I have a friend
who is always cheerful
who is sweet
who always smiles
I have a friend
who sometimes is tearful
who sometimes feels defeat
who sometimes compiles
her feelings in her chest
I have a friend
who I try to help
but I always stutter
I don't know what to say
to make her feel better.
I have a friend
who is judgmental about herself
so she hurts her health
Her cuts are deeper than her body can bear
her muscle tissue is worn and torn.
I have a friend
who sometimes needs help
so I try to talk and laugh with her
so I try to be a good friend
to make her feel better
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,820 Reviews
Like the others, and relate this poem to be nice and accountable for as In the form It is written and that lyrical pattern isn't contradictory but rather is compelling. Little is to be given as a review to your work, but I think it doesn't really matter because as long as you have a friend who's the restless, yourself would have no peace and so the peace of one's friend is as well your peace.
Most of the times, we seem to go through a lot that can deny us of so many things and sometimes, it creates a deep cut that can easily not be mended as many wounds takes time to heal.
I seem to like your element and language of repitition as it added to the structure of the poem and in this, the poems diction is simple and easy to gulp.
Even the language is low and thats kinda cool. I wish NAPO would have poems like this.
Thanks anyways, hope to review more of your poems.
Thank you so much! and might I ask, what is napo?
Ooh I can answer that! ^-^ NaPo, short for National Poetry Writing Month, is a worldwide event in which people write poetry! The typical goal is 30 poems in 30 days, but here on YWS, you can set your own goals as you'd like, and get badges for your profile too! Here's a link for more info:
2021 NaPo Information Center
And don't worry about the fact that April's already started; you can still participate today by making a thread here! viewforum.php?f=196
I hope you decide to try it!! From your poem, I can tell that you're a wonderful poet already, and maybe NaPo's the perfect thing to help you up your game even more!! ^-^
thanks so much! I will definitely check it out
Hi, BrokenHeartsAri here for a short review!
This was a relatable poem on my behalf.
I Really love each line, and how the repetition you used really brought it all together.
My favorite Lines are:
"who sometimes feels defeat
who sometimes compiles
her feelings in her chest"
I really enjoyed reading this
My only critique is the last line.
Other than that this was an awesome poem!
Keep up the great work!
This is the first thing I've read on here, and I could NOT have picked something better. This is phenomenal and I love the wording and how it's written and the emotion behind it! I think this is so special to me because I too, unfortunately, have a friend
Good work!
Hey there! MapleWay here dropping by with a quick review!
This was a very nice and relatable poem. I really liked the repetition you used as well. My favorite two lines were, "so I try to be a good friend to make her feel better." I can feel how much you care for this person and how much you want them to feel better and be ok. The only part I would change in the poem was in these two lines. "I don't know what to say to make her feel better." I would change the two lines to one line looking like this. "I don't know what to say." I think the, "to make her feel better is unnecessary and is just dead wait. But feel completely free to ignore this!
Anyways great poem! Tag me if you do another!
- MapleWay
Thank you so much!
Hi there, mordax here! I love your poem and the concept it touches on.
Let's get to it...
One thing I felt thrown off by in this section was how it was four lines but the rest are five. I would suggest evening it out for consistency, but if not, that's fine too lol.
I also think you could incorporate a bit more imagery here: describe her smile rather than stating it. Describe the vibrancy of her cheer, the delicacy of her sweetness. It would make the poem all the more engaging.
So, you repeat "who sometimes" three times then switch it right at the end, and it throws off the flow as I read. I would suggest either varying the sentence structure before, or keeping it the same throughout rather than throwing it off in the single line. Also, again I would suggest incorporating some imagery--it can be subtle too, hinting at hiding tears or disappointment marring the vibrancy of their previous cheer.
I love this part because it is so relatable. That feeling when you want to help someone but have no idea how and nothing you can say feels good enough or remotely correct. My only suggestion is a repeat of above: a bit more imagery. Especially with the stuttering line.
I love the little rhyme you incorporated here, but the line "judgmental about herself" disrupts the flow you had built. I would suggest rewording it just a bit, such as "who judges herself" or something else.
My only other critique is that I think the last line could have been a bit more powerful. I totally understand the want to make someone feel better, but that want is also a bittersweet one as it conveys the closeness you have with this person but also the darkness they are dealing with that you can't seem to touch. It's such a complex feeling and I think if you last line conveyed it a bit more, it would do more justice to the rest of your poem.
Overall, please take none of these critiques in a negative way! I loved your poem, the message it conveyed, and how relatable it was. You are a wonderful writer and keep it up!
mordax
Thank you so much for all of your suggestions!