Rossy is a perfect girl for class monitoring. She has a power which can be justifiably called extramundane. No, not only class monitoring, she has a different type of will power.
Today, the day just before the summer holidays is a distinguished day. however, class 5 is still quiet- no noises except a faint- very faint noise of something ringing.
More or less, all eyes turned towards Marie, the most mischievous girl in the class who was thrashing her sharpner against the pencil creating the noise.
"Excellent!KEEP IT UP!" shouted Rossy. "Ok. Thanks for the permission." replied Marie amusingly.
"Will you?... or shall I call...?"
"Go...go... do whatever you like."
These two girls were just the opposite. Keeping Marie shut was a great task laid before Rossy. Edina interrupted,"Marie, please... we can't concentrate. Are you going to fail this year... I think so."
"That's none of your business." rejoindered Marie with a grumpy voice.
"Ok girls. Today is the last day before our summer vacation. So, we will not meet nearly for one month.Any problem, any queries come to me fast... one by one"
Many confused eyes met. Finally Ariana raised her voice,"Ma'am none of us is having problems. But ma'am Marie is a great problem."
"Why/ what has she done?"
Edina stood up and answered,"Ma'am the question should be what she has not done yet... she keeps disturbing us all the time. We thought that this will end one day... but no, we were wrong. something must be done."
"Ok. ok. Quite. Marie stand up... Marie, I told you to stand up... Hello... Marie- MARIE ! CAN'T..."
"Yes? Are you telling me ma'am" Marie answered coming out from trance.
"No. no. I am telling heaven. What were you dreaming?"
"Playing video games..."
The whole class had almost laughed except Rossy.
"What?"
"No no nothing ma'am."
"Nothing - come out- I said come out... will you?"
"Ma'am I-I haven't"
"I have seen. Just come out of your place. The rest I will see."
Marie stood up and lingered out of the seat. "What do you do with them?"
"Nothing ma'am."
Rossy hindered,"Nothing ma'am. Starting from scratching in our books to put chewing gums in our seats and so on"
Miss Crates stopped her and continued,"Have you done all these?"
"No ma'am."
"No ma'am... come with me."
"Where?"
"You will see where. Now come. Rossy maintain the class."
They came down the stairs, Marie with a anxious heart. Miss Crates rung the bell and the door opened.
"Come inside." a heavy voice came from inside... Marie's heart skipped a beat as she recognized the voice of the principal. She had hoped that the principal would be outside then but just the opposite happened.
"Ma'am" Miss Crates replied"The whole class is complaining about her. What can be done?"
"What?!" said the principal shockingly.
"Yes, any problem?"
"Actually the scholarship report came a few minutes ago and she has stood first in it."
"What? Ma'am I think you are mistaking her with someone else."
"No. no. Her name is Marie. right?"
"Yes."
Marie interrupted,"What? Just say once more"
"Yes yes it's you only."
"Ma'am what are you saying!" said Miss Crates with shriked eyebrows.
"Wait. wait. Marie, are the complains against you true?"
"Yes ma'am." the words slipped out from her mouth.
"Yes!"
"No no ma'am I haven't"
"You just said yes I know you have done it. I am leaving you for your good results but the next time you will see me."
I am writing a novel. this is the first chapter of it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to take a peek at this story...let's see how this one measures up!!
First Impression: Hmm, so this is a very normal setting here, just a simple student in a normal class....I wonder where this is going to be going here...but I did like this opening chapter, it has a few issues, but it seems like an interesting enough premise that I will continue reading this hre.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...slightly jumbled up start here on this piece. One one hand, the introduction of Rossy is really leaning a bit too much towards the whole "telling" part of things a bit too much. You sum up here personality kind of within the first two lines...as opposed to that Marie's introuction is actually much better, you only say that she's the most mischievous and then do that while showing why she has that title. The description of the surroundings for the class is a bit dry there, its rather short and kind of shoved in the middle, you should either make that a bit longer or remove that entirely, cause as it is it isn't doing much.
