I go. Bear with me here. :3
First off, I really liked your second paragraph. The "(this time dry)" really ties into your previous chapter. It's always important to reference in between chapters, even if they are narrating completely different plots (or, lack of :3), so this was relatively well done. Also, I like tea, too! Because I like tea so much, I become interested in this character. And when I'm interested in a character, I want to know more about them. What type of tea does Avery like? How strong does he make it? Does he drink it in sips or in huge gulps? Little details like these can be just as important as the plot (or lack of, in my case :3). The reasons for their being there are endless-- to add dimension to your world, to give insight on your characters, to set up an atmosphere, to distract your readers so they can be further shocked by your awesome weirdness, etc.
And, I'm going to say it here and now-- you have too many little paragraph-stubs. That is usually frowned upon in formal writing, and should be kept under control. Sometimes, it is okay, especially when used to highlight a certain point (like paragraph-stub #12 ). However, most of the rest can be put together. E.g. Two and three, four and five, six and seven, eight and nine, etc., etc.
Also, in your third paragraph, you wrote:
Another such error is in your 13th paragraph:
should be worded as "Well, hopefully not pass by, but rather pick him up." The pattern of "Instead of... but rather..." is also quite a common one.
And, as much as I am amused by your description of the encounter with the old lady, I was very confused by this line:
It might just be me, but I thought she was running towards another old lady! You might want to make it clearer that the "for" in this case isn't directional, but rather for comparison.
Again, I was quite impressed and amused with the scene with the birds. So much so that I actually chuckled in real life (which is awkward, because I usually never make noises in real life, and people stare... >////<). However, I did catch a mistake at the beginning:
You might want to add a comma after "eyes". Aha! Get the joke here? Avery? Aviary?
Similar to the previously mentioned, there should be a comma after "down" in the line:
[quote]"Glancing down he found that he was hundreds of feet above the street."[quote]
I did not catch anything major after that. However, I do suggest you read everything over again very carefully, keeping sentence structure in mind. Also, I strongly recommend that you try to eliminate as many paragraphs as possible by merging the small ones together.
Sigh. Wow, that was a long review... the previous one was longer, I think. It took me one hour to write~~~ Q~Q *sob* I won't be forgetting this lesson anytime soon...
Well, anyways, thank you once again for bringing us such a delightful little tale! I will be waiting diligently for the next update~~~
Happy writing~~~~~!
*isn't sure how to reply other than to say "Thanks"*
*likes review*
Ahahahahahahahahaha....
XD Well, I'm glad you liked it. It was certainly worth the time. I would not have tried to rewrite the entire thing if your story did not hold merit. Happy writing~~~!
I FORGOT TO MARK IT AS REVIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!
ლ(ಠ益ಠლ)
Sorry ._.
It's fine. It's actually quite hilarious, the faces you craft XD
My epic, 3559-character review is above you as we type :3 Please enjoy it. Meanwhile, I think I might just lie in bed for awhile and cry...
For your future mental wellbeing, if you ever forget to mark something as a review, just inform a mod and give us a link to the review in question. We can mark it as a review afterward.
@BlueAfrica Thank you QvQ
Hey there! DarkWarrior again.
So I see that you wrote another encounter with Jason Volks.
Its thoroughly amusing, now that I've grasped the situation and accepted it.
A few places could use a bit refining and reworking.
Since I'm new here, I don't know how to quote lines properly, but this line here:
"“Yes?” Jason stared at Avery as if he were a cow dressed as a human, (as opposed to the humans dressed as cows outside certain chicken sandwich parlors)."
The comma after humans (as far as I know) is unnecessary. Simply continue with the brackets after the word human.
Secondly, the last part seemed a bit unclear. Is Jason stuck on the planet, or is Avery unable to leave Jason, or what? I was left a bit confused.
See if you can rework that, okay?
My son liked it, but he asked what happened to his jar of sentient sneeze? We are about to read chapter 3 now.
Oh... I forgot about that o.o
Wow, big plot hole already... XD