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monsters

by Emivanz1


We were all running. The world had been overcome with these beings. These things were not human, they were blood sucking monsters. They could look like anything, anyone, and that's how they would trick you. They would make themselves look like your mother, sister, brother, best friend, someone you thought you could trust. They would lure you away and then strike. They only had one weakness, rock salt. Sprinkle a small amount on them and they would burn up,But that was the worst part because they would take the faces of your most loved and scream for mercy in your person's voice.

I had gone out to get some salt from the store although i knew it was hopeless, all the salt anywhere was gone. I was nearing my house when I heard screams coming from inside, my mothers screams. I ran into the house only to find her pale lifeless corpse on the floor. There was no blood left. I heard footsteps behind me and in my mothers sweet toned voice I heard, “little darling it doesn't hurt, don't worry.” Without looking I bolted out the door, I couldn't see my beautiful mothers face in that monster. It has been about a week now and I am still running. I had stopped only a few times to scavenge what I could from the lifeless bodies on the street. Sometimes they carried food, water, and only once had I found what I needed, salt. After I had been armed with the most vital weapon, I started to slow down. I found a small shack by the coast and settled down. I lived there for a few weeks until I heard a knock on my door and a small child's voice crying on my porch. I needed to open the door, help this little girl. I opened it a crack and saw her carrying the body of what must have been her baby brother, he was pale and cold but the girl would not let go. I knew that determination, it was the same one I had, I needed to let her in. I told her she could stay with me, but I had to use some of my precious rock salt on her. She agreed and let me sprinkle some on her blood stained dress, as I remembered that the monsters sucked all the blood of their victims was the second that she said, “its sea salt you know, its sea salt that hurts us.”


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14 Reviews


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Tue Apr 06, 2021 3:13 am
WishIHadASword wrote a review...



AHHHH! This was insanely good, my friend! I was intrigued from start to finish, and I love the idea that they can pretend to be something else! The ending was probably my favorite part, you really are good at making a perfect finish! I would highly recommend making a longer version of this if not a full story! Phenomenal work!




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Tue Mar 02, 2021 12:58 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was a really fun short to read. I loved the description there at the front introducing us to the monsters and what had happened and then foreshadowing that fatal mistake with the whole rock salt versus seat salt thing....although to be scientific about things...that would make for a really interesting weakness for these things, they are different but not all that much.

Anyway let's get right to it,

We were all running. The world had been overcome with these beings. These things were not human, they were blood sucking monsters. They could look like anything, anyone, and that's how they would trick you. They would make themselves look like your mother, sister, brother, best friend, someone you thought you could trust. They would lure you away and then strike. They only had one weakness, rock salt. Sprinkle a small amount on them and they would burn up,But that was the worst part because they would take the faces of your most loved and scream for mercy in your person's voice.


Besides being an awesome sounding first paragraph that does the job of grabbing the reader's attention this also sounds like the pitch for a potentially awesome movie. Well...the weakness is a bit among the common items in Earth so you do wonder if these monsters perhaps haven't figured out humanity is a bad place to attack but...oh well...I guess they maybe tried to take out salt supplies or perhaps they aren't intelligent enough to know about any of that.

I had gone out to get some salt from the store although i knew it was hopeless, all the salt anywhere was gone. I was nearing my house when I heard screams coming from inside, my mothers screams. I ran into the house only to find her pale lifeless corpse on the floor. There was no blood left. I heard footsteps behind me and in my mothers sweet toned voice I heard, “little darling it doesn't hurt, don't worry.” Without looking I bolted out the door, I couldn't see my beautiful mothers face in that monster. It has been about a week now and I am still running. I had stopped only a few times to scavenge what I could from the lifeless bodies on the street. Sometimes they carried food, water, and only once had I found what I needed, salt. After I had been armed with the most vital weapon, I started to slow down. I found a small shack by the coast and settled down. I lived there for a few weeks until I heard a knock on my door and a small child's voice crying on my porch. I needed to open the door, help this little girl. I opened it a crack and saw her carrying the body of what must have been her baby brother, he was pale and cold but the girl would not let go. I knew that determination, it was the same one I had, I needed to let her in. I told her she could stay with me, but I had to use some of my precious rock salt on her. She agreed and let me sprinkle some on her blood stained dress, as I remembered that the monsters sucked all the blood of their victims was the second that she said, “its sea salt you know, its sea salt that hurts us.”


