Marie along with her family have planned for a family trip to their ancestral home. her family consists of her mother, father and her grandfather. Among all, grandfather is her favourite.
After packaging of all the required things, the journey started. It took almost two hours to reach the village. It’s the first time Marie is here. She was somehow astonished by the beauty of the place. After meeting with all the relatives, they ate their lunch and went into a deep sleep.
It was nearly 5 in the evening, when they were woken by the gasps of Marie's grandfather. Marie ran to him to find that his body was hot with fever. His body had become fragile due to his age and often this would occur. Like every time, Marie’s father ran to call a nearby doctor. After checking up, he gave some medicines but this time, the matter was quite different - the body temperature is not decreasing at all.
“Papa what will we do now?” asked Marie sobbing.
“I will call your aunt right now. She works in a nearby hospital. She will be able to come.” replied her father taking up the phone. He rang Marie’s aunt. She told she will be arriving within an hour.
It was nearly midnight. Suddenly, he became restless. Seeing him restless, Marie began screaming like something very wrong is going to happen. She started yelling, “Grandpa! Grandpa! What’s wrong? Tell me - do you need something? Water? Anything- please tell me- don’t do like this- it will harm you. Please grandpa…” He grabbed Marie's hand very tightly. Marie’s father immediately ran to call the nearby doctor whose home is about 15 minutes far.
Marie was sitting beside him and marie’s mother was giving cold water strips to reduce body temperature but suddenly he tried to get up and fall on marie’s lap. His restlessness stopped within a minute. Marie tried to awaken him again and again. It didn’t take much time for Marie to realise that her grandfather has passed away but her heart was not letting her face the reality. “Grandpa! Grandpa! Wake up! You can’t sleep like this! Wake up! Please wake up! Will you listen to me ? Why are you not responding? I told you to wake up. Mom, see he is not waking up. Tell him to wake up.”
By that time, both the faces were completely drenched in tears. For the first time, Marie saw a death just in front of her. Her father arrived. “Father…”he said stammering “no no this can’t happen. You are alive isn’t it?”. He ran to the bed, checked Marie’s grandfather’s pulse and then his eyes were struck on his father. He was dumbstruck.
Mariie had not smiled a little since then. she couldn't think of a world without grandpa. Almost two weeks have passed since the funeral, but today also she expects her grandfather back.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm baaack for the second part!!
First Impression: Hmm, having read about three of your stories, I can definitely see how far you've come. Cehyn in the Earth is paced quite well, while Mr. Quirk was rushed at times...and here its almost always a bit too rushed. I did love the emotions though, you handled those really well, especially Marie reacting to the condition of her grandfather was captured quite well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is a bit of a totally different setting from earlier, this is a touch jarring to see here, cause we've got the whole classroom thing and then BOOM we're on vacation...you should probably look into making that particular a little more smooth, perhaps a scene discussing a vacation will be taking place or something like that. The part describing the family is also a bit too much like a list, I think you should try and make that a bit more natural. The timeskip from them travelling to the family home is alright, that part is at least not too jarring to read.
Okay....I don't mind this sudden transition to a family emergency too much, but before we really start to figure out if this is a big problem or not, I think you should probably look into including a scene of them arriving in a bit more detail so that there's a sense of where they are at the moment, because we get zero description regarding this current setting.
Okay...you can see a nice contrast there with how Marie appears to be panicking quite a bit at the sight of her grandfather being in this state and her father being pretty calm and trying to get in touch with a doctor and this aunt who works at a hospital. There its pretty clear that Marie cares a lot for her grandfather and also that she's very much still a child.
Ahh...well this was almost inevitable with how things were going, but I think you actually paint a pretty good picture of this emotional moment, the pacing might be a touch rushed, but the emotion by Marie and this sense of denial is very, very realistic here. This is exactly the way that someone of her age would react to a realization like this.
Well, the reaction from the father is also relatively on point, although I'd expect a bit more shock at the start, adults often go very silent, especially fathers when they lose a loved one but yeah this is fairly good.
The last couple of lines kind of do rush past again...I feel like if you do want to skip two weeks into the future, you should at least do it in the next chapter and not just slip it in at the end of this chapter here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this was actually quite a shocking chapter. I wasn't expecting something quite this impactful to happen to Marie here...and I'm very interested to see how an incident like this effect the rest of the story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Forever,
Mailice back with a short review!
