This is a quick little poem that I wrote for a club at my school. Nothing too serious.
This fairytale begins with only people,
The world started out peaceful
But as all stories do this one turned lethal.
There was a famine,
There was a drought,
The world's friendships all fell out.
Backstabbing, stealing, and lying
We won't say we weren't trying.
Now the world is broken
And no ones here to fix it.
So this is a story of a people
Who didn't care for a sequel,
But what if I told you that those people
Were actually you.
So no, fairytales do not exist.
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I'm pretty sure it's illegal to be this good at writing
oh gosh
you dont need to be that nice
Hi, Pineapple here for a little review!
I really enjoyed reading your poem. The conspicuous title was the first thing that caught my eye. As I started reading I got more into it. It was the type of poem that made you think.
You were talking about the real world and illustrated it in an interesting way (awesome job on that!). The only suggestion I would really make is to maybe separate your poem into stanzas. That's only my opinion so don't feel like you need to do it.
All in all, great job on your poem. I hope you keep writing and I'm excited to see more poems!
Signed,
Pineapple
Hello there, mordax here! I know you said nothing serious but I thought I'd give my two cents about this poem.
This was beautifully written! I like your rhyme schemes (some of which were very clever) and I liked the way a few of the lines felt like they were one of those lullaby fairytale songs. I only have a few critiques and here they are:
I believe there needs to be a comma after "do".
"ones" should be spelled "one's". Also, as this line doesn't rhyme with any of the preceding or succeeding lines, it felt out of place. There is nothing wrong with standalone lines that don't rhyme, but it breaks the flow of your consistency and feels a bit stuttered. Perhaps this was intentional, as it is a line about no one fixing what is broken (which in that case, props to you, because that's very clever to imitate that "broken-ness" of something by causing a stutter in the poem).
That's all I've got! Wonderful poem!
mordax
Thank you so much for the review. The line, "No one's her to fix it" was supposed to be sort of the climax of the poem, the loudest point. so I wanted it to stand out.
Hello, and salutations. I'm here for a short review.
Amazing!
First of all, I like your alliteration. The rhyming and sounds are fit together and roll off the tongue.
I know you said nothing serious, but i think you could do something more with this. It was very well written, and I enjoyed it.
(It seems that there are many people on YWS who are poets...nice!)
One thing I noticed was that you used punctuation in most places but not all. You missed a few commas or periods.
For example, "so this is a story of a people (,)" and "the world started out peaceful (,)"
Other than that, I think it was very well done, and you did a great job.
I kind of like how you put "So, no..." on the last line. It adds to the whole thing...anyway.
~Zacharias Drake
Thank you so much!