Okay...this seems like standard enough banter for the middle of a fairly busy class, and I actually the that the dialogue works quite well here...buuut the main issue for this part is the appearance of the teacher. She just seems to speak up straight out of nowhere..and it is a bit of jarring introduction...I think you need to at least mention something like "The teacher then began" or so before going right to her line cause you really can't tell who just spoke until you look at this like five times.
Well...I've definitely seen a few Marie's running around in my class before...this is definitely always entertaining as much as it is sad to see someone disrespect the teacher quite that much. I think the dialogue is working really well here so far to you really bring across who Marie is here.
Well, this looks to be the walk of shame that you take when you're being escorted to the principal's office although you can clearly see that Marie has spaced out enough by this point that she has no idea at all what is currently going on.
Welll...the word "hindered" there isn't the best choice. I think "interrupted" is probably a much better choice. Hindered is more of a physical thing to do to someone rather than something that can be used in dialogue. But hmm...well Miss Crates clearly believes the class rather than Marie...and it looks like Marie's about to be in a whole lot of trouble here.
Hmm...well the principal looks to be very shocked that there's someone that disturbs the class a lot...that should be something a lot more common in a school, there's usually always at least one person like Marie per class.
Hmm, well looks like despite her disturbing everyone else in the class, she keeps up on her grades quite well, sad to say, I've seen this a lot before too...those people are definitely the worst, they don't let the rest of the class learn, then they go home and study and end up still getting good grades.
Well, that seems like a thinly veiled warning there for her to behave herself or she would be punished fairly severely the next time. I don't know if I agree with this decision here though, perhaps she can get a less severe punishment cause of her good results, but no punishment at all is a bad idea there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this seems mostly meant to be an introduction to who Marie is and what she's like and I think it does a good job of it there. The dialogues especially really bring across what kind of personality she has. I think the biggest issue I'd have to point out here is this is in dire need of some more dialogue tags here, cause some of the parts are a bit harder to follow here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you for the review!! Ah, Marie is not like the worst students. She doesn't study at all but well, those scholarship exams are mostly mcqs. So, she just somehow managed to pick the correct answer
You're Welcome!!
can't wait to find out more. 
Ooooohh....that's lucky....well well
Hi Forever,
Mailice here with a short review!
So I've picked out another novel here that you wrote, and I assume from the date of publication that it was one of the first projects you presented here on YWS.
I can definitely say that your approach is much better now than it was then. This chapter is quite dynamic, because you only start with a short description and then move on to the actual action. I find this pace very surprising, as the first sections still somewhat assumed that there would be more to come. I still like how it developed very quickly and how you got to the point.
I found the dialogues, which more or less took up half, just as dynamic as the chapter. They were fluid and as if on command - like a pupil would answer her teacher. I think that really left an effect and I think it also had a very theatrical effect as the dialogues were completely without a name tag of who was speaking. I didn't think it was so directly necessary here because you quickly knew who was speaking.
Again, I refer to the fact that you have built up some questions with your hurried pace, which of course you do not have to answer directly, but you have not elaborated on the questions. You are indirectly creating confusion because you are jumping from one point to the next. This gives the reader the feeling that they either have to pay attention to everything or nothing at all.
It's one of those things that happens when you haven't written that much yet or you want to try something new. I think the only thing that helps is to write, and always write, to get to that point where you become a "reader" and a "writer". Then you realise what you still have to change or how it affects a reader who doesn't know as much about it as the writer does.
Other than that, I thought it was actually a good start. There were some spelling mistakes and punctuation errors, but otherwise it was a solid first chapter.
Some points I noticed while reading:
In the first sentence, there should be a comma after "summer holidays". This is because you have inserted a "subordinate clause" into the main clause, which can be read as a complete sentence even without this part. After that, only the "h" in "however" needs to be capitalised.
Inserting a slash is not so suitable for direct speech. I would insert triple dots so that you can see that the teacher doesn't know exactly what she has to pay attention to.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hey Mailice! This was the first novel I wrote getting nostalgic about School and also my first try at writing(though I wrote many awful essays before at school) And I am really really glad that my writing has inproved at least a bit
After your comment, I just re-read the chapter and I do understand your points. It's my all time disease to input a lot of dialogues in the chapters(I love dialogues) and to cut descriptions. I just hope that this disease has gone downhill to some extent.
