Young Writers Society

Hey, friend!

So you had some STELLAR moments in this piece that give me the wiggles of delight. It's a beautiful piece, and I hope it works out in your favor wherever you use this because it's lovely and I love it and you're lovely for having written this lovely piece. It's lovely.

Honestly, I think your weakest points (if you can call them weak) are your beginning and end. The middle just gets so goosebumpy for me, I love it. You have these powerful lines using the rhymes to emphasize these moments. It's incredibly effective and good proof that you can write an effective poem while still using rhymes sparingly.

The starting couplet is fantastic. I love that it starts out with this once-perfect world. In fact, I love how it starts here and eventually leads into how it's no longer that way. Let's see if I remember how to do this...

Once the world was perfect, 
A gift sent down from above.
Giving life to what was not living,
Surrounded by darkness, all unforgiving,
And yet, the sounds of a fading dove
Show what humanity could not protect.

I do! Okay, so I LOVE the bold part. I would love if you can still make this work. I just love it. It's a beautiful reference to Noah's Ark that ties into the peace yet dangers of humanity. The couple of lines before it, however, made it sound like this darkness was part of the perfect world the intro lines were talking about. The gift that was sent from above gave life to what was not living--oh wait, was the "not living" things surrounded by darkness? So maybe the gift sent from above was saving the unforgiven from darkness? Now that I think about it, that's probably what it's trying to talk about. Perhaps the comma overload is what threw me off, and I'd recommend dashes/parentheses or simply rewording it a smidge.

The only hope left to keep our world strong
Are those who first led it to its destruction.

Love this and everything that follows. This is where you captured my heart.

If we are destined for darkness, destroying the Earth,
Can humanity not present its worth?
By joining billions of hands, if only we knew,
To light the Earth once again is the ultimate cost.

I so badly want to like this, but I think I'm just ultimately confused and need to talk this one out, see if I'm getting it right. Lighting the earth once again is what humanity is worth. Lighting the earth once again is the cost of humanity. By joining together, humanity is responsible to heal or save the earth from its path of destruction. Therefore to live on this earth, the price is the responsibility to take care of it. Okay! Okay, I like it more now. I had to think that one through. XD I fumbled over what the "ultimate cost" was for, like what am I buying here?

But I like it now that I thought about it! (I'm rambling now. I just had my coffee while reading/writing this.) So I really love this piece. I absolutely do. I stand by my points on the intro, and tweaking the ending might do it some justice if you can make it work. If not, it's fine. Like I said, I probably just wasn't awake enough to figure it out.

Beautiful piece! I cannot praise this enough. I can tell you put in a lot of effort here. It's turning out to be a fantastic piece worthy of some pride. Well done.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!