Well...that was quite the plot twist there. I love it. I'll be honest and say it didn't really take me by surprise, it was pretty easy to guess this is where the story was headed judging by how short it is and all, but it is a fun little twist and the sense that everything is about to go very wrong is always a really fun place to end a story.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a really fun story to read and I like the concept that it explores. I think this would probably filmify very easily...or at least the premise would...obviously the plot would have to change or we'd have a very short film on our hands. Anyway that's all I've gotta say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Emivanz1 says...


thanks
so
much!!!



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Sun Feb 21, 2021 4:39 am
rida says...



Congrats on the literary spotlight!




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Sun Feb 21, 2021 4:29 am
MapleWay says...



This was an awesome story! It had a spooky vibe to it and multiple great surprises. Not only that but the ending was incredible! I think it would be really cool if you developed this into a novel or something!




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Sat Feb 20, 2021 10:15 am
rida says...



I loved this!!! Especially the ending! I think it’ll be nice if you expand it into a novel!




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Sat Feb 20, 2021 1:39 am
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hello there! I saw this piece in this literary section, and the description immediately caught my attention, so I just had to check it out! ^_^ I see you've already gotten some nice reviews, so I'll try to be as helpful as I can! So let's get right into it c: Anything I say is just a suggestion, so if you don't agree, please feel free to ignore or disregard! <3

OH, and welcome to YWS!! I hope you are enjoying it so far, and if you ever have any questions, feel free to reach out! :D

So the first thing I noticed was that your first paragraph was a bit on the info-dumping side. You told us a lot of things and information about the vampires, but it was stated in a as-a-matter-of-fact way, like a textbook. I'd also think sprinkling some more actions and description would elevate this wonderful piece! c: I'm going to give you a few suggestions on how you can do this.

We were all running.


I love your first sentence! It immediately hooked me, and I was like "oh dear, what is happening?" :O so I think that was a lovely choice! I would love if you expanded on this! Adding descriptions would make this more vivid. So, what's it like outside? Is the air filled with smoke and fire? Are the people's feet pounding on the ground? Are they barefoot? Are they flying through the air? Are they breathing hard, do their lungs or chests hurt? Asking yourself little details like these can help you figure out what kind of things you might want to consider adding! <3

Ooh, I would also love to know what the surrounding area looks like! are there overturned cars? are we in a rural area or a city? What time of the day is it?

They could look like anything, anyone, and that's how they would trick you.


Instead of telling us the monsters have the ability, show us! For example, the narrator could be running past a vampire trapped in a car who suddenly morphed into the face of her mother/father/sibling!

But that was the worst part because they would take the faces of your most loved and scream for mercy in your person's voice.


Oh my, that is terrifying! And cruel, oof, I would not survive in this apocalypse 0.0

I was nearing my house when I heard screams coming from inside, my mothers screams. I ran into the house only to find her pale lifeless corpse on the floor. There was no blood left. I heard footsteps behind me and in my mothers sweet toned voice I heard, “little darling it doesn't hurt, don't worry.” Without looking I bolted out the door, I couldn't see my beautiful mothers face in that monster. It has been about a week now and I am still running.


Okay so another point I wanted to bring up is your pacing. One moment she's running, the next she sees her mother die, and the next it's a week later. I would recommend slowing down a bit - this can help the reader connect more with the piece and understand the narrator's emotions! For example, I would love to know how the narrator felt after her mom's death. It must have been really hard on her, so there could be a scene of her crying in an abandoned parking lot or something. I would love to know how her heart was, and if the burden of her mother's death almost made her lose hope. Elaboration adds a lot of colour! c:

“its sea salt you know, its sea salt that hurts us.”


OMG WAS THE LITTLE GIRL A VAMPIRE? IS THAT WHY SHE SIAD IT HURTS "US"??

I love how you decided to end this! The ending was quite chilling and spooky, and leaving it on a cliffhanger makes this story more memorable. The fact that you even used a little girl makes this even more spooky! I seriously love the ending c:

So my main two suggestions for you are to slow down and add more descriptions! But other than that, I really enjoyed this piece! c: It's scary to think about living in an apocalypse 0.0 and i think you did a nice job coming up with a creative story! I'm assuming the monsters are vampires - when I originally started this, I was assuming they were going to be zombies, so this was a pleasant surprise! ^_^

I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! <3




Emivanz1 says...


