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Young Writers Society



Avery Trent - Chapter 19 (The Hippo Rider)

by Hattable


Jason was beginning to stir, Avery noticed only partially as he watched the lush green world below grow closer. It looked like they would touch ground in some poor farmer's crop fields. Avery hoped the landing wasn't too devastating, for both the passengers and the farmer.

The ship had begun to slow itself down and landed surprisingly smoothly, though, bouncing once or twice against the soft earth as it continued to lose velocity. They were still moving pretty fast, trampling the field's tall-stalked crops the whole way. Avery caught sight of the farmer himself, bald and bearded, staring in astonishment and horror at the havoc wreaked on his livelihood. Avery chuckled nervously and attempted a wave to the man, but quickly changed his mind and dropped his hand. Not that the farmer could see him either way, as they were already well-past the stout, togaed man.

Something caught one of the ship's landing struts, changing its relatively smooth landing into a spinning, skidding ride of terror. Avery clutched the back of the pilot's seat, clinging for dear life. Benny slid down the floor of the now-tilting ship and crashed into a wall. Jason was, Avery now realized, well awake and clinging for his own life to the milk-colored sofa, which was evidently secured to the floor somehow.

“Avery, wha-at's ha-ppen-ing?!” Jason shouted over the din of crashing into the ground and the crates below deck tumbling over one another, probably fixing a terrible mess for them. The ship's jarring movements made his voice jumpy and choppy, like talking through a fan.

“Cra-ash la-andin-ng!” Avery called back.

“Well no du-uh!”

Avery only shrugged, but it was probably lost in all of the shaking the ship was forcing upon them.

Finally, with a loud creak, they pulled to a stop. The ship fell back on its weight, thudding massively on the ground below and rocking back and forth until it evened out once more. Benny flew from end to end until the ship was steady.

“Well,” Avery spoke up, rising from where he'd been tossed to the floor. “That wasn't so bad, was it?”

Jason climbed up from behind the sofa, helmet disheveled.

“Oh, no,” he said sarcastically. “Grade-A landing.”

Avery was ready to go off on him for passing out and leaving the ship in his hands, but bit his tongue. There were more important issues to deal with at the moment. Checking through the viewscreen, which now featured a myriad of new cracks, but somehow still stuck together, he saw the extensive trench their arrival had procured. An empty river ripping through the field of emerald crops — empty aside from the outraged farmer riding towards them, heatedly, on some kind of hippo.

“We should probably go out and explain,” Avery said, though not moving. “Or apologize?”

He turned to Jason, who was helping a now-conscious Benny off the floor.

“Yeah, sounds great. How about you do it?” Jason supplied.

“But--”

“No buts, Avery. You break it, you fix it, huh?”

“But--” Avery bit his tongue on the whole fainting matter again.

With a sigh, he trailed to the door and down the staircase. He'd been right about the mess under deck. Most of the crates had spilled over, including those with the crimson powder and spare clothing, which was now caked in red dust. Food cans rolled about here and there and a fuel canister leaked just outside the restroom door.

With another sigh, and a hope that there was a broom aboard, he opened the boarding hatch. As the wide silver ramp slid to the ground, the farmer had finally neared, wielding a steel spear in one hand and the reigns of his steed in the other. Avery slapped a button on the side of his helmet, immediately casting his visor into darkness for anyone outside the helmet, which was everyone but him. Slowly, cautiously, he made his way down the ramp.

“Er, hello--” he began.

But the farmer cut him off, erupting into screams of an alien language with sounds Avery was sure he could never even come close to pronouncing. He swung his spear in the air as he shouted, the tip crackling with electricity. The hippo-like creature he rode on, which Avery now saw was covered in scales and had a purple tint to it, also bellowed up at him.

“Okay, whoa--” Avery said, stumbling back up the ramp.

The farmer and hippo advanced, inviting more creaks from the damage ship.

“No, no,” Avery said, scrambling into the ship and reaching for the panel to close the hatch, but the hippo charged.

Avery screamed, the farmer screamed, then Jason screamed.

Ahh! Get outta here!” he said, firing a couple laser blasts past the intruder.

The hippo reared and scurried off the ramp, but its rider wasn't so easy to scare. He glared at them with sharp, beady eyes, his bald, golden head glimmering in the sunlight. He clicked his spear again, another jolt of electricity racing over the spearhead in a show of intimidation.

