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139,463 Literary Works • 672,569 Reviews
Hey there =]. Okay, so I think you have great rhythm, I even clapped it out slow and I think I only found one teensy part that didnt flow perfectly well. The personification is fantastic, I mean... it really makes me want to write a poem about a talking toaster or something. Haha =]] But it was flawlessly good and to take personification to such an extreme and do Well with it without making it ridiculous, is sometimes a tough challenge. But you aced it =] Nicely done.
OK, great poem you got here. I just have to say a few things about it. First, don't cdenter it. Put it to the side like the copied one I have below. OK, now I'll tell you some things I liked and didn't like. Green is good, red means that part needs editing. Blue is my comments about it.
The Storm prowls over the horizon, Prowls is an animal word. Since you are making the storm metaphorically into a person, use a person word to start off the poem.
Surly, drunk with his furious power.
He grumbles in derision at the Earth,
Expecting all inhabitants to cower.
I stand in his destructive warpath,
Fully aware of his ragin advance.
I watch as his lightning is hurl'ed down, Is there an apostraphe in this? I'm not sure it belongs there, unless I am just don't know it.
Each bolt a thunderous lance.
In fury he looses his hails of rain,
Countless numbers, hammering down.
But I laugh, running in their midst,
Scorning his attempt to make me drown. I like this part. Don't know why, but it just seems to flow and I can picture it clearly in my mind.
The Storm angers and with gusts of wind
Displays his power by making trees bend.
But I scream manic defiance at him,
"You'll need much more, to me away send!" OK, I understand you were trying to rhyme here, but "to me away send" just sounds plain weird. Do people really talk like that?
He roars in consternation and indignance
And throws a percussive tantrum,HA HA! I like this part. First, the storm was trying to be all big and strong, but now that he can't he turned into a baby. I like how you belittled him.
But I stand in it, ne'er giving ground. Ok, so you were trying to fit the syllables. But, it's ok to just leave the v in there. It stills wroks, and doesn't sound so weird. Oh, and when I say weird, the only reason it is bad is because it distracts from the over all message of the poem.
Thus he storms or storm off and now I've won. I can't decide if I love or hate this part. I guess it depends on what you meant by it. If you said "storms" to picture the storm running off and sotrming alongthe way, them I like it. But if you said it just to be running away, then take it out and use a different word. You are talking about a storm, here.
OK, that's all. Sorry if I seem a little harsh, but I only want to help. I really liked the concept behind. Also, all I said about it was to make it seem like this day and age. If you meant to have it seem old-timey, Go ahead and ignore %90 of my comments. Let me know if you fiz it up and have the updated version for me to read. I would love it!
Bye!
-Cammie
I thought it was great, you could also count it in with narrative poetry if you wanted too. I loved you personification of the storm and all of the imagery. The only thing I can think to mention was the sentence " to me away send". It doesn't make sense gramatically but I understand that you were trying to rhyme. Just maybe rethink that sentence. Beautiful poem though : )
Hello nice poem, I just have to comment on this piece as I have been part of the cast of the Tempest "Shakespeare" and was one of the spirits who start the storm. Nice writing, I like the personification you gave it and the adjectives are not too forced. Overall I liked it
... haloa
Just thought I'd let you know that I enjoyed this piece! It was well put together and had a nice, smooth yet exciting flow to it. The only thing I saw was...
I think you missed a 'g' at the end of 'ragin'. Should be 'raging', I think. But maybe it was purposeful.
Anyway, I liked your poem! Good work!
<..> Kat
This is awesome! As Daisuki said, the personification was excellent! It's clean and tidy on grammar, punctuation, has great flow and rhyme. Nice, nice.
This was so cool! I like the personification of the storm, and how he, 'storms off.' That was really well done. Nice rhythm, nice rhyme. I really enjoyed reading this!
-Dai
This was excellent!
I really liked the idea. Very original. Your writing is flawless. In fact, I can't find anythig to nitpick!
Very cool piece. Keep it up!
~H.