I can’t sleep.
I’m tired of facing every night
With these monsters surrounding me.
But I can’t escape.
Chains encircle my wrists,
Holding me back from reaching
The only light that could ever rid of this darkness.
No… I don’t want to look,
But the monsters are forcing me to suffer through it again.
---
I see her face,
Alight with the wonder and naivety of a little girl.
“Will you be with me forever, daddy?”
“Of course I will, my little princess.”
I can’t hear my own panicked breaths
With these words being whispered incessantly around me.
Why did I say that?
Why did I think I would be strong enough
To keep her safe?
Why couldn’t I see her wandering off onto that road in time?
---
“Of course I will, my little princess...”
No, she’s not real.
It’s a lie, don’t fall for it.
Her voice begins to fade,
And the wall of my resolve crumbles to dust.
The constant pull of my shackles is now nonexistent.
Go on now, you can save her, the monsters taunt.
But I can’t hear their lie.
I can only push forward, reaching for that light.
One arm breaks through the barrier,
And I reach... for just a small touch of her,
And I hear a patient laugh behind me,
And the memory flows out between my fingers like water.
They are so cruel.
The chains slither back onto my wrists,
Chains of my shame.
The monsters ridicule me
In thinking I could do it this time.
My monsters.
I know I can’t save her, yet I know I will be tricked again.
I will never escape, I will never sleep.
This is just an endless nightmare that will forever haunt me.
Hello,
Here with you for a short review. This poem is very realistic and brings out many emotions and feelings. Its so raw and meaningful and the words and sentences flow together very well. There's not much I have seen that can be edited. I really loved reading it and I hope to see more. Thanks for writing.
Hello, Eagle here with a small review for you.
I really like what you have here, it's a really well written poem, it flows really well, and the words blend together like a story. Which I think it was like a story like @FlamingPhoenix said. It was done really well. And I was hooked from the very beginning.
I don't think your lines were to long, they were just long enough, that it didn't sound drawn out.
The length of the poem, was also a perfect length. Everything was done really well, and I loved very second of it. It was like a little wold you had created that you were allowing me to enter. There was a slight bit of description in this poem to.
Over all this was really well done, and I loved reading it.
Never stop writing.
@EagleFly out to seek and kill.
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on your lovely poem, on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room for you.
Okay let's start.
I am happy to say I didn't see anything wrong with your work. Everything was really well written, but I'll get into that more in a little while.
When I saw the name you had picked for your poem, to be honest I had no idea what it meant, and that got me interested, and thinking of what your work could be about. So I new I had to come read your work.
I really like the story behind your work, it had a really good beginning, that got the reader into the story, and keeps them reading, and your ending told us that the story is over. So over all it is really good. So from what I could tell from what you were telling us in the poem, is that this man lost his daughter, and this is a nightmare that his mind had formed in regret, or it could be a fear of his. But that was what I got from the poem.
Your punctuation is really good, and I'm glad you put your poem into three parts, it helped with the flow quit a lot. Your spelling was also really good, couldn't see anything wrong there.
Over all this was a really well written poem, and I'm glad I had the chance to read and review it. I hope I will have another chance when ever you post again on YWS. Never stop writing and have a great day or night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.
The concept of this poem is very interesting and new. I’m not sure if this character is experiencing this dream because of an event that actually occurred or just a nightmare, but either way, the story was powerful.
I really like the way you personified the monsters and your use of metaphor really added to the emotion. The writing was great, and I loved the way that you used italics and bold.
My only suggestion would be to elude to the dream a little more in the first stanza, as the introduction of the daughter seemed a little abrupt.
Overall, amazing work, and I commend your originality in choosing this topic. Keep writing!
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