Although everyone is telling it’s overthinking, Marie can’t stop herself from wondering over the matter. Yesterday, the principal declared today as a holiday but the reason was quite clumsy. She said it was the ‘Dark Day’ of the school. Why was it the dark day? Did anything happen on that day?-She didn’t state anything.
Marie decided to check it out. At first, she went to the seniors. They failed to answer. Then, she went to the teacher. They pretended not to know anything about it. But, she was not discouraged.
Today, she is in the school in hope of finding something. She eavesdropped on the principal’s office. She heard two women speaking, “don’t blame yourself. If you had known, I am sure you would have taken action,” said the first one.
“I can’t stop myself from blaming me. it was for me she died. Almost ten years have passed, but I can’t forget that incident. how could she do this?” replied the second one. Marie recognized it as the voice of the principal.
Marie wondered about whom they were speaking. Marie peeped through the keyhole of the door to see if anything more was happening inside. The Principal pointed to a picture hanging on the wall and said, “ that girl, she was one of the best students of my school.”
“What will you do if she decides to finish herself? But the thing which I regret the most is it was such a shame to our school. Ten years- but the reason for her suicide is still unknown.” said the other.
Marie felt a thrill inside her. She stared at the picture which shows a young girl- probably 13-14 years of age. As of the principal, she is no more. Suddenly, Marie remembered a room. The room is located at the very end of the ground floor. There it’s written with capital letters- “NO ENTRY.” The room is known as the storeroom of the school- all broken benches and chairs are kept there. One day Marie tried to enter the room but she was caught by one of the guards, which was followed by getting a good lecture from the principal.
Some thoughts came to her mind- Was the suicide committed in that room? Why was it committed? Why do people not know the reason? To find an answer to all the questions, she captured the photo on her phone.
She came home and searched the internet to find information about the matter. One article said that the face of the victim was not revealed because of the suicide note that she left. The victim was the daughter of a famous English author. At that time, it was a matter of uncertainty of the school. The school stayed because of the help of the author only. Marley had forced Marie to listen to the mystery stories that she read but this time, Marie was really willing to do something- probably to solve the case.
***
“Marley, will you help me or not? Yes or no?” asked angry Marie who was sitting in a chair just beside Marley.
“I can but if our Principal,” fearfully answered Marley.
“Why are you so timid?”
“You don’t understand.”
“I don’t want to understand only. Will you help me or not?”
“Okay. okay. I will.” Marley answered hesitatingly.
The investigation started. “Marley, have you read the writings of him?” asked Marie briskly.
“Yes. I have read most of his writings. One or two left.” answered Marley.
“Okay. then complete those. Now, tell me a few things. Has he written anything controversial?”
“I can’t remember anything like that.”
“Wait. do you remember the summary of the books you have read?”
“Yes. Should I tell those?”
“Yes.”
“Ok. The first one. That book is basically about a businessman who later turned into a writer and his enemy. The writer writes a piece about his enemy and his evil works and the enemy takes revenge.”
“Doesn’t it seem like his own life?”
“The only similarity I can find is the writer. I can’t find any other similarities.”
“Oh no. see. Suppose, he has an enemy. Okay?”
“Okay.”
“Then, he wrote that piece completely about thinking about that enemy and his evil works. Understand?”
“Yup”
“Good. Then, his enemy came to know about that work and as it was a half-truth, he decided to take revenge and make it a complete one.”
“No. no. how can that be possible? You told me it happened 10 years ago. But, that was the first book of that writer and he wrote it nearly 15 years ago.”
“It’s quite simple. Because the writer may doubt him if he did just after the book was published. Or maybe, he came to know about it later.”
“That’s a valid reason of course. But, it seems too confusing.”
“Nothing is confusing. Okay. now, we will go to that writer’s house.”
“You go. I will not go.”
“Oh! You have to go with me.”
“How will we enter? I mean how will we escape the guards?”
“We won't,” said Marie.
“Then?”
“See. At first, we will go to his house and act as fans of the writer. then we will shout `Mr. Travis Mr. Travis. We want to meet you. Please come outside. The guards are not allowing us.”. Mr. Travis is the name of the writer.
“What do you think? Will he come?”
“I think so. Let’s check. If that plan fails, we have to think of another one.”
“Okay. let’s try then. Hope it works.” Marley said hopelessly.
“It will work,” Marie said in just the opposite way- in a determined and hopeful way.
***
The two friends arrived in front of Mr. Travis's house. “Let us enter” Marie told as the guard stopped them from entering the house.
“Stop. stop. Why do you want to enter the house?” asked one of the guards.
“We want to meet Mr. Travis.” replied Marie.
“We can’t let you go without permission.” said the other guard.
“Then take permission.” by the time Marie’s voice has risen.
Being disturbed by the chatter, Mr. Ravis, a tall, blue-eyed person, came out of the house.
“What’s wrong? Who are these children?” he asked
“Sir, we wanted to meet you and these guards were not allowing us.” replied Marley
“Okay. okay. Come inside.” he said.
