Dear Father,
We came back in a full circle, haven’t we?
Me, on the window sill,
Picking at invisible spots on the glass.
You, by the fire, contemplating what could’ve been,
For me.
Unveiling the true face of resentment, beneath
A plastered smile, a lie whose eyes to see through it can only be mine.
Encouraging? No, more like a vengeful expecting.
You expect me to succumb to your desires,
A pawn in a game that only you can decide the outcome to.
I am a pet for you to train,
A treat for every deed I get right,
A punishment for what I do wrong.
I always think about your furrowed brows and grit teeth.
The menacing voice of someone who isn’t human,
Calling playfully for my name.
Each lash sent me to a world
Where I couldn’t feel a piece of myself being shattered every time.
You really take your time.
Again and again, reminding me of who I am to you,
Again and again and again.
While I return to this world, against that window,
I think of how my heart once ached of guilt.
For being delivered as an unwanted gift,
For killing the maker who couldn’t even see this gift’s beauty.
Now, it feels empty.
Empty of the love from a mother I hadn’t met,
Empty of the love from a father who couldn’t forget.
You thought that I would keep feeling guilty?
Well, not anymore.
...
Dear Father,
A dawn of what I thought would bring new possibilities breaks through.
But now, I only see the still-darkened landscapes beneath.
I’m sorry that you couldn’t see past your own pains.
I’m sorry that you couldn’t have faith
In seeing what could’ve lied ahead
For the both of us.
I’m sorry for making you try so hard
To carve me into one of those hidden spots on the glass
That barely needs to be glanced at.
Let me wipe it away for you.
With the glass window opened
For me to finally see clearly through,
These are my last words to you.
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This poem really paints a great picture, and the first lines definitely caught my attention.
Here are a few technical things:
"You, by the fire, contemplating what could’ve been,
For me."
The comma after "been" is unnecessary.
"Unveiling the true face of resentment, beneath
A plastered smile, a lie whose eyes to see through it can only be mine."
I would edit the breakup of this sentence so you are not ending the first line on "beneath".
"Each lash sent me to a world
Where I couldn’t feel a piece of myself being shattered every time.
You really take your time."
The tense of these lines is inconsistent.
"Now, it feels empty."
I would restate what "it" is instead of saying "it".
"I’m sorry for making you try so hard
To carve me into one of those hidden spots on the glass
That barely needs to be glanced at."
I recommend adding commas to this sentence.
this is an amazing piece about what I assume to be an abusive relationship.
as always my critiques are only to help you improve.
never stop writing
~corvus
Thank you for the awesome review!
Hi @FabihaNeera I am here to do a quick review on your poem. So lets get strait into it shell we. So I really like how you started this poem of.
So it just feels like they both have been through some difficult times. And its kind of lucky to be were they are now. Well that its the feeling that I am getting around these lines.
But to say the most I love the hole poem. You have put a lot of images and detale and feelings into it I feel.
So that is all that I can say. So keep up the good poem writing. I look forward to haring more from you. You did a great job I loved this poem.
@EagleFly Out To Seek And Kill
Thank you!
Welcomed.