It was very unexpected what happened in this chapter and I'm glad that the story is moving so quickly. Marie has really shown that on the one hand she is still a child, but also grown up enough to take responsibility into her own hands. The chapter had a few writing errors, but nothing serious. I'll move on a little more to the general now:
The story develops very quickly. In any case, this is a good point to move the plot forward. At the moment, however, it still seems very rushed and has a bit of a problem that the reader doesn't know where to look.
I've noticed this in some of your stories and also chapters I've read before. You have this tendency for everything to move very quickly, where you can't really get a breather, like with Mr. Quirk.
I think it's really good that you're trying your hand at so many things and it also helps to learn from it, to grow, and to understand where you still need to change. As I said, I've read several chapters, and I think one of the problems you need to work on is reducing the "rush" of the chapter. You can write a fifty sentence paragraph and it's only one second gone in the plot or a five sentence paragraph that tells five years. You write it as if you were part of the story, and you have to act as hastily as the characters. I would try to reduce that a bit by keeping a distance between the characters and you.
In the meantime, you have already seen some of this in your latest story and also, for example, with Mr. Quirk. You really have to try to make a structure that tells you what happens in the chapter and how much time passes. It doesn't matter if it's 10,000 words or only 1,000; what matters is that you read it again afterwards and try to understand what's relevant and what's not. I would say you could give it to someone to read, but that's what we all do here on YWS. The point is that we have to improve.
I also see potential in you because you are so motivated and have a youthful passion. I recommend you just keep writing, there comes a point in your life when you realise that you want to create something "monumental" and that requires a lot of heart and soul. Then you will have this realisation yourself, which I am trying to explain here.
I have the impression that I have focused a little too much on what still needs to be improved and I hope that I have not been too annoying with this. If you think I'm wrong or need clarification, please don't hesitate to let me know.
Some points I noticed while reading:
So that it doesn't seem like I'm writing it and giving a lot of detail, I recommend that you just put some kind of "detail" in every sentence you wrote here so that it doesn't seem like a bullet point list. For example, that they didn't have a traffic jam, whether Marie has ever wanted to go somewhere, what the beauty looks like or what lunch was.
I'm not sure what the rules are when it comes to writing out numbers, but I think the time is one of those where you can write out the number.
Hopefully this isn't too nitpicky here, but theoretically the aunt is one of the siblings of one of the parents. So wouldn't it make more sense if you wrote that the father calls his sister? Since Marie has never been here, how would she know that her aunt lives so close?
That´s a bit too much detail here, to include the amount of time to get to the doctor. And why didn´t they call the doctor in the first place?
Marie is written here in lower caps. Also I would replace it with “her mother”
Have fun writing!
Mailice
To be honest, I am really focused on what to improve, seriously. I can't understand why my descriptions never seem to be in place. Guess I have gotta put a lot of informations and then shorten those while editing. Let's see what I can do and I am gonna upload a chapter of that "Cehyn in the Earth" very soon and I have really tried to work much on that. I hope something has improved at least. Anyway, thanks a lot for the review.
Hey Alice is here to give a review!!!
So I think I missed this chapter too of this novel ,it was great. And by the way you should chose a good name now for this novel.
Grandpa's are always everyone's favorite.
Well a matter of fact I haven't seen anyone die before me, I hope I don't witness anything like this with my loved ones.
Well I am getting used to to your new name. Good luck with the other works of yours.
Bye!!!
Thank you so much. I thought a new name- Marie's world. How is it?
Nice
Hi, here for review as requested! First of all, I want to wish you a wonderful day! And I want to tell you that this story as the one before is beautifully written. I love the way things work out in the story although this chapter is sad and has a crestfallen way of it. Without farther ado, let's jump in to the review!
Review
First,
I suggest you capitalize the first word of the sentence and use a comma before "and" since you wrote it out as if listing the family members.
This part is so desperate and sad. I suggest you say "do you need anything" although it's a dialogue and it depends on who or how.
I suggest you capitalize Marie's name when you are talking about Marie's mother and when you are talking about when grandpa falls on Marie's lap.
Oh, this part is really sad, I just wish he would just wake up and be okay....I suggest you don't put a space between "me" and the question mark.
I suggest you put a comma before "and". The last chapter was somewhat humorous but this chapter is a real twist to it, I love it.
I think you misspelled "Marie" to "Mariie". The last sentence struck me oddly yet deeply, thank you again for the requesting this review. I hope you have a AMAZING DAY! And I wish you good night.
Keep it up!
