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Once The World Was Perfect

by FabihaNeera


Once the world was perfect, 

A gift sent down from above.

Giving life to what was not living,

Our only home in darkness unforgiving,

And yet, the sounds of a fading dove

Show what humanity could not protect.

Have we not encouraged Greed?

Fed it through wide consumption?

Songs of our world that used to be heard,

Are now like trapped, desperate words

Trying to warn us of our assumption

That everything would be okay,

But our light, the world, slowly recedes.

It feels as if humanity had lost its direction,

Not understanding what was done wrong,

Continuing to live within lies

Until the truth makes us realize,

The only hope left to keep our world strong

Are those who first led it to its destruction.

Errors cannot be reversed but can be corrected.

If only we could let our hearts be connected

To cup the world in our firm hands,

As if shielding the oceans, air and lands

From remembering the pleas we had neglected

And strive to make them again feel protected.

Our world was once perfect, but all hope is not lost,

Beneath dying blades of grass sprout ones anew.

If we are destined for darkness, destroying the Earth,

Can humanity not present its worth?

By joining billions of hands, if only we knew,

To light the Earth once again is the ultimate cost.


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1021 Reviews


Points: 28695
Reviews: 1021

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Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:05 pm
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JabberHut wrote a review...



Hey, friend!

So you had some STELLAR moments in this piece that give me the wiggles of delight. It's a beautiful piece, and I hope it works out in your favor wherever you use this because it's lovely and I love it and you're lovely for having written this lovely piece. It's lovely.

Honestly, I think your weakest points (if you can call them weak) are your beginning and end. The middle just gets so goosebumpy for me, I love it. You have these powerful lines using the rhymes to emphasize these moments. It's incredibly effective and good proof that you can write an effective poem while still using rhymes sparingly.

The starting couplet is fantastic. I love that it starts out with this once-perfect world. In fact, I love how it starts here and eventually leads into how it's no longer that way. Let's see if I remember how to do this...

Once the world was perfect, 
A gift sent down from above.
Giving life to what was not living,
Surrounded by darkness, all unforgiving,
And yet, the sounds of a fading dove
Show what humanity could not protect.


I do! Okay, so I LOVE the bold part. I would love if you can still make this work. I just love it. It's a beautiful reference to Noah's Ark that ties into the peace yet dangers of humanity. The couple of lines before it, however, made it sound like this darkness was part of the perfect world the intro lines were talking about. The gift that was sent from above gave life to what was not living--oh wait, was the "not living" things surrounded by darkness? So maybe the gift sent from above was saving the unforgiven from darkness? Now that I think about it, that's probably what it's trying to talk about. Perhaps the comma overload is what threw me off, and I'd recommend dashes/parentheses or simply rewording it a smidge.

The only hope left to keep our world strong
Are those who first led it to its destruction.


Love this and everything that follows. This is where you captured my heart.

If we are destined for darkness, destroying the Earth,
Can humanity not present its worth?
By joining billions of hands, if only we knew,
To light the Earth once again is the ultimate cost.


I so badly want to like this, but I think I'm just ultimately confused and need to talk this one out, see if I'm getting it right. Lighting the earth once again is what humanity is worth. Lighting the earth once again is the cost of humanity. By joining together, humanity is responsible to heal or save the earth from its path of destruction. Therefore to live on this earth, the price is the responsibility to take care of it. Okay! Okay, I like it more now. I had to think that one through. XD I fumbled over what the "ultimate cost" was for, like what am I buying here?

But I like it now that I thought about it! (I'm rambling now. I just had my coffee while reading/writing this.) So I really love this piece. I absolutely do. I stand by my points on the intro, and tweaking the ending might do it some justice if you can make it work. If not, it's fine. Like I said, I probably just wasn't awake enough to figure it out.

Beautiful piece! I cannot praise this enough. I can tell you put in a lot of effort here. It's turning out to be a fantastic piece worthy of some pride. Well done.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




FabihaNeera says...


Thank you so much for the awesome review! You actually understood every line that I thought might be confusing... especially the "dove" and the "ultimate cost". You are a thorough reviewer! :)



FabihaNeera says...


And Also, for the "Surrounded by darkness, all unforgiving" line, I wanted it to mean that the world gives us life, while all around it is the darkness of space where no other life could exist. I don't really know how else to make it clear...



JabberHut says...


Ooh, I see! I think the issue then lies with the fact that the entire intro doesn't refer to any sort of darkness because it's busy praising the once-perfect world and the beautiful life it holds. That darkness line might simply be out of place. It's not until the dove live after it that the piece segues into the troubles the same world faces (refer to the word "yet" which transitions from the peaceful side of the coin to the dangerous side). Perhaps that line just comes a bit prematurely?



FabihaNeera says...


Ah, I see... thank you :)
I'll see how I can fix it.



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119 Reviews


Points: 57
Reviews: 119

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Wed Apr 17, 2019 10:51 am
Horisun wrote a review...



This is a really great poem! I really enjoyed it.
I think the lyrics do not need to be changed, because they're really good as they are, however, I noticed an inconsistency. You occasionally forget to add punctuation at the end of the line. Also, another grammar thing, you need to add comas before buts. It will flow better that way, I think.
Overall, awesome poem. I place my bets on this one getting a literary spotlight! :D




FabihaNeera says...


Thank you for having such high thoughts on this! And thanks for the feedback :)



Horisun says...


You're welcome!



Horisun says...


I told you it get on the literary spotlight! :D



FabihaNeera says...


lol you were right!



Horisun says...


I always am... (cue ominous music)



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Points: 200
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Wed Apr 17, 2019 2:17 am
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Wolfe says...



It sounds really good!




FabihaNeera says...


Thanks! :D




The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed...
— Charlotte Bronte