Ch- 11: The Grand Concert

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Ahh...another installment in the many adventures of Marie and this has to be one of the best one's here, that thinking by Marie in the end especially was actually pretty smart, if a little bit impractical, I mean, how does balance 58 mobile phones...xD, but I love the concept..and its very fitting for the kind of style this story has had.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Only three days left for the annual concert. Class 5 is chosen for the classical dance. The problem was Marie was dancing for the first time. That school didn’t have any annual concerts. While the dance teacher was telling her to tap the foot twice, Marie was doing it thrice. When she was telling- 1-1-2-2-1, Marie did it 1-2-1… at last, the teacher said, “Marie, do it seriously. You are missing all the steps. Do it in rhythm. See Marley. How good she is doing!”

Marie shuddered while Marley blushed. She continued, “So from the beginning- 1-1-2-2-1. now, with the music…Marie, do it seriously or move out.”

Marie, finding the second one easier moved out. The dance teacher was going to call out her name but stopped as Marie didn’t look at her. Finally, she(dance teacher) spoke, “see. That girl. She didn’t even try to do.”

Marie replied as she understood it was told to her, “I do what I love and I don’t do what I hate.”

Then, she entered the school building and was caught by the principal who was walking in the corridor. “Marie, what are you doing here? The whole class 5 is rehearsing outside. Only three days left!” the principal told.

“Ma’am, the dance teacher told me to move out of the group. What can I do?” Marie told in answer.

“That means you were not doing good. Isn’t it?”

“Ma’am if all could do all things, the world would have been different.”

“Shut up! Take it as a challenge. I know you can do this.”

Marie felt a bit inspired but then thought of her prestige. How would she go back? She gave a sharp reply to that dance teacher. She looked at the principal’s face.

“What’s wrong? Will you go or not?” said the principal.

“Ma’am, actually…”

“I heard it- what you told to the dance teacher. If you really think of your prestige, then go back. Show them that you can do.”

Marie went back. The dance teacher wickedly smiled at her. She didn’t care about it. She started following the dance teacher seriously. She did it but not that good.

The day of the function. All dressed in different costumes. Class 5 is supposed to come at 3:30 p.m. All arrived except Marie. Then, she was riding her bicycle. A dust particle came and entered Marie’s eyes leading her to crash into a pedestrian. She applied the brakes as quickly as she could. The pedestrian shouted, “Can’t you see? What happened to your bells?”

“A dust particle has entered in my eye. Please help me.” Marie said in reply.

The person simply ignored her.

She tried hard but it was not coming out. What will she do? The place was not far. She started walking. As soon as she reached it, her friends helped her to take it out.

The function started. To Marie, it seemed too boring because they couldn’t see any performance and were sitting idle. Suddenly, there were many shouts and cries. There was a power cut!it put water on all the wishes and hopes of Marley. She told, “Our performance is the second last. I don’t think it will happen.”

The girl sitting beside her added, “Yes. you are right Marley. What will we do now?”

Marie told, “Don’t lose hope. The power supply will be back.”

Marley told, “Marie, stop consoling us. Didn’t you hear that there is a problem with the main power supply? It’s not that easy to fix it.”

“Really? Then, we have to find another way.” Marie replied thinking that her effort can’t go in vain.

“So, what will we do? We will dance without music in dark?”

“No. not that. I have an idea.”

“What idea?” the whole class 5 asked eagerly.

“Telling. Now, follow me.”

All followed her. She went to the auditorium where the parents were sitting with the mobile torches on in their hands. Marie told, “Go to your parents and collect their mobile phones. After many difficulties, Marie found her parents and collected their phones.

After half an hour, there were 58 mobiles collected by class 5. Marie almost ordered, “Now, find that ridiculous song on the internet. We will play that song on all the mobiles, then the sound will be louder. Also, we have to fit all these mobiles on the stage in such a way that all the light falls on the performers. Ok? So let’s begin.”

After one hour, class 5 was performing on the stage and after their performance, there was a huge round of applause.

Hi Forever,



Mailice back with another review!

This was another interesting and beautiful chapter from you. I feel like you put more thought into the plot and how you set it up for the last chapter and this one, because you can clearly see that. The story is more structured and the reader can follow it better. It doesn't seem compressed and opaque anymore. Especially with your introduction you manage to give a proper, and good extended introduction, which I really call an effort.



Marie was a little highlight in this chapter, because she tried so hard to improve after the teacher talked to her. I thought that was already a good point for improvement and also it shows in strength of character and development. That's a point you have to see especially in a novella where the character changes, be it through a change in character - mostly towards the good (of course it goes the other way too). Over the course of the story, I had the impression that Marie went from being a model student to a bit of a problem and then used her new abilities to get back on top.



In the chapter itself, I didn't notice much that stood out. Another highlight was the solution with the mobile phone and I have to say that it was a great idea (what song did Marie mean?) but probably wouldn't work out so well in our world. I wouldn't give my mobile phone away so easily. But I like the original idea and this approach and again shows that Marie likes to think out of the box and comes up with new and interesting, maybe a bit questionable ideas.

Other points that stood out to me:

Finally, she(dance teacher) spoke,

There was a power cut!it put

This is a great chapter - you've crafted a great piece of writing with good themes, imagery, characterisation and dialogue that really resonates with the scene that you're trying to picture here. As I've mentioned in previous chapter reviews, some of your character interaction and dialogue have been quite blocky, but here you balance it out really well with thoughts, building imagery of how the character speaks, and setting the scene. Your potential as a writer is growing further and further, so well done and please keep writing -

This is a nice way to end the chapter, with the moral of not giving up hope.

When you said that Marie danced for the first time and that school didn't have any concerts, I think that what would be more appropriate is if you said that her old school didn't have any concerts.
'Marie, finding the second one easier moved out.'
Referencing moving out as the 'second one' suggests that an option was in the above line. There was an option in the above line, however without making that clear, it wouldn't be very applicable. If her teacher had instead said: you have two options: do it seriously or move out', it would apply because then the audience knows that by second one, you mean the second option. However left on its own, its better to say: Marie, finding the second option easier, moved out. This would make it clear about what Marie had in mind.
“see. That girl. She didn’t even try to do.”
Could it be: See, that girl didn't even try to dance.
'Marie replied as she understood it was told to her'
Could be changed to: 'Marie replied as she overheard the dance teacher speaking'
'She did it but not that good.'- she tried but not very well?
'Then, she was riding her bicycle'- whilst the rest of the students were preparing for the show, Marie was frantically pedalling her bike down the ... road.
'She tried hard but it was not coming out'
Could you explain that its the dust particle that she's trying to get out of her eye through motions and actions. Did she rub her eye?
'it put water on all the wishes and hopes of Marley.' could you say this in another way?
“Telling. Now, follow me.”- I'll show you, follow me?

This an awesome way to end the story, could you describe how they looked on stage, some imagery? Were they graceful? I think that figurative speech would really work well here.

I hope to read some more of your novels.

Enjoyed reading this

Hey Alice is here to give a review!

Well, we are seeing the whole school drama first the examination second the poem competition and now the event, it was fun to read all the chapters. I am excited what comes next.

SUGGESTIONS

“A dust particle has entered in my eye. Please help me.”

"I've got something in my eye. Please help me"

"A dust particle has gone into my eye. Please help me"

“see. That girl. She didn’t even try to do.”

then go back. Show them that you can do.”

“I heard it- what you told to the dance teacher.

“No. not that. I have an idea.”

There was a power cut!it put water on all the wishes and hopes of Marley.