“Yeah, that's cool,” Jason said. “See you around.”

He hit the panel and the ramp quickly slid back into place, hatch door shutting soundly along with it. Avery looked at him in some kind of shock as he recollected his breath.

“Upstairs,” Jason said. “New problem.”

He disappeared into the stairwell, and Avery followed soon after. Up in the flight cabin, Avery instantly realized the problem. Benny was rolling around frantically, arms flailing and panicked beeps spewing from his mouth-less face. The control console was aflame, and smoked was quickly collecting on the ceiling.

“As you can see,” Jason said, “we're trapped in a burning ship with a psychotic spearman outside.”

“And I thought depressurizing in space was bad enough,” Avery mumbled, staring up at the dark cloud as it gradually expanded.

“What?” Jason asked.

“Er, nothing.”

Bzzt. You-u two seem ve-ery ca-alm!” Benny exclaimed, zipping between them, the digital eyes on his face yellow with eyebrows slanted to the outside; his worried look, apparently.

“Well we can't just pass out, can we?” Jason said, matter-of-factly.

Avery shot him a dark look, but he didn't see.

“Benny, is there a fire extinguisher on-board?” Avery asked.

Ye-es, there wa-as.

“Was?”

Ye-es, but Benny used it to make Ma-aster a pie. After he tossed out the first seve-en.

Avery blinked at Benny, then glanced up at the growing flames. Jason looked to the snack bar warily.

“Does the restroom have running water?” Avery tried.

“We have a restroom?” Jason responded. “Oh, thank Mercury!”

He dashed off into the stairwell and a door slammed below deck. Avery and Benny stared after him for a moment before Benny replied.

Ye-es, if the water supply has been fi-illed, but Benny does not know when the last time Master did tha-at wa-as.

“Great,” Avery sighed. “Well, it's worse a shot, once Jason gets out, I guess.”

There was a flush from downstairs, then a crash followed by Jason yelping. He appeared back in the doorway soon, helmet held at his side.

“Good news, water works,” he said. “Bad news, hippo man is ramming into the ship. Managed to shock me through the floor with his spear, too. That guy better not be stabbing my new baby.”

He marched past Avery and Benny, up to the flight console, and flipped his helmet above it. Water spilled out, extinguishing a good portion of the flames.

“You used your helmet as a bucket...?” Avery said. “That's honestly more than I expected from you.”

“What?” Jason said.

“Nothing!” Avery called back, hurrying to fill his own helmet with water as well.

Jason followed and, after a small number of trips, the flaming console had been entirely extinguished. Jason had found a vacuum lying around below deck, as well, and tried to suck up the smoke in the air with it, but Avery and Benny talked him out of his heroics. Soon, the three of them were resting on the sofa, soot in their clothes and hair, and the interior of the ship now a darker shade. The smoke was slowly slipping away through a set of ventilation grates that had opened up above the viewscreen now that they were earthbound, filtering the cabin's air into something more breathable.

“I'm glad we're smart,” Jason said, watching the console, his and Avery's helmets discarded at its base, soaked and unusable for the time.

A pair of sparks jumped from it. Avery had realized a bit too late that dumping water on the electric-powered controls wasn't as good an idea as it had seemed at the time, but Benny assured them that once the controls dried, they would work good as new; that he often dumped water on them before his master went solar-seeing or decided to visit an asteroid belt. Avery had a growing feeling that Benny was either missing a few bolts — perhaps both figuratively and literally — or his master was a seriously bad guy. Probably a combination of the two.

A sudden crash shook the ship, and the three were reminded of their company outside.

“Oh yeah. That guy,” Jason said, spirits collapsing.

Your gun did not seem to sca-are him befo-ore,” Benny said. “I know where Ma-aster hides some weapons on-bo-oard.

Jason looked at the little droid in gleeful surprise. Maybe Benny could win his favor after all.

“Oh, speaking of that guy,” Jason continued. “Avery.”

“Huh?” Avery looked around from his end of the sofa, taking his attention from the peaks in the distance. He didn't like how close the volcano was.

“Where the Mars are we?” Jason asked.

“Oh, uh... Pompeii?”

Jason paused, took a deep breath, looked away, poked at his armrest, and then exploded. “Pompeii?! What happened to the wyrm?! We can't be on Pompeii if we're hunting a space wyrm!!