Hey it's RB a bit late for the book but as you know I have just started usong YWS thus I'm quite new and looking for great books to read. Well your introduction was intriguing but there are some things making it seem kind of murky.
The thing is I found many paragraphs as the one up there that have the dialogue of both girls said at once and kept in one line made it seem as if one party spelled it out and not an exchange of words guess you should work on just separating them so tat won't be confusing for readers
I love the turn on of the events and this plot twist here is well made. It gave the protagonist a sharp personality not for being mischievous, but being a big barin and toppee instead. I like this kind of protagonists.
As shameful as it is I find it amusing here I like the attitude she pulling off.
.
I had to reread it to fully understand that she either zoned out while being interrogated or she was annoying her on purpose for making a fuss. So I'm still contemplating in which context I should have put this paragraph. If just few details were narrated.
All in all as a start it's quite interesting to know and to look for what's coming afterwards. The story so far is interesting, you just have to work on the jargon and
ellipsis as you overused them and that makes the story informal. There are some grammatical mistakes,
misspelled words and misuse of punctuation but guess if you download grammarly, it will fix that problem. Nevertheless, your style is good and engrossing.
Keep it uo and good luck
Bwing Bwing~~
-RB
Hello there! I'm here for a review as requested. I'm having a busy week and I didn't have much time to go on YWS, I apologize for the late review. I enjoyed reading this story and I think Marie and Rosy are both very interesting characters. I love the dialogue that is said between, instead of explaining and describing things, you chose to make the characters say things. And I think that is a great choice since other writers usually describe things and thoughts and not write in a simple yet amazing way you are writing rn.
The intro was kinda long, sorry about that
Review
First of all, I want to point out the second sentence from the start.
I suggest you change "which can" to "that can". I think it's better written that was because when you are indicating a certain person or a thing a person can be, you say "that can". You can use "which can" but it's more like adding to the information that is already given, for example, "Gelatin, which is an animal protein, dates back to 4,000 years to the Egyptian pharaohs.". Also if you are using "which" you usually use a comma because it's a complex sentence.
Sorry for the long explanation >-<
*Feel free to ignore the suggestions*
I think "sharpner" is misspelled.
I think you need a space between "Excellent!" and "KEEP IT UP!"
I suggest you use a comma instead of a period after "permission" since it's not a complete thought.
I think you need a comm between the two sentences.
I suggest you use a comm after "Finally", since it's an introductory phrase.
I think it's "an anxious heart" not "a anxious heart", for when you have a word starting with "a" it's usually used with "an". Feel free to keep it "a" it doesn't matter much with adjectives but I just pointing out.
I suggest you use a comma after "Ma'am" since you are talking directly to her.
I think you misspelled "shrieked" as "shriked".
I didn't find big mistakes to point out and I think this story is well written. Thank you for sharing this. Again thank you for the request by it I have just read an amazing story.
Welcome to YWS!
Keep on writing!
~Chris
thanks for your wonderful review
Hi @1234! I'm Yoshi and I'm here for your requested review!
Although it is a really nice start, it's a bit rushed. I know, I know, usually hooks are supposed to be fast, but this is barely a hook and should be slowed down.
Great start, though!
Big oof. Marie seems like the protagonist already. Even though she is painted as the troublemaker, she seems like a protagonist. Also, you overuse the ellipses. It's a bit annoying to read and makes the story seem very informal.
Just to sum up this first chapter, it's pretty intriguing, but you have a very informal style. Also, there are many run-ons and grammatical errors. To help this, you should proofread. Proofreading is re-reading something you've wrote to catch the errors. It also helps to proofread out loud. By the way, I notice that all your characters are female, which I don't know if this is on purpose, but if it isn't, then you should include some male characters, as it would mix things up in a good way.
Finally, I think you have way too much dialogue here and not enough description. Generally, a first chapter like this should be chunky and have more information on the protagonist's history and personality than the protagonist going through twists in the plot.