~Chris
thanks for your wonderful review
Hi hello, spiral here.
So I rather liked this chapter, it was short and to the point. You could definitely find a way to draw it out, but it's good as it is. Though, there were a few instances that made it seem unfinished? Places where you forgot to capitalize names or the start of a sentence, and just, some odd phrasing?
Time to nitpick.
"She was somehow astonished by the beauty of the place."
Using the word 'somehow' makes it seem like it's strange for Marie to find the village beautiful, as in the village isn't that much to look at. If that wasn't what was intended, just getting rid of that word should fix it.
"...his body was hot with fever."
This should either be "...his body was hot and feverish." or "...his body was hot with a fever."
"...Marie’s father ran to call a nearby doctor. After checking up, he gave some medicines..."
You should probably specify that the doctor arrived at their house instead of just skipping to him giving them some medicine, especially since it's in the same paragraph. Also, the wording is a bit off, try something like ""After checking on Marie's grandfather, the doctor handed her father some medication..."
"He rang Marie’s aunt. She told she will be arriving within an hour."
The wording is a bit odd here, you could rephrase it as "He called Marie's aunt and she told him that she could arrive withing the hour."
"Marie’s father immediately ran to call the nearby doctor whose home is about 15 minutes far."
This could be reworded as "In seeing this, Marie's father ran to the telephone to call the nearest doctor."
"By that time, both the faces..."
'the' should probably be 'their'
"Her father arrived. “Father…” he said stammering..."
You could probably do more to reintroduce Marie's father to the scene. Maybe something like, "Her father reentered the room shortly after. "Father..." he stammered, looking at the scene before him."
"his eyes were struck on his father. He was dumbstruck."
The repetition of 'struck' doesn't sound the best, maybe reword the sentence a bit or find another word to use.
"Marie had not smiled a little since then."
This sentence could have a bit more power to it, maybe try "Marie had smiled very little since then."
*Please keep in mind that these are just my opinion, you don't need to listen to everything that I said here. And I'm sorry if the fact that I rephrased so many things is irritating. Overall I really do like this story so far, and I'll definitely look at the rest of the chapters when I get the time.
Thanks for your review
Hello! I'm Hannah. A belated welcome to YWS, too! I hope my review is helpful.
Glows:
Wow, this was deep! I like how in the first chapter you showed her bad side, but this chapter showed a softer side. It made me tear up! This was great!
Grows:
I am going to use this sentence as an example for many nit-picky mistakes throughout the story:
“Father…”he said stammering “no no this can’t happen. You are alive isn’t it?”.
When you separate dialogue like that, the second parts first letter still has to be capitalized.
Between "No no" there should be a ... or a comma.
"You are alive, isn't it?" should be "You are alive, aren't you?"
Overall, this was great! It was contrasted with the former chapter and showed her softer side and I can't wait to hear more! I am going to review the next chapters after this. Keep writing, and enjoy your day!
Hannah
Hi!
This is a great chapter you have here - your language, imagery and speech all convey the emotional impact of the situation so well done on that! For your opening chapter, maybe you could try and add more of this degree of imagery or description (this is just suggested edits of course) to break up the heavy dialogue chunks. To deliver the emotional impact of the grandfather's death maybe with paragraph 8 you could:
By that time, both the faces were completely drenched in tears. For the first time, Marie saw a death just in front of her. Her father had arrived.
“Father…”he said stammering “no no this can’t happen."
"You are alive isn’t it?”.
He ran to the bed, checked Marie’s grandfather’s pulse and then his eyes were struck on his father.
He was gone.
(use spacing to add dramatic effect?) However these are all suggested edits ofc, you have much potential as a writer, so please keep writing
Sunlightwarriorxo
this is so much for me. thanks for your worthy review.
Beautifully done. I told you this would make a good novel. You just have to think up a name. This so nicely shows the relationship of a grandfather and a child, which is not very commonly shown, I have noticed. I liked how in the first chapter you showed her as someone notorious and annoying but in the second chapter you showed softer side of hers. Even the worst people have a softer side.
You also portrayed her grandfather's restlessness and I'll behaviour with all required intricate details. And I have to appreciate your vocabulary. Though I would also like to know more about that scholarship Marie got that you mentioned in the first chapter, hope that comes up later in the novel.
Good job!
this is so much for me. thanks for your worthy review. ok, i will write about that scholarship.
hey. i have written the 3rd and fourth chapter and posted it too. pls do read it.
i have completed the fifth chapter. can check it out