Both of them went inside. “Sir,” Marie started, “We are here for a serious reason.”
“Yeah, tell.” he said.
“Okay. think of it- think carefully. Do you have any enemies? I mean great enemy?” said Marie
“Why this type of question?” he asked confusedly.
“Because we are not here for we like your work but we are here to investigate the case of your daughter’s death.” replied Marley.
“What!?” he asked standing up from the sofa.
“Yes. Please let us finish. Don’t you want your daughter to get justice?” Marie said.
“Yes. of course I want that. But- you people”
“We will solve it. Now please tell if you have any enemies or not.” asked Marley.
“No. currently I don’t have any enemies.” he replied.
“At the time of the murder or before that time?” asked Marie.
“At that time, I had one business competitor, not only my business competitor, he was actually an evil man. But after I came to writing, he was no longer my enemy. He wasn’t friends with me but the enmity was lost.”
“How do you know that? Did you ever meet him after you came to this profession?”
“No. I didn't. But it’s so normal.”
“It’s normal to you but it might not be normal to him.”
“That’s right.”
“Ok. my next question- did you write your first book on thinking about that enemy only?” asked Marie.
“Yes. but how did you know-”
“Well. it might be this that your enemy thought of making that story true. I mean he wanted to take revenge on you because you revealed his bad works. Yes, I know not by his name, but then also psychology is quite complex. Isn’t it?” Marley answered.
After 3 days of travelling, complaints, cases and many other troubles and difficulties, the matter was solved. Marie and Marley were rewarded the best students of the year by the school committee and they were also identified as the youngest to solve a mystery by the state government and thus were rewarded.
THE END
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Aaand so at long last we have come to an end here...this story may not have had the most cohesive of plots, with it feeling like several different stories took place within it at the same time, but as far as endings go, this one was a very satisfying one here...I enjoyed it.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh, in the newest installment of Marie has to save the day, we've got a distinctly more mysterious tone spreading through the school here, not something I've seen before...I have a feeling this part is going to go much deeper than just an exam, especially considering the title of the piece.
Oooh...some classic eavesdropping, I love how this is intentional eavesdropping as opposed to so many stories where things like this are always accidental when its a kid that's doing the investigation.
Ooooh, well, this is starting to really escalate here, and I'm loving it...this is definitely not a conversation these two should've had without first checking to make sure that no one was eavesdropping.
Ooooh, this is an interesting little tale that you're constructing here. In true Forever fashion, this is a little rushed, but the potential is really there with how you're showing Marie becoming aware of the case, finding herself interested and then making the decision that she is somehow going to solve it here.
Ooh, looks like the two friends are going to end up teaming up on this. Marley doesn't seem to be fully onboard with the investigation, but you can see the strength of their friendship in how Marley decides to help Marie even though she isn't all that comfortable with the things that might happen.
Oooh, this is an interesting approach that Marie is suggesting, I don't think that's the sort of thing too many detectives would've done, that much is pretty clear. I wonder how this is going to end up going down here. At any rate, this at least seems like more of a research based mystery solution than anything that could put them in danger.
Ooooh, it looks like Marie has found something about that book that not even Marley managed to figure out, this should be a very interesting explanation here.
Hmm, Marie's very convinced of her theory here, almost a little too convinced I would usually say, but considering her age, this actually makes sense for her to believe that this one way that she came up with is right and her trying to prove it every way possible makes a lot of sense in that situation.
OOooh, we might see some actual action go down here. First I assumed it was only going to be based on research but now it looks like they're going to have to go to the writer and do a few things here before they can confirm this theory that they have got going.
That's such a Marie thing to do there to decide on one plan and say that they will only think of a backup plan if this one goes wrong. All this time, its been made very clear that Marie is not the sort of person that will think through things more than once before she's a 100% committed to a plan.
Wow, Marie is being very confident here, I think that's going to play a good part in this plan being successful here...although I hope that once they manage to get inside its not going to all end up going very wrong here.
Wow, Marie is very much to the point here, I thought she'd try to learn this information a bit more subtly, but know she's just being very blunt about it. I suppose if she managed to scare a teacher into helping her complete a test, this sort of thing is to be expected here.
Well..Mr. Travis reaction is pretty interesting. Its definitely dancing at the edge of not being realistic but I think it manages to sound somehow convincing enough that it doesn't sound like its impossible for Mr. Travis to act this way in this situation.
Oooh, I think we found our murderer. Maybe Marie's crazy theory from earlier is actually correct after all, judging by the reaction that we're seeing right here.
Oooh..Marie is asking the right questions now...and I think this is pretty much case closed at this point if I know how these stories tend to progress forward, well, it is certainly pretty interesting to see here.
