A
lone
girl stands,
open and vulnerable
under the vast night sky, tilting
her face up towards the Heavens. "Haven't
I endured enough?" The winds echo her whisper, though
only she can hear it intensifying with every breath taken. A gray blankets
over what was once clear, like the darkness casting shadows within her. She is
an empty vial, waiting to be filled with hope that will only last so long. Wishing
away the overbearing pain, sparkling teardrops trickle down from above,
filling her up, up, up until a thin stream flows from the sides. A
lone girl stands, open and drenched, not knowing
whether the droplets upon each cheek
belonged to her.
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140,075 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello! What can I say? Just wow... such a beautiful composition.
I enjoyed the layout of the poem, it's intriguing but not difficult to follow. Every word is placed with extreme care, every verse is full of depth.
" (a) ...lone girl stands, open and drenched, not knowing
whether the droplets upon each cheek
belonged to her."
Brilliant end to a brilliant poem.
You are very talented
Thank you so much!
Myers here. Let's agree to disagree, shall we?
I don't have much to review here, but I must say that it actually created that scene in my mind. It feels amazing.
It feels more like a story in the current format. I'd try breaking in down into little verses and see how it goes from there.
Free verse poetry can go anywhere the poet wants it to, so it will still look a complete work as it is.
Thank you!
Hi,
I LOVE when people experiment with structure. This interesting drop structure is so strong and immediately brings people into the poem. I love the word vial, it's such an interesting word, and describing yourself as a vial is such a compelling and interesting comparison. It leaves such an eerie feeling, that instead of being filled with hope that she was hoping for, she was actually filled with the opposite. I like the idea of owning the tears on your your cheek. I think it would produce a cool effect if you elaborate on the idea of rain instead of that overlapping cloud. or the fact the the tears are the rain from that cloud.
Awesome,
(sorry I reposted I didn't post as a review)
k u m a
Thank you!!
Hi,
I LOVE when people experiment with structure. This interesting drop structure is so strong and immediately brings people into the poem. I love the word vial, it's such an interesting word, and describing yourself as a vial is such a compelling and interesting comparison. It leaves such an eerie feeling, that instead of being filled with hope that she was hoping for, she was actually filled with the opposite. I like the idea of owning the tears on your your cheek. I think it would produce a cool effect if you elaborate on the idea of rain instead of that overlapping cloud. or the fact the the tears are the rain from that cloud.
Awesome,
k u m a
It's one of the best poems I've ever read. The flow of the language is elegant and the structure is beautiful.
How did you get this idea? It'd be a little better if you would try to make it longer but still you deserve applause for it.
Thanks for the review! Much appreciated
I actually write a shorter version for this a while back and decided to add more detail for this one. Welcome to YWS too by the way!
Whoa. Just Whoa. This is great! Like seriously great! I love the structure, the words, the imagery, the everything! It's wonderful. Just plain wonderful. *stares in awe* that's very cool. This deserves a like.
There, I clicked like! You deserved it, fren. You've got a talent like 50% of the people I know. Lol. Good job!
Thank you for the kind words!!
No probs.
Hi, first of all, I'm sure you're getting this a lot but I love how it's shaped like a teardrop. It's so very creative and I love poetry that's shaped. The poem itself is so freaking good. I love your use of repetition with the beginning and the end. Restating "a lone girl stands" and then changing it is such a cool thing. Especially since it completes the raindrop shape. Your imagery is so good too. The metaphor of "She is an empty vial, waiting to be filled with hope that will only last so long." is probably my favorite part. I only have one actual qualm and it's blankets. If you meant blanket is, then I would suggest adding an apostrophe to make that clear. But other than that, that was an excellent piece! I can't wait to see what else you'll publish!
Thank you!!
Hey there, Lee's here for a review!
Starting off, I LOVE how you've have made the entire poem structure shaped like one droplet. It's awesome!
I could not completely understand the poem. Then I felt like it was about unrequited love, but it felt very cliché. So right now, I think it is about a girl who lost everything, and faces yet another loss, but is not spared from it.
This poem actually reminds me of the Throne of Glass series's main protagonist; she faces storms of pain and loss, and is faced with an immense one once again. Then again, just my rambling thoughts.
The only thing I DIDN'T like was the line,
"A gray blankets
over what was once clear, like the darkness casting shadows within her. "
It just feels really cliché. That's all, though I wish you had written something a little more imaginative instead of that one line.
Otherwise, I loved the poem! I enjoyed the ballad-like way of presenting it, and the words you used are apt and well suited to the poem. Well done!
I'm sorry if my review was in any way critical. I meant nothing by it.
See you around!!!
Thanks so much for your feedback! And it's okay for being critical.. . that's the point of a review after all
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here to give you a review on this lovely day, and to help gt your work out the green room.
I'll try and make this short.
Okay let's start with what I saw that can be fixed
This sentence has one small thing that needs to be fixed.
You see the three words in bold, well you see when you say three words in a row that are the same you normally but some commas between them, you you will need two commas between your ups.
Well that was all that I could see out of the whole poem that needs to be fixed.
Now I want to talk about the things I liked about it.
Normally a poem would rime, but I don't always make my poems rime, so it all cool seeing someone else not make their poem rime. So this was like a really small story in like poetry format. The emotion was there, and it was quit strong, and made your reads feel what you were at the time, so great job. I also really liked the words you chose for it, it just help express the feelings in this poem better. So that was also really well done.
Now the thing I liked about it most was the way you wrote this poem, in a tear drop shape, I thought it was very well done, and fun to read. I do hope you will write more poems like this soon.
I loved everything about your poem, and I just loved having the chance to review and read it, Never stop writing and I hope you will post more amazing works out on YWS soon. Have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
Thank you for the review!
You're welcome.