Young Writers Society

This is beautiful Whoever you end up with will be lucky to have someone like you I'm sure

I love this. It's short and sweet, yet leaves me with a million different images and ideas in my head. I love how you describe this woman as beautiful. The word "beautiful" seems to be taken for granted by so many men these days; instead, most use words like "hot" and "sexy" and so on. When I think of the word "beautiful" I don't just think of outward beauty, I think of a beautiful soul that shines past outward appearances. While reading this, I felt like you had a grasp on that. I love your comparison between her fiery soul and the stars; it seemed to fit perfectly with this. I think you did a great job on this, especially considering that you wrote it when you were angry. :] Great poem!

Rachael

Just for clarification....
Not bragging, just saying something that is probably true. Did not mean to ruffle any feathers.
The part of the Bible you [Flower~Child] would be looking for is Song of Songs/Solomon [so you were right there], which is probably what I was modeling after, if anything.
I can't quite remember what I was going through at the time, but I really think that I was more angry and frustrated than inspired by beauty. So given the emotions storming through my soul at the time this is what was created. I do agree, though, that it seems to be lacking something now that I read it several months later.
More mature may have been ill-used as a word of choice, now I'm thinking older as in I do have a slightly older time-period style.

I came across your poem after reading another poem and reading you comment on that poem. I wanted to read it because in your comment you bragged of maturity in your writing and I wanted to see for myself if this was so. I think you show more maturity in your writing, but I think there is less feeling in it. When I read the other poem you could really tell that the person meant what they were saying, emotion was pouring out of the poem. It was lacking in description and structure, you aren't lacking this.

One thing I noticed in your poem is the repition of the word beautiful. It almost drags your poem down because there are so many other words you could use to liven it up. We want to imagine what your thinking, what your trying to see, what you want. All your doing in this poem is spouting out descriptions, I didn't feel hardly any emotions in this poem.

One thing that threw me off was when you used the word 'twixt. I think it threw off the flow of the whole poem, it took me awhile to get around that one line. Unlike that I love the next two lines, I think you did a wonderful job with the imagery on that one. I don't like the part about the finest wines, I don't know what it is about it though. It reminds me of Proverbs or maybe song of solomon which puts it in place for me, but I still just don't think it fits.

I really think there is something lacking in this poem. I think you have left us with a missing piece to the puzzle that is your poem. Oh well I hope I helped a little bit, if you need me hollar.

-Flower-

Thank you much. I was actually kind of angry when I wrote this poem, so I'm glad that someone else thinks I can create something beautiful out of anger.

Wonderful job! Very intriguing!

aww thats sweet!