“Well, I mean, you guys were both passed out--”

“Oh, I know what this is. This is betrayal, isn't it? You don't care about Zippy, you like the new ship better! So-- so you knocked me and Benny out and tried to get us away from the wyrm that took Zippy!”

Benny looked up at Avery, wide-eyed. “Is-s it tru-ue, Sir Avery?” he gasped.

“What? No!” Avery exclaimed, exasperated.

“Just what a betrayer would say,” Jason accused.

“Jason, I think we should get out of here. The smoke must be getting to you or something. You need some fresh air faster than the filter can provide it.”

“Oh-ho! Just abandon any ship that stops working, huh? I see you now, Avery Trent. I see you for what you really are!” he rose from the couch, a finger raised to point in Avery's face, passionately emphasizing his claims.

Avery blinked at the finger before him, unsure of how to respond. Benny also seemed bemused, and more on Avery's side now. Jason paused again, dropping his hand.

“Yeah, you're right, we should get out of here...” he said.

“Okay.” Avery said.

Okay-y.” Benny concurred.

Itching to escape the fumes, Avery was the first to reach the hatch panel downstairs. The first carbon-based passenger, at least. Benny had beaten him to the punch, whisking beneath his feet and tripping him up.

“Benny, watch it!” Avery cried, regaining his balance as the floor slipped away and the hatch opened.

Why don't you wa-atch it-t,” Benny retorted, his robotic voice somehow tinged with a vague annoyance.

Avery took it that he was losing Benny's admiration.

“Alright, alright. Let's go, let's go,” Jason said, barely tripping over Avery's heels as he hurried for the exit.

“I need a new helmet, first, though,” Avery said, hastening to the closet.

Ugh, Avery, I'm sure we can all breathe Pompeii's air just fine,” Jason groaned impatiently.

History class rushed back to him again, alongside the image of the dense black mountain range he'd watched through the window, wrapping its way around a titanic volcano. He shuddered and pulled a fresh helmet over his head, bringing one for Jason, too, just in case.

Jason and Benny had already disembarked from the ship and stood in the trench, Pompeii's bright sun glaring down on them. Benny gleamed blindingly as the sunlight reflected off every inch of his body. Avery joined them outside, ramp and hatch sliding shut behind him with a light hiss, and offered Jason the helmet. The alien took it surprisingly gratefully and pulled it over his face, setting the visor's tint as dark as it would go in an attempt to ward off Benny's shininess.

“Glass to protect your eyes from the sun, and super reflective robots! I'm a genius,” he said, probably grinning to himself beneath the helmet.

“So,” Avery said, scanning the area. “Where's Mr. Lightning Spear?”

“Absolutely no idea,” Jason replied.

He kicked a pile of loose dirt at Benny, coating the droid and instantly diminishing his reflectiveness. Benny sputtered and flailed his arms, turning to glare up at Jason with burnt-orange eyes.

“I swear, Ben-boy, you're way too bright,” he said. “I'm still squinting behind this glass, looking at you.”

The robot growled electronically and turned his gaze away, probably plotting. Avery pulled away from the small group and hefted himself up the side of the giant trench their less-than-perfect landing had caused. The farmer's crop fields had ended about 300 yards behind their ship, allowing him a good view without having to peer over vegetable stalks, though the wild grass surrounding him was still about knee-high. Squinting at the horizon, he could see more black mountains, a ring of them all around. Before these were vast, lush green fields. Trees dotted the landscape here and there, and the cyan sky offered a tranquil feel.

Then he saw smoke in the distance. His stomach lurched before he realized that it wasn't coming from the summit of one of the obsidian mountains, but rather a city. A relatively close city, in fact, which had caused an illusion of the smoke rising from the charcoal ridges beyond.

“Guys, there's a town over there!” he called, turning to wave for the others.

But they were nowhere to be seen. He scanned the length of the trench, then glanced into the flight cabin through the exterior of the viewscreen. They weren't in there either. Looking around the ground above the trench, a twinge of fear pecking at his gut, he finally sighted them.

They'd climbed up the other side of the trench and were charging through the grass, right for the crop fields. Patrolling the edge of the field, Avery could see the farmer, still high atop his hippo beast.

“Oh no,” he murmured as Jason held up an arm, gun in hand, and released a shockingly high-pitched war cry.

