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When the sun rises

by FabihaNeera


When the sun rises,

We won’t know

Of the day’s unknown surprises.

Which path will be paved?

And what desires will be engraved?

...

Our journey through the depths consists

Of what is only made by us.

Twisting through the twists

Of our ever changing fates,

Until we reach the end that awaits.

...

Though, do not be unswayed,

As endless possibilities lie ahead of you.

And do not be easily delayed,

As even the light a candle brings about

Will soon begin to flicker out.

...

So take up what you may

To find what drives you to that end.

And before you waste away,

Remember, time’s what we can not keep

For the sun rises as soon as it sleeps.


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Points: 34
Reviews: 4

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Sun May 12, 2019 1:41 pm
AS04 wrote a review...



Hi, @FabihaNeera, I just wanted to say that I love your poem and the message that you try to get across to the reader. The way I understand it, you are saying that life is unpredictable and you have to keep trying even when there are obstacles blocking your way. I agree with that message and I think that is really inspirational. I also love the rhyming pattern that you use in this poem. It really stood out to me as I also like to use rhyme in my poems. I especially enjoyed stanza 3: Though, do not be unswayed,

As endless possibilities lie ahead of you.

And do not be easily delayed,

As even the light a candle brings about

Will soon begin to flicker out.
You did a great job of creating imagery with the lines about the candle and I can tell that you put a lot of thought into it.




FabihaNeera says...


Thank you :)



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130 Reviews


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Mon Apr 29, 2019 2:46 pm
Anma says...



Cool! Like it!




FabihaNeera says...


Thanks!



Anma says...


Lol, You can thank my sister for that. She got a hold of my phone and starting reveiwing. SISTERS>>>>>>



FabihaNeera says...


oh I see Lol %uD83D%uDE02



Anma says...


Ya.. Lol



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Mon Apr 29, 2019 11:52 am
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

You have such a strong piece here. It's such a good theme, and you express that uncertainty of tomorrow so well while maintaining a voice of courage facing the day ahead. It's an uplifting piece, and you don't see those often enough. I enjoyed it!

There are so many strong lines in this poem, I don't know if I can point them all out without padding my review. I really like how you started this, jumping right into the theme like a life coach. I love how the end ties back to the beginning with the sun rising for a new day. It just wraps that all up so nicely.

Though, do not be unswayed,
As endless possibilities lie ahead of you.


Is "unswayed" the word we want here? To be swayed means they're convinced to change their opinion, right, so if they're being unswayed, they're not even thinking about questioning themselves and their own decisions. Unless the point is to consider all the possibilities and keep choosing one? I don't know, I feel like "swayed" should be the word here, as in "do not be swayed."

And before you waste away,
Remember, Time’s what we can not keep
For the sun rises as soon as it sleeps.


I super love this couplet. I really love this couplet. I don't know what to say, however, and I don't even know if I will make much sense explaining, but the second line here has such weird wording to me compared to the rest of the piece. I don't have suggestions though 'cause I don't really know what to do about it, but I've read this part several times and I can't seem to ease my heart about that line. I guess play with the wording here and see if anything sounds better. I think it's the contraction in "Time's" that's just really throwing me off.

Speaking of, though! I don't know if "time" being capitalized is intentional, but I almost hope that, if it is meant to be referred to as a proper noun, that it was alluded to earlier as well. Some sort of foreshadowing or something to tie that kind of detail with the rest of the piece. The poem never refers to time as a person, it only ever talked about the sun rising and goes into a speech about owning the day, so the person they're talking to becomes the subject. Time was never a subject until this point. I think that's just food for thought though, take it with a grain of salt. I chewed on this line for a super long time. XD

I really love your style. I've read your pieces before, and I'm still just in love with how well you handle rhymes and use them so effectively in your work. The imagery here is very effective; you handled he image of the dawning sun so beautifully here.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




FabihaNeera says...


Thank you so much! I will consider all the feedback :)



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Mon Apr 29, 2019 5:47 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoneix here with a review for you, I'll try and make this short, and do my bets to get this out the green room for you.

Okay let's begin.

So let me just start by saying, I'm just loving what you have here. It was a really good idea for a poem. But I'll get to that in a moment. I feel like it's a little of, it feels a little sped up, but your punctuation is great, but there is another thing you can do to help with the flow of the poem. You can make brakes between some of your lines, like at one moment you will be talking about how your down, and the next you will say but don't give up. It's almost like putting your poem into paragraphs. I'll try and show you what I mean.


And what desires will be engraved?

Our journey through the depths consists

These two likes need a break between them. It will help the reader with the flow. Now YWS has a little trouble letting you make bubble spaces, so what I do is this.

And what desires will be engraved?
...
Our journey through the depths consists

But put three dots between the lines if you want to space them.

Well that was all I could see, now I want to talk about all the good things I saw in this poem.

Like I said before your punctuation was really good, along with your spelling, I couldn't see anything wrong. The meaning behind the poem was very true, and I think everyone should read this. Wile I was reading this your words just spoke to me, because they are very, very true.
I also got quit a good image in my head as I was reading this, I could see everything happening.
Over all this was just a great poem, and I hope you will make more soon. Because it was a great joy to read, and review for you. I hope you will never stop writing and post more soon. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




FabihaNeera says...


Thank you! I will take your advice about the line breaks :)





I read it, and it sounds so much better! :D
I'm glad I could help.



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Mon Apr 29, 2019 5:24 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey there! Happy NaPo 2019!

So the first thing I noticed is the formatting. Since this was a huge pain for me to figure out, I'm going to pass on what I just today learned about formatting poems here on YWS. It's not bad so feel free to take it or leave it but I'm going to pass it on. Essentially, you have to click on the </> symbol in the publishing center, and then on every line, whether or not there's text, type <br> after whatever you have on the line. More info here: Formating Poetry #2

On to the poem itself! I really, really love this poem. It reminds me of something Anne of Green Gables once said, that, "Tomorrow doesn't have any mistakes in it. Yet." It captures the endless possibilities that lie before us at each new day. Very exciting, full of wonder and awe at the ways that the day might turn out. Beautiful sentiment to capture in poetry.

The rhymes are great, but I will say that your meter shifts a ton. All of the meters that you use sound good, but it changes too frequently, and breaks up the flow of the poem. I would recommend choosing whichever meter you think works best for the piece, and then adjust your other lines to fit that meter. That way, the poem will be more cohesive throughout.

I noticed in the second to last verse that you had the word time capitalized. Are you referring to Time as a person, or was this a typo? I can see it being either way.

I might consider changing this line here: "As even the light a candle brings about" to "As even the light the candle brings about." Changing the "a" to a "the" makes it sound more specific and stronger as a line.

Overall, very well done!

Toboldlygo




FabihaNeera says...


Thank you! I also get really confused for why the formatting never works out when I'm trying to break the poem into stanzas... but thanks for letting me know! I learned some HTML coding so I can finally put that to use, lol. And thanks for the feedback! I'm not great at paying attention to meter but I will keep this is mind :)




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