Today is the seventh day of the 10 intolerable days. Although her father didn’t scold her, her mother did the opposite. Her mother shouted so loud that almost the whole flat came to see what was happening! “I will not listen to anything for you. Why did you do this? Tell me.” she shouted.
In response, Marie walked out of the room because she didn’t want to answer it. She went to Marley’s house hoping she would be alone in the house. the reason Marie likes Marley so much because she doesn’t behave over smart- the thing most toppers do(as of Marie). Her hope came true but Marley was sobbing. When Marie approached her, Marley told sobbingly, “you know what Marie, it was wrong of us to do such a prank.”
“Of course not. Why are you crying?”Marie replied.
“I will miss about 50 important classes. Can you even think of it?”
“Shut up. Earlier, I attended only 30% of classes, because it was compulsory. And you are crying for 50 classes. Nothing will happen.”
“What only 35% classes! You were a genius student then… I am gonna fail this year.”
Marie laughed very hard as this sentence sound like a mere joke to her. Then, she continued, “ see. The word fail and you live in two opposite poles. You two will never come together.”
“Really? Aren’t you lying?”
“No. not at all.”
“wait. I have a very good book to read to you.”
Marie shrugged. Marley took up a book from the table. Marie assumed the book would be at least a thousand pages, too much for a student of class 5. Marley started, “In bygone days”
Marie interposed, “What did you say? By…”
“Bygone”
“Yes. bygone. What does it mean?”
“Bygone means antiquated”
“What!? Tell in a simple language.”
“Bygone means in the past. Ok?”
“Yes. this is not right. Why the authors write so hard languages?”
“This is not a hard language. It’s quite easy.”
“Only to you.”
“Whatever let us continue. In bygone days, there breathed a species of creatures called dinosaurs.”
“Wait. what do you mean by species?”
“A type.”
“This is too boring. Let’s play football.”
“I can’t play football. Le’s continue with this only. It’s so interesting.”
“Then badminton? I know you can play badminton.”
“Ok.”
The match started. Marie hit the cock in such a way that it entered one neighbor’s garden.
“Now, what will we do?” enquired Marley.
“You go and ask for the cock.”
“She will beat me up. I will not go. You go.”
“Ok. if you don’t want your cock back, then don’t go.”
“You threw it away. It’s your fault.”
Ok. wait. We will toss. Give me a coin.”
“Wait giving.” Marley took out a coin from her pocket and handed it to Marie.
“What will you take?” Marie asked.
“Head.”
“Then, me tail.”
Marie flipped the coin to the air, caught it, opened it, and jumped shouting “tail!”
Marley’s curiosity was put down. She had to go.
She crept and jumped over the wall, walked as softly as she could. Finally, she got the cock but when she tried to jump, her jeans got stuck in a cactus tree and she fell. Fortunately, the sound was not much but Marie could hear it as she was standing near the wall. She jumped over the wall to help Marley.
After they came back, there was a long deep cut in Marley’s hand. Marie ran inside Marley’s house, took out all first aid, and bandaged Marley.
“I told you that I can’t” Marley complained to Marie.
“It’s totally ok. Don’t divert your mind to that cut and don’t look at it. You will feel better.”
“Maybe. It’s already late. You can return now. Bye.”
“Bye.”
***
“Marie, where were you?” asked her mother.
“I went to meet Marley,” she answered.
“Why didn’t you inform me?”
“Because you were shouting”
“I was shouting for your good.”
“Ok. I am very hungry. Do you have anything?”
“Yes. sit down. I was waiting for you only. And your principal called me. You all can join school from tomorrow. She also warned, if you again do some prank… she will take strict actions against you all.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: So, this was nice little slightly reflective chapter as they have to process their suspension and having to go through it. Its a bit of filler here and I think you manage to capture things relatively well.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that is about the reaction that you generally expect there. That's just so relatable to see the father not taking it all that seriously but the mother shouting at her in front of everyone...this is after not that bad of a prank to do, cause the one they were pranking was doing much worse things. Also...hmm, looks like Marie has made a new friend there...its a bit sudden...but well, its a fun little development here.
Well..that's an interesting conversation there, I have to say Marie is being a bit of a bad friend there, she's not really doing much comforting but kind of trying to make Marley feel as if her problems aren't important, but we get to see the two personalities quite clearly there in how Marie views schoolwork and how Marley views schoolwork. Also hmm, I've never been suspended before, so I have no idea, but shouldn't they help you cover the schoolwork that is missed anyway, it doesn't sound like a school would make the child miss out on that many days without doing anything to help cover it.
Oooh, well, this is a much better reaction for a friend to have, now we can see that maybe Marie does care for Marley a little bit after all, I feel like that earlier was a bit too cold, compared to here where you can see her actually offering a bit of comfort.
