music

Hi there!

I loved your use of repetition in this poem. I get this sense of anticipation throughout, which reminds me of how music can sometimes escalate from being more low-key to an epic chorus.

Language

I thought the strongest images were the metaphors in stanzas 3 and 4. The way "story" links to "adventure" and "mystery" makes the effect of those stanzas more coherent, I think.

I could also see how the "heartbeat" connects to the onomatopoeia "thump thump" and "bump bump" in the next two stanzas. "maze" seems a bit more of a one-off that's less connected to the poem as a whole. Then in the 4th stanza there is "drowned" which makes me think of a comparison of music to water, though like the "maze" this one doesn't seem to have a precedent or follow-up in the poem.

What I think would be interesting to see would be more specific images. You kind of do something like this in the first stanza, where you specify that it's the consistency of a heartbeat that is like music. I'd love to see this sort of specificity with the other images. What kind of maze is it? Is it more like a puzzle maze, the sort you see in newspapers? Or is it more of a hedge maze, a magnificent garden feature? These are just some ideas and suggestions!

Structure

As I said, the use of repetition makes the poem flow nicely and ties everything together pretty well. My favourite repeated line or refrain was "giving it life". I really liked how it is used in stanzas 3 and 4 particularly, because the repetition is unexpected. "an adventure/ full of mystery" seems to be moving on to a different rhythm, but then the "survive" at the end of the third line is a slant rhyme with "life", which leads in nicely to the echo of the earlier stanza. I think that's very reminiscent of how music is full both patterns and surprises!

Something that could be improved would maybe be the line "making beautiful music". I think I got stuck on this one while reading because, unlike the other refrain "giving it life", it doesn't seem to rhyme with anything. I really do like how you've used rhyme elsewhere in the poem, such as in "words/sound/unheard/drowned" as you've managed to do it in a subtle way (i.e. there doesn't seem to be much forced rhyme, and you break the rhyme pattern when you need to). So I think it would be interesting, if you revise this poem, to try either rhyming something with "music" or replacing that word with something that rhymes with the lines adjacent to the refrain.

That's all

Feel free to ask me anything about what I've said in this review, if you need some clarification. Hopefully you found these comments helpful - and keep writing!

Cheers,
-Lim

First off, Welcome to poetry! I only wrote prose till last summer, but now I am absolutely addicted to poetry:)

This is wonderful! I love when people try to describe music without actually using music, it's incredibly difficult, but it always produces such interesting pieces! That being said, I definitely feel like there is a musicality to the piece. I love the way it builds.

As for advice: I would suggest you use more specific adjectives unless you're trying to create some sort of juxtaposition or you're going for an ecstatic style like the one Garcia Lorca uses. On that note, a little more contrast in this piece would be nice. This is just my opinion, so take it or leave it, but for me, part of what makes music transcendent is the fact that there is so much conflict in it. There is both harmony and discord.

An absolute pleasure to read! Sorry this review is a bit incoherent I was typing really fast and I am crap at giving poetry advice- YellowSweater

'Ello there!

For a person new to poetry, this shows a lot of potential. You have a clear style happening and it seems consistent throughout the whole poem, which is normally something people new to poetry struggle with. I can't wait to see how all of this grows in the future because this is good as it is, and the future only shows improvement.

thump thump

creating a wonderful maze
making beautiful music