Thank you ever so much and yes the little girl was a vampire/monster and it was kind of a weird twisted metaphor about how something so cute and sweet can actually be something dark and evil.



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Fri Feb 19, 2021 10:17 pm
nightshadows wrote a review...



Hey em! I absolutely was so intrigued in your story!! Like dude you had be wondering what was going to happen next. I also totally love how you made is especially rock and sea salt, when you give descriptions of things it definitely helps tie into the story and make it more interesting. And also when you gave the description of the little girl, like everyone feels bad for her and then you reversed things and...EXPLOSION OF FEELINGS!!! Your such a great writers and I can't wait to hear that again! ;)




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Fri Feb 19, 2021 8:39 pm
stygianmoon17 wrote a review...



Heyy, stygianmoon17 here for a review <3

This is SUCH an effective short.
It's creepy, there's this eerie tone to it, and it's just overall creepy in atmosphere and monsters.

There are just a few downsides I feel the need to address, so here goes:

The first paragraph. It's our first introduction to the monsters and the world. It should be where the stakes are raised and where suspense starts being built as well as the horror as well. And trust me, that's exactly what it does, but it feels like an exposition dump. It's just some narrator talking about the world and it feels very.. anticlimactic. Working it into maybe a news show or a newspaper article would work better, but what really would make this a hundred more times creepy, would be if the main character was saying this to someone, or someone was saying this to the main character.
Maybe the character received a letter from his mother that left him a few days before the apocalypse started, and she explains to him (and thus to us) that she made research on the creatures and figured out why salt wasn't working as well on them. And that he needed to come fast so she could explain to him about it more in detail. (The exposition in your first paragraph could thus be in that letter) Then when he'd arrive to talk to her, he'd see her mother had been murdered by one of the monsters taking your MC's appearance. That would tie in better at the end, where the secret his mother wanted to say is that sea salt is actually what hurts them, which would make the ending all the more horrifying.

But then again I'm overthinking, and this short is fine the way it is. Maybe polish the beginning and it'd be a great horror short




Emivanz1 says...


thank you so much for your suggestions. I know i need to polish up a few things and this made it so much clearer. i will definitely take those into account



Stormbreaker says...


you should totally make this in a novel it'd be awesome ;D
I know it's a lot of work and a lot of money too lol (YWS money mind u), but this has sooo much potential



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Fri Feb 19, 2021 7:56 pm
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Emivanz1,

Mailice here with a short review! :D First of all, welcome to YWS!

It's an interesting story you've presented. It combines the fear of facing a loved one and not knowing if it's really him. The question of killing your own siblings or something, even if they are just creatures disguised like that, is well chosen.

In the first paragraph, a small introduction, of the creatures, and then the actual story begins.
Maybe it could have been reworked a bit. It seems a bit like an explanation of an instruction manual. Maybe it could be rewritten to sound like a newspaper article that gives you information about these creatures. That would help the drama immensely and give the story more weight.

Your second paragraph is a little rough and could use some polishing. Firstly, you could put sections in there to make it look clearer. Of course, it's only a short story, but with some explanations, descriptions etc... it would give the story even more tension. One thing that often stands out is that you start a lot of sentences with I. That doesn't read very well and should be rewritten. Maybe change the choice of words or switch from the active to the passive voice.

You keep the reader on their toes with the ending, and with the points mentioned above, you could turn your short story into a very exciting, creepy horror story. Of course, the story itself could also be the beginning of a longer novella. You already have the questions the reader raises. Where do these creatures come from (I assume they are vampires, with the ability to change their shape)? How long have they been around? What does the world look like? What becomes of the narrator? Where does he go? Does he have a mission? By expanding on these questions, you could build a great, long story.

Greetings,

Mailice.




Emivanz1 says...


Thank you so much for your help. I am planning on taking this story further and possibly making it into a novel, so all of these ideas really help. I will try to use all of these suggestions. (also I know I didn't write this in the story but the monsters are supposed to be lab tests gone wrong for the covid vaccine)




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