He winced, forced to await the impending collision, as the hippo turned and reared its head, farmer's spear raised and crackling.


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498 Reviews


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Wed Feb 01, 2017 4:21 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hey Hatt,
Even though you aren't on here much anymore, I thought I'd still review this for you.

I really, really loved this one. I like how Benny slowly thinks less of Avery, and how Jason won't admit to his passing out no matter what. The idea of the planet Pompeii is genius- readers know the historical background of the real Pompeii, which kind of foreshadows what might happen here. The farmer is in a toga, riding a hippo, and carrying a spear, but the spear is electric and he screams in some alien language. I like the juxtaposition here. :)

There are really very few things to talk about here. One is that at the end of the last chapter, the glass would break and pressure would be unstable five minutes before they were set to land. Then you start this chapter with their landing. There's probably an explanation for that, such as the electronics were slightly off, so they actually made it in time, or they entered the atmosphere at just the right time. However, I think it would be good if you mentioned this right off the bat, especially if you're continuing immediately from the previous chapter. That way the readers can realize that that danger is over, that's no longer the main worry, they got through and now there's something new to happen.

The only other thing I wanted to mention was this bit:

“Er, hello--” he began.

But the farmer cut him off, erupting into screams of an alien language with sounds Avery was sure he could never even come close to pronouncing. He swung his spear in the air as he shouted, the tip crackling with electricity. The hippo-like creature he rode on, which Avery now saw was covered in scales and had a purple tint to it, also bellowed up at him.

“Okay, whoa--” Avery said, stumbling back up the ramp.

The farmer and hippo advanced, inviting more creaks from the damage ship.

“No, no,” Avery said, scrambling into the ship and reaching for the panel to close the hatch, but the hippo charged.

Avery screamed, the farmer screamed, then Jason screamed.

“Ahh! Get outta here!” he said, firing a couple laser blasts past the intruder.

So Jason was just going to stay up in the ship and leave Avery to apologise, when suddenly he appears with lasers? I mean, he always appears suddenly, but you don't even mention him leaping down the ramp behind Avery or suddenly appearing out of nowhere or anything. And where did he get lasers?? Avery wasn't even startled. Sorry this is a really tiny thing- it just goes to show how good it is overall. ^_^

So I really just really loved this- I think it's your best yet!! I hope you continue to write more.

<3 Falco




Hattable says...


they've always had lasersss -- the laser guuunss

and the reason for jason suddenly appearing, as far as i remember since writing this, is that he was gonna come down to get avery because of the fire up top, and saw that there was trouble, so he started firing
didn't write anything about him leaping down or anything because avery didn't know he was there until the lasers fired, and i try to keep it as close to avery's perspective as possible, despite third-person, so yeah *flop*
i dunno
thanks for the review, though
chapter 20 should be here... sometime this year >>



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Thu Dec 29, 2016 11:31 pm
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felistia wrote a review...



Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Overall thoughts

Chapter plot: Since I've just jumped into the middle of the story with out reading the previous chapters I'm not going to make suggestions to the plot. I will state thought that it's quite an inventive story. I like the whole flying ship thing. You also describe this other world or just a different content very well. I love the hippo beast.

Description: Your description is very good and although I think you could have taken it a step farther with more sound, touch, taste (if possible) and smell, it created a great picture in my head. I do think you should consider putting a bit more description in since it is a different world and every detail is interesting. :D

Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

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Thu Dec 29, 2016 12:50 pm
Aleta wrote a review...



Hey, Aleta here for a review. I like your avatar by the way.

Corrections
~
Jason was beginning to stir, Avery noticed only partially as he watched the lush green world below grow closer.
C: Jason was beginning to stir. Avery only noticed partially as he watched the lush green world below grow closer.

The ship had begun to slow itself down and landed surprisingly smoothly, though, bouncing once or twice against the soft earth as it continued to lose velocity.
C: You are contradicting the fact that the ship landed smoothly. You could say that the ship landed *fairly smoothly, although with difficulty.

Something caught one of the ship's landing struts
C: Something caught itself on one of the ship's landing struts


That was all I could find grammatically. You write really well and your imagery is very descriptive. :)




Hattable says...


a couple bounces is surprisingly smoothly compared to how it was expected to land. first correction isn't right; you must be reading the sentence wrong. third correction isn't necessary either because it still makes sense.




I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor