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Young Writers Society



A Janitor's Adventure: 6.3

by ExOmelas


Even upside-down and twisting side to side as the little craft went through its evasion gymnastics, Janny could tell that the icons of the TIPO ships were getting closer. He twisted his eyes around as far as they could go and kept his view roughly upright. The dot on the left was probably closest - he was pretty sure that was the left, though there seemed to be a different number of crafts nearby every time his eyes focused.

“Interface,” he croaked, as the craft shunted violently to the right, “I don’t suppose there’s anything to be done about this?”

“Would you like to hear tactical advice?” the interface asked, calmly and reasonably, as if the left side of his form wasn’t still pinging over after the craft’s sudden movement.

“Yes, please,” Janny said, holding his breath as the craft flipped back around the right way.

“TIPO stealth crafts are particularly inept at downward travel,” the interface said.

“Is this craft particularly adept at downward travel?” Janny asked, raising his eyebrows upwards, at least he hoped that was upwards.

“No,” the interface replied. “Would you like to proceed.”

Janny sighed as the red dot on the left passed into the graph square next to him. There was no window on the left so he couldn’t see, but he reckoned that couldn’t be more than about fifty metres away.

“Go for it, I guess.” Janny sighed, closed his eyes and waited for his stomach to drop away as they plummeted downwards.

But they didn’t. It occurred to Janny as he opened his eyes that the lack of gravity might alleviate that knot in the stomach, but he didn’t feel anything at all. The craft wasn’t flipping or corkscrewing, and the gentle vibration of the engine had stopped too.

“Interface: what is happening?”

There was no answer.

The five red dots closed in around him, all within the same square as him. Janny held his breath and desperately waited for help from the interface, but none came. It was just him, five TIPO ships, and silence.

“H-Hello?” he called out. There had to be a communication link somewhere, for him to have had that conversation with Lestili, but if the interface wasn’t online… How am I supposed to activate it?

“Lestili? What the crack are you doing?” snapped a voice, a much louder, much more crackly voice than the interface.

“I… I’m not…” Janny’s throat was tight and his brain felt empty. He tried to remember words - any words - and there was just a black, empty space before his vision. Except for flashbacks to mandatory choral performances at lower school, his mind was blank.

“Oh come on, Lest, just open your communication link and talk to us. Right. Whatever. You’re paralysed and we’re going to tow you back to Endol. So sit tight and try to think up an explanation for this nonsense,” snapped the crackly voice. It was deep and gravelly, and Janny could easily imagine it spitting at the floor after every second word.

The craft started to drift backwards, following the red dots on the screen. Janny put his head in his hands, wondering if the rest of this TIPO unit also had a nice place for him to stay while the mess blew over. Presumably they wouldn’t want to get in trouble either, even if it was all Lestili’s fault. Or maybe they’d throw Lestili under the bus, and he’d be stuck in Endol giving evidence or something. Janny realised after a moment that he was talking out loud, but it wasn’t as if it mattered.

“Janny?”

The voice through the speakers was quiet, but Janny still nearly jumped out his seat.

“I didn’t mean to talk out loud!” he cried.

“Dude. Be quiet,” hissed a voice that he realised, with a long breath out, was Lestili.

“Are you going to take me to your nice place?” he asked.

“I was thinking maybe somewhere nicer,” Lestili said. “Look, it’s a long time since I began my career. I was had a video game store, on a high street no less. And I had regulars, who came in when they’d finished a game and needed a new one. It was wonderful to see them showing up sooner and sooner as they got better and better at gaming. Also it meant that I shifted more and more units.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Janny whispered.

“Because it’s a long time since I was leaning against the counter, grinning at a group of kids who’d just completed the world’s most frustrating platformer. I can’t really go back to that…” Lestili paused, and Janny thought he heard her sigh. He watched the screen as his blue dot continued to drift along with the reds. “It’s a long story, but just too much has happened. But one thing that’s happened is I have acquired some much cooler tech than first generation motion controls for the GameMaster.”

Janny gulped as she went quiet again. “What tech? What are you going to do to me?”

“Send you back to where I’d love to be,” she said. “Sorry… just entering… there we go. Right, you ready?”

“No?” Janny frowned, glancing about and wishing again that he could see where the voices came from in this craft.

“Here… we… go!” Lestili shouted.

Janny came to a stop. He stared at the screen, wondering if he’d been transported to a parallel universe where Lestili could exact her revenge. But the only thing had changed was that all the red dots had disappeared. Well, apart from one. Janny kept his lips shut, and thought to himself that he would be a lot of money on who the remaining dot was. He wondered if he could sneak away if he moved now.

“I have two particularly cool pieces of tech I’ve used today,” Lestili said. “One is selective radar evasion.” The red dot slid up beside him and Janny could actually see her through the window. There was still no window in the disc-shaped stealth craft, but what he saw now was that there was a screen on the front transmitting images of the interior. Lestili was grinning at him.

“What’s that?” Janny asked, swallowing a lump in his throat.

“It means that I can’t be seen other than by ships with certain settings. For today, I could be seen by only ships I own, such as the one you’re currently curled up in. I suppose I could also be seen by any craft with a window. But as you can see, TIPO stealth crafts don’t have windows.” Lestili explained, her grin spreading even wider. Janny started to shake. That explained why the number of red dots had increased from four to five.

“Secondly, I have invested in recent weeks in my very own teleportation mechanism, though it is aggressively limited in its use,” she said. She rubbed the back of her neck. “Was saving up charge to get to the next solar system over, but I probably won’t even be able to get back to Endol for another week now. Hope you’re grateful for that.”

“Grateful for what?” Janny exclaimed. “For the last time, what are you going to do to me? I could sell video games if you really want me to but I should probably admit now that I’ve never once played one.”

Lestili smacked her hand into her forehead. “Good starsight, Janny. What can you see in your map view. See, that’s another reason I keep an opaque overlay - quite aside from the absolute affront to the senses that is starlight, it means I never get distracted.”

Janny took a deep breath, ignored Lestili, and said, “Interface: show map view?”

“Reopening interface,” said the interface. “Opening map view. Map view is already open.”

“Oh. Right,” Janny said. He unfocused his eyes from Lestili’s screen and focused instead on the overlay. The blue dot was there, and the red, and a big orange circle was off in the top right. “Interface: what is represented by the orange circle.”

“That is Hub Six,” the interface said. “Would you like to set destination?”

“Oh my Gods!” Janny exclaimed. “You brought me back to the Hub? Do you think the disco will still be going?”

“Knowing the partying that goes down in the Flexie district, it might not be long finished, but it’s just about early morning there,” Lestili said. She smiled, meeting his eyes. “But your ship should be coming in soon.”

Janny’s mouth dropped open and he bounced up and down, not caring that his head was hitting into the ceiling. “That’s fantastic! But… why?”

Lestili’s smile was one-sided now, and she shook her head. “Sorry, now that you know what you’re doing I’ve got to head off. I’m pretty sure my team will have noticed something is amiss by now, so I better go find somewhere less obvious to hide than the local Hub.”

“Oh… okay,” Janny said, “But I can just go?”

“Yes, go,” Lestili said, her smile getting wider again. “Be a janitor.”


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Tue Jul 14, 2020 11:46 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And time for the last two parts.

First Impression: Looks like our janitor might just get back safe from his adventure. But then there is an entire chapter left in this so you never quite know. Aand Lestili somehow got back in time to save him. A little bit convenient there for her to have just the right tools to save the two of them but considering that this isn't a very long novel you can let that slide I guess.

Anyway let's get to it,

“Would you like to hear tactical advice?” the interface asked, calmly and reasonably, as if the left side of his form wasn’t still pinging over after the craft’s sudden movement.


I love this interface so far. Where can I get one?

"Go for it, I guess.” Janny sighed, closed his eyes and waited for his stomach to drop away as they plummeted downwards.


That would have been fun to see if the move was actually executed.

The five red dots closed in around him, all within the same square as him. Janny held his breath and desperately waited for help from the interface, but none came. It was just him, five TIPO ships, and silence.


Fifth dot straight out of nowhere. Very subtle foreshadowing. I like it. A lot.

“Oh come on, Lest, just open your communication link and talk to us. Right. Whatever. You’re paralysed and we’re going to tow you back to Endol. So sit tight and try to think up an explanation for this nonsense,” snapped the crackly voice. It was deep and gravelly, and Janny could easily imagine it spitting at the floor after every second word.


Well a nice cameo by Lestili's squad.

“Because it’s a long time since I was leaning against the counter, grinning at a group of kids who’d just completed the world’s most frustrating platformer. I can’t really go back to that…” Lestili paused, and Janny thought he heard her sigh. He watched the screen as his blue dot continued to drift along with the reds. “It’s a long story, but just too much has happened. But one thing that’s happened is I have acquired some much cooler tech than first generation motion controls for the GameMaster.”


I don't think she actually answered the question there.

“It means that I can’t be seen other than by ships with certain settings. For today, I could be seen by only ships I own, such as the one you’re currently curled up in. I suppose I could also be seen by any craft with a window. But as you can see, TIPO stealth crafts don’t have windows.” Lestili explained, her grin spreading even wider. Janny started to shake. That explained why the number of red dots had increased from four to five.


That is actually some really cool tech right there. This and the whole teleportation mechanism.

“That is Hub Six,” the interface said. “Would you like to set destination?”


Shouldn't that destination already have been set due to his earlier commands.

“Oh… okay,” Janny said, “But I can just go?”

“Yes, go,” Lestili said, her smile getting wider again. “Be a janitor.”


This genuinely brings a smile to your face when you read it which means you have done your job correctly and made us properly invest in Janny.

Aand that's it. I'm not sure if I will be able to finish off Chapter 7 today but I will definitely do at least 7.1

Overall: A really nice rescue sequence. Even if the tech and backstory felt a tad rushed the payoff was amazing and this just felt really good. I sense the plot is coming to and. There's only one chapter left so it has to end for better or for worse. Okay let's see if Janny got replaced or not.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Jan 14, 2020 7:17 pm
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Bisc!


The thought's been kind of in the back of my mind since the interface got brought up, but I'm wondering how specific one has to be when talking to it? It doesn't seem to need clear or concise instructions or wording, and operations as if the person speaking to it was having a conversation with another sentient being? This isn't a complaint or anything, I'm just curious! I still adore the interactions between the interface and Janny <3


the interface asked, calmly and reasonably,


Is there any reason to believe that the interface wouldn't say this in a calm and reasonable manner? If you switched it around to Janny's reaction to it, like "He wished it wouldn't sound as though the left side of his form wasn’t still pinging over after the craft’s sudden movement." Because then you tie in his reaction and feeling towards it, if that makes sense?

“No,” the interface replied. “Would you like to proceed.”


Is that second supposed to be a question?


I'm a little confused about why the interface asked if Janny wanted tactical advice, because simply telling him the craft isn't built for downwards travel isn't tactical advice, it's an observation/fact? I wasn't going to comment on it, but then the interface didn't seem to elaborate on any advice, so I'm confused?


Except for flashbacks to mandatory choral performances at lower school, his mind was blank.


I LOVE this line because it's both conveying Janny's emotional reaction and giving backstory so you know I'm on board with it. Also, a little Janny in a choir <3

snapped the crackly voice.


Using "snapped" twice for the same person like this was a little more distracting than a dialogue tag should be? It's clear enough from context that the voice isn't happy, I don't think you need to use that "snapped" twice.
(also "crack/ly is repeated several times in a short span of prose, just so you're aware)

I was had a video game store, on a high street no less.


She worked at or owned the video game store? I think this was just a little mistype! I'm just wondering which you meant here.


I really like that you gave put some backstory in for Lestili, and I genuinely felt all warm and fuzzy at the end when she brings him right to the Hub and tells him to go be a janitor?? Again, still standing by what I've already said, but you did have a good build up to this scene, and it makes it incredibly rewarding. I really love that she eventually came around for him and brought him back so he could go home.

ahh!! I really enjoyed this chapter <333


Anyway, I think that's all I have for you today! Keep up the good work!

I hope you have a fantastic day :)




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Mon Sep 30, 2019 12:59 am
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Bisc, here for this chapter!

So, I'm not clear on just what Janny might be saying here, "Janny realised after a moment that he was talking out loud, but it wasn’t as if it mattered."


I'm really not clear on why Lestili sent Janny to this place - like why it benefits her, or the train of logic there, so that's a little difficult to follow, but maybe Lestili is purposely not answering that.

And then another confusion, is at one point it seemed like Janny lost connection with the interface, and it wasn't clear why that was so, and then when they just started talking to the interface again like it hadn't just been malfunctioning I was suprised, so I think I'm missing some of that background logic too.

This chapter was a more difficult one for me to follow, but I do think that you're doing really well on keeping the characters distinct in how they act and in their dialogue too.

best,

alliyah




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Mon Sep 30, 2019 12:51 am
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tgirly wrote a review...



You don't need quite so many dialogue tags, especially considering there are only two characters present at the moment.

“I… I’m not…” Janny’s throat was tight and his brain felt empty. He tried to remember words - any words - and there was just a black, empty space before his vision. Except for flashbacks to mandatory choral performances at lower school, his mind was blank.
This is a great moment. It feels realistic and on-character.

“I was thinking maybe somewhere nicer,” Lestili said. “Look, it’s a long time since I began my career. I was had a video game store, on a high street no less. And I had regulars, who came in when they’d finished a game and needed a new one. It was wonderful to see them showing up sooner and sooner as they got better and better at gaming. Also it meant that I shifted more and more units.”
I appreciate the parallelism here: Lesitili began with a more commonplace job, just like Janny. It hints that Janny could end up with the confidence and comfortableness that Lestili currently possesses.

Okay, so Lestili teleported Janny's ship to the hub, right? I'm pretty sure that's what happened. But I like that Janny's going to get a chance to return to his old life, and I bet he's not going to do that, but is going to help Lestili instead. It'll be a good way to measure how far in his character arc he's gotten so far.

Great work!





trust your heart if the seas catch fire (and live by love though the stars walk backward)
— E.E. Cummings