Anyways, I hope you were satisfied with your review! Keep up the good work!
-yoshi
This was a pretty intriguing story! There was a lot of dialogue and I found a couple of grammatical errors. To help catch them I would download Grammarly. It is free for the grammar version. I downloaded it a couple of days ago and have been using it to review stories as well!
And no they are not paying me to say this.
yes. i also downloaded it.
cool!
Hi hello! I'm going to start by saying that I enjoyed reading this. It's rather nice, I like the pacing of it and the story itself seems interesting. Now time for me to nitpick.
"...a distinguished day. however..."
either, that period should be a comma, or 'however' should be capitalized.
"Excellent! KEEP IT UP!" shouted Rossy."
There's nothing wrong with the dialogue here, but the capitalization makes it seem a bit aggressive. But if that's what you're going for then by all means keep it in.
"rejoindered Marie with a grumpy voice."
Firstly, 'rejoindered' isn't the right way to conjugate rejoinder -though I don't know what is. But regardless, that isn't a very common word, and it might serve you better to rephrase that with a different word. Maybe something like, "Marie shot back with a grumpy tone.", but that's just a suggestion.
"Any problem, any queries come to me fast..."
'problem' should be 'problems', and there should be a comma after 'queries'.
"Ma'am none of us is having problems. But ma'am Marie is a great problem."
In both instances, there should probably be a comma after 'ma'am'.
"Hello... Marie- MARIE ! CAN'T..."
You should probably end this with a dash instead of an ellipses, since Marie cuts her off.
"Come inside." a heavy voice came from inside..."
The word 'inside' could be changed, in the first instance you could instead say "in", or in the second instance you could say "...from inside the room..." just to clean it up a bit.
""Ma'am" Miss Crates replied"
You never did specify if they had walked into the room or not, so maybe you could say something like "Miss Crates replied, walking into the room with Marie in tow."
Putting aside how picky I was being, this is a really nice read. And keep in mind, all of these are just suggestions, no need to listen to everything I said.
thanks for your worthy review. you can also check out the other chapters.
Hi and welcome to YWS!
You have some interesting ideas - this is a very intriguing piece you've wrote here. It definitely makes you want to find out more and draws you into the piece. However, there's is an awful lot of dialogue, and characters are introduced at very rapid pace so it is easy to get confused and work out the direction of the piece. Maybe if you add an aspect of description or background information (rather than just the much hated info dump) after each piece of dialogue to allow the reader to become immersed in the situation that you're trying to convey here? But considering your age, you certainly do show an awful lot of potential as a writer, so please continue with your writing because it will only just improve
Sunlightwarriorxo
Hey Alice is here to give a review!!!
It was a nice start with the two main characters. Your diologues are well written. This was so relatable I think every class has these two type of student one the monitor other the notorious one.
SMALL NITPICKS
'sharpner' should be 'sharpener'
'a anxious' should be 'an anxious'
'rung' should be 'rang'
'shriked' should be 'shrieked'
'complains' should be "complaints"
Enough nitpicks now lets stop!
You have already did a wonderful job writing the first chapter. These small spelling mistakes are not that much important we all make them almost every time.
Hope you have an amzing time on YWS!
Bye!!!
this is so much to me. thanks for this review. i have a simple question, if you are told to give marks out of 10, how much would you give?
Maybe 8
Don't worry you will improve
I didn't knew the W of writing until I came to YWS
thank you so much for your worthy reply.
This makes a great introductory chapter, with not many characters introduced at once. I would like to read therest of the novel, what have you named it? Most heroes in books have found it difficult to fit in and are a bit notorious. Choosing 2 characters with distinct personalities is a great start. I find such school-based books interesting. What is the genre of you novel ?
I low-key lied the part where Marie said "none of your business", even though it's a common dialogue😅.
this is so much foe me. the novel is mainly about that girl named 'marie'. this is what i have thought about the novel till now. actually, i am a discovery writer. instant thinking and writing is my policy. and name? i haven't named it yet. at first, i will complete it and then think of a suitable name. maybe, it will be something surrounded with marie