Young Writers Society

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to be this good at writing

Hi, Pineapple here for a little review!

I really enjoyed reading your poem. The conspicuous title was the first thing that caught my eye. As I started reading I got more into it. It was the type of poem that made you think.

You were talking about the real world and illustrated it in an interesting way (awesome job on that!). The only suggestion I would really make is to maybe separate your poem into stanzas. That's only my opinion so don't feel like you need to do it.

All in all, great job on your poem. I hope you keep writing and I'm excited to see more poems!

Signed,

Pineapple

Hello there, mordax here! I know you said nothing serious but I thought I'd give my two cents about this poem.

This was beautifully written! I like your rhyme schemes (some of which were very clever) and I liked the way a few of the lines felt like they were one of those lullaby fairytale songs. I only have a few critiques and here they are:

But as all stories do this one turned lethal

And no ones here to fix it.

Hello, and salutations. I'm here for a short review.

First of all, I like your alliteration. The rhyming and sounds are fit together and roll off the tongue.
I know you said nothing serious, but i think you could do something more with this. It was very well written, and I enjoyed it.
(It seems that there are many people on YWS who are poets...nice!)
One thing I noticed was that you used punctuation in most places but not all. You missed a few commas or periods.
For example, "so this is a story of a people (,)" and "the world started out peaceful (,)"

Other than that, I think it was very well done, and you did a great job.
I kind of like how you put "So, no..." on the last line. It adds to the whole thing...anyway.
Amazing!

~Zacharias Drake