Ahh...a happy ending for Marie after all..well, I was worried all her cheating on exams would come back to haunt here...but this was a surprisingly and I think it suits this style that you had going on very well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this was a good point to end on...with the direction this story was going on, this seems somehow oddly fitting to the kind of story you've tried to tell. The plot here, I think I've said more than enough on that one..so I won't say much more. The characters though, I actually liked quite a bit. Marie is actually a fairly likeable character here...and Marley is a really good friend to her. Throughout the later parts of this book, I've really loved how their friendship, trust and support of each other has always been consistent. In a book with such a rapidly changing plot, they were a constant that really grounded the narrative here and I love that. So, yeah you've created some very good characters here. If you try a redraft, that's one thing you don't have to worry too much about, but you can really build a wonderful plot around these two
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey!! Thanks for all the reviews
You're Welcome!!
Hi Forever,
Mailice a final time here with a review!
First a short overview of this chapter before I go to the general conclusion. I like how the last chapter builds up with a great mystery. I think you manage to make suspense with it and expect that to be fulfilled as well. I also liked that it was about a rather unconventional ending.
Because I found the ending a bit like you rushed to finish it. On the one hand, I appreciate that, but on the other hand, you could have expanded on that a bit more, given that the introduction to the chapter is a bit bigger. I also found the dialogues with the author a bit confusing, but still understandable.
Now I'll go into the chapter and the story in general a bit more. I think if you ever rewrite the story, I would give sublime hints, like this student that a picture is hanging somewhere at trophies in the school, and nobody knows exactly who she is, or already a chapter or two before that, that there is a poetry competition. Because with that, you're building up a constant that allows you to prepare the reader for things and then distract them again.
So we have reached the end. I have to say, you could see over the chapters that you've improved a lot here. It was like a train ride going up a hill where it was a bit harder and slower at the beginning and now it's going in the right direction. The story was a bit confusing for me personally at the beginning, and only got an overview as the chapters went on. I find it a pity that it now ends abruptly and yet well chosen, but also good.
There is now an approach to rewrite the story. I've already mentioned it several times, but to perform it as a kind of play or to write it as a script, I would find very exciting. Your dialogues in particular are so developed that they sometimes take on an interesting and philosophical flavour. Some of these dialogues need to be reworked, but in many cases it was very easy to see who is speaking and who is winning a conflict / discussion. Since in a play the focus is more on the dialogues and the characters, it would also be a good idea to use a step to improve.
What I also liked, and was only apparent as the number of chapters increased, was the episodic division of the chapters. While you always had the main character in front of you - Marie - who had undergone a drastic change over the course of the twelve chapters (which I appreciated).
Of course, you still have to work a little on dealing with the spelling mistakes. In one of the last reviews I advised you to let the text rest (like a cake after baking, so that it can cool down). Sometimes it seems as if it disturbs the flow of reading because of the little bumps. Otherwise, as written, I can only warmly recommend that you rewrite this story again, this time in a new form.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hey Mailice! I will re-write it when I am free or without any inspiration to do anything. As I haven't re-written any story earlier, it seems to be quite interesting. Let's see when I can re-write it. I am a bit top excited about Cehyn in The Earth.
Thanks a lot for all the reviews that you left in my chapters.
Hey Alice is here to give a review!!!
So happy you completed your challenge of writing one chapter a day but I suggest you not to do this anymore, take enough time to write, think of the ways to make the chapters better. Maybe a good idea comes a day after, so take time while writing a novel.
SUGGESTIONS
It will be better to use an exclamatory marks in this lines instead of full stop. Like this:
TINY MINY NITPICKS
The second okay should be capitalized you did the same mistake in these too
You have improved a lot! Your way of writing diologues has improved, your sentence choice has improved, everything. Well done! Hope to see your new works soon.
Bye!!!
Thanks
do you think it is suitable for being the finishing chapter? or you suggest any other chapters?
Your grammar and arranging of the sentences has very much improved, using more sophisticated styles and writing variations such as dashes and an effective use of commas.
“I can but if our Principal,” fearfully answered Marley.
“Why are you so timid?”
With these lines, could you cut Marley off using a dash? Since the sentence hasn't completely finished, I think that making it seem like Marie is stepping in to talk over her would work well:
'"I can but if our Principal-" Marley was cut short by Marie.
"Why are you so timid?"'
'Today, she is in the school in hope of finding something'
Could this line be changed to: 'On one school-day, she investigates in hope of finding something.'
Just to maintain the tense structure and keep it in the past.
Additionally, what was the story behind the writer and the man. Can you unveil it in detail? We know that the enemy had probably committed the crime, however how, or why and what has his enemy got to do with the girl? Was the father angry that those kids had the audacity to come to him talking about his girl, would he cry in memory of his little girl that lost her life. Perhaps there are photos of her everywhere within his home? The enemy must have been pure evil if he had done something bad to the girl.
'Marie decided to check it out. At first, she went to the seniors. They failed to answer. Then, she went to the teacher. They pretended not to know anything about it. But, she was not discouraged.' I loved the repetition you used in this sentence.
I enjoyed this piece
hello. you know what this is the last chapter of my novel. is it suitable for ending a novel?
I think that the last chapter that you wrote about the performance would have been a beautiful ending to your novel, could you make this chapter 11 and the other one chapter 12?