As others wait for the sunrise
I await its fall
And hold my breath for the sleek approach
Of the shades of the night
I give praise to the moon
For its beauty
I praise the stars for their distant watching
And their constant mystery
I walk with the shifting shadows
My friends, companions
They hold me in their presence
And whisper comfort to me
I am not of the world of the sun
Its tyrannical chaos
I am a creature of the night
And I find refuge in its simplicity
So as night falls I lift my hands
To the purple skies
And I wait for the time I truly wake
And live my shadow life.
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139,693 Literary Works • 672,653 Reviews
Fortissimo, I just like red font and this was the second one of mine you'd reviewed. So, no, you're not missing anything. And yes, I've been writing for quite a while... My poetry, anyways.
This is a very cryptic and mysterious poem. I think the language is used very well, and there's a lot of cool stuff here. Now, details then....
I like the beginning a lot. It grabs my attention and makes me want to keep on reading. Very good use of words, and a great beginning to the poem.
I really like this passage too. Very good imagery that's easy to imagine in your head.
Very interesting way to look at the day there, as tyrannical and chaotic. It's cool, unique. Not something you see a whole lot, and set against night simplicity. Good literary comparison!
Great poem overall, I'm glad to have read it. I'm a total stygian owl, so I love the night and this poem, haha. If you ever want a review again, or some advice, I'm only a PM away!
- SOCKS
Feature? I think yes! Anyways:
Described in one word: Lovely(: This is the second poem I have reviewed in the past 10 minutes that has a red font... am I missing something? No spelling errors, in case I forgot to mention, I loved this! You must have written a lot before this, right? Keep up the good work!
~Forti(:
Don't worry, Adox, you're not the first to not understand me. The poem is about me, the speaker, so that is why I used my instead of its. For the first statement, I thought I'd try something out with it. Thanks for the correction.
There were only two stanzas that I found had a mistake in them.
Whisper comfort doesn't really make sense. Maybe changing it to something like, "Comforting me.'
To live it's shadow life? That just seems a bit strange. Maybe you meant something that I'm just not deep enough to catch, but, yeah. Wonderful job.
Thank you much, Etonnan. I'm glad you think so since yours has been featured previously. Also, thank you Kitty15 for the nice long review. It will help, I believe, my future writing.
If this doesnt get featured, Im kicking someone's butt. This is awesome EtCetera!!! The topic is unique, the poem is unique. It is truely brilliant. I love the flow and the word choice. Yu have outdone yourself. Fantastic.
Well hello there, an interesting poem you have here. I like the subject and I like some of your words but I think there's not a strong enough feeling or tone here and there's nothing to make it truly memorable. Here's a few comments and such:
As others wait for the sunrise <<<[What would make this really cool is a re-write in second person. Address the speaker, bring them into it. Give your persona the voice that's going to send shivers down their spine. ]
I await its fall
And hold my breath for the sleek approach
Of the shades of the night <<<[Shades of the night. I think that could be interesting if you were more specific. What shades? Is there a shade just before midnight where the party revellers reach their pinicle and start to dip? A shade where the beggars shiver themself off to their next hidey hole, a shade where the streets are ghostly?]
I walk with the shifting shadows<<<[I quite like this line.]
My friends, companions<<<[You mean the shadows are your friends, yes? Perhaps make that 'who are my friends, companions' just to be slightly clearer.]
They hold me in their presence
And whisper comfort to me
I am not of the world of the sun
Its tyrannical chaos
I am a creature of the night <<<[Try to avoid such a cliche phrase unless you're going to do something interesting with it like turn it on its head or use it in an unusual place.]
And I find refuge in its simplicity
Overall there's some nice language but it could use some more atmosphere and a bit more imagery. There's nothing that really stands out as a firm image, nothing solid. Instead you're relying too much on flowery words and vague descriptions of who the character is and what they feel. It would be better to use your tone to convey that and save the words for some event or focal point in your poetry.
PM me if you have questions, best of luck!
Heather xxx
I love this poem. It gives me a very clear picture in my mind, and what makes it even better is that I have never seen a poem written like this before. This is a completely new idea. It's amazing! Keep writing!!!
Thank you much. Don't worry, as soon as I get enough points to post more stuff, I will. I have about thirty poems finished and fifteen or so in that wierd in between process of being finished or not.
I really loved this ^^ amazing details it paints a very vivid picture in my head. Good luck and I hope you get many helpful reviews. I cannot find any spelling errors to correct or grammar to so good job! Keep up the good work and I can't wait to see more from you soon. I hope to see more of your works!! Happy Writing!!!!
Soulkana<3