Hahha...I have had far too many conversations like this with my friends, I literally had one of these moments yesterday, this part of the dialogue just flows really honestly. Honestly, your dialogue is one of the strongest parts of your stories when you get it right. If you just included a few more dialogue tags and emotions, these would make for some really awesome conversations.
Oh dear, I can just imagine how this might have gone there with Marley desperately trying to convince the much less studious Marie to understand a book that definitely seems to be a bit advanced for the grade that the two girls are in here.
Hmm...I feel like this argument was kind of quick, it feels like that initial refusal by Marley has no real impact when you rush through it quite this fast...I think you need to perhaps slow down a bit more here and drag out this conversation a little or just have Marley agree to the first sport right away, with how much she seemed engrossed in the book, this just seems like an unrealistic decision.
Ahh...well this is all just bringing up so many memories at this point. This just totally reminds me of the interactions I'd have with my friends. Once again I have to say, most of this dialogue comes across really well and does a great job showing how the two friends act with each other.
That's actually a pretty good compromise that they came to, I really wasn't expecting the two to come to an agreement like that, I was fully expecting a bit of fighting, but this definitely shows that the two of them do get along well despite the differences that they do share.
Oh this is not going to end well there, cactus trees are definitely bad, not to mention how much sound would have been made with the fall...at least they hopefully managed to get their shuttlecock back.
Ahh you love to see Marie end up supporting her friend without any hesitation at all when she got injured, that really shows that even though she was shouting and arguing earlier, she really does care for her friend and is there to help her when she needs it.
Hmm, well that confrontation with her mother went much better than I though. And a scene break!! Yay!! You're already improving. Ahh I love seeing that, those three little asterisks have so much more power than you think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this makes for a pretty decent story right here...I think you capture this intermediate period nicely and it was really interesting to see the relationship between Marie and her friend Marley here...you could see some genuine friendship happening there. Overall, I'm excited to see what will happen next now after they return to school.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Thank you for the review
You're Welcome!!
Hi Forever,
Mailice back with another review!
We reach a new point in the story that I like. The interactions between Marie and Marley. (At the beginning you think the names sound similar, but you get used to it after a while). So, I really liked that you brought out a new conflict in Marie and her parents in this chapter.
That's a good point you inserted to create a kind of interval between the school and the continuation of the school. This is also what I meant by action - reaction in my last review. You open another door before you close the previous one.
Because that gives the reader a new insight and shows that the story doesn't go straight out and can be taken with a lightness. This chapter also showed me that you are trying new things. You mentioned in one reply that you haven't read that much yet, and that amazes me for what all you have already published here on YWS.
I would advise you to pick a book at least once a month (which you might be able to borrow from the library if you have one nearby) and read it. It helps immensely to read, because subconsciously you notice a lot. When you start writing again, you'll realise at some point that although you're copying some things in terms of style, it gives you a better understanding of how to crystallise your own style. Because at the moment I would say you have hard-hitting and direct dialogue, which will definitely help a lot in a kind of crime or mystery.
If you need any tips on what to read, maybe I can help you choose - when it comes down to it, I read about 5 metres of books a year.
Some points that my eye caught:
I like your introduction here and the horror behind it.
That's really a very, very beautiful description and you've done it well by adding the exclamation mark too. Something like that can be inserted more often.
The last part can be replaced by “there”.
A space is missing here.
“See” has to be written with a capitalisation.
Another case of lower case.
The second sentence contradicts itself a little with the "Yes." and the subsequent answer. I would rewrite it as "This can't be right."
The t is missing here.
Have fun writing,
Mailice
Hi, I really enjoyed reading this
- you show more and more potential as a writer through each chapter with your: description and characterisation so well done! however, i would recommend breaking down your dialogue tags as in this extract they present themeselves as large blocks which for some readers can be easy to get lost in - also expand on the principal description (if you choose too) and build an image of their face, and voice tone to allow us to see them as a dominating and authorative figure that you're trying to convey. But other than that, well done, it's a great piece that shows potential 
thanks for your review
Each chapter is getting more descriptive. You have made the story flow easily and effectively. I also love the dialogue and the reactions. Does her father do anything to stop her mother yelling at her? How does the mother react when she closes the door on her?
With the line: 'Her hope came true but Marley was sobbing. When Marie approached her, Marley told sobbingly, “you know what Marie, it was wrong of us to do such a prank.”'
You could use a different word to describe how Marley said her line since you already used the word sobbing: Marley told with her cheeks red with tears.
Was Marie thankful when Marley stopped reading that long book? How long was it, perhaps Marie takes a sneaky look at how long it was and is appalled by the length of it. Maybe even describe Marley's room- is it laden with books and notebooks? State through Marie's thoughts of how she would never sleep in a room like this, and how she doesn't know how Marley can read all of these books so easily.
Enjoyed reading this piece:)
thanks for your review. I will add all your points while editing this piece