Young Writers Society

Hi Emivanz1

Mailice here with a short review!

You have written an exciting story. The first chapter is like an introduction to a bigger story and you've managed to create an arc of suspense at the end from the valley of sadness you've created to keep the reader hooked.

It was her birthday.
My name is Allie wintergreen and they are telling me to write this, my therapists I mean. They call themselves therapists but I know the truth. They are not here to help me, they are here to study me and what makes me sad. However its not working because I'm not sad. They say, "darling you have been through a lot" and, "you are so strong." They do this to get me to talk, but I never do. I made a promise after all.

It was her birthday. Alexis was one year older in our hearts at least.

First off, let me just say that I have never been disappointed by your writing, and this is no exception! I was completely entranced by this story, and I love the way you slipped bits and pieces of Allie's personality into the story without coming outright and saying it.

I also love the thoughts she has about her sister after the suicide. They're raw, emotional, and extremely realistic. Multiple times while reading I found myself thinking: Wow, that's exactly how I would react. In my opinion, you completely nailed making this feel real and believable. Not to mention how the plot thickens when we discover that she might share some of the "blame" for her sister's suicide.

The last paragraph was beautiful! I love the description of the place she finds, and I really like the whole idea that everything is black and white except for the girl. The part when we learn that the girl is actually her sister who committed suicide, Alexis, was shocking! It left me to wonder if it was just a strange, abstract dream, or if Allie Wintergreen was having some sort of emotion/guilt-induced hallucination.

Overall, I'm in love with this story! You did a wonderful job, and I definitely wouldn't complain if you decided to continue this story! Keep up the good work!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this is certainly a great opening for a story. It's got all the things you could possibly want from a first chapter and I think this could potentially be a really interesting story judging from this first chapter.

Anyway let's get right to it,

It was her birthday.

My name is Allie wintergreen and they are telling me to write this, my therapists I mean. They call themselves therapists but I know the truth. They are not here to help me, they are here to study me and what makes me sad. However its not working because i'm not sad. They say, "darling you have been through a lot" and, "you are so strong." They do this to get me to talk, but I never do. I made a promise after all.

It was her birthday. Alexis was one year older in our hearts at least. It had been two months since the,"incident" no one liked to talk about it, they all said, "Its best to mourn the dead and speak of their lives, not their deaths." But I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to know why Alexis jumped. I knew she was arguing with mom, I knew she was having trouble at school, but why did that result in a tearful conversation between my parents and I starting with,"Darling we loved your sister very much, and we know you did too..."

Yes I was sad then, I was sad all through that weekend. I cried myself to sleep every night leading up to the funeral, and I cried during that too. That night however I had used up all my tears and could cry no more. So I sat there contemplating all the amazing times we had together. The swimming in the pond, the sledding down hills, the bedtime stories she would make up. All of those good times now seemed bittersweet.

Eventually I fell asleep as I always do, but tonight was different I don't think I was ever really asleep. I knew this because most of my dreams lately were full of horrors and the last words she ever said to me, "Its too late to apologize Allie!" My dreams were filled with scenes of all the fights with her, all of which I could have easily avoided. All the name calling and pranks, the bailing on sister time so I could hang out with friends, and finally the last argument. Alexis had been an artist, but I had been upset, she had been working on a painting for months, and I had ruined it in a second. "Its too late to apologize Allie!" she had said as she walked out the door. Three hours later we had heard the news.

However tonight the dream began in a field of black and white flowers, an odd setting if you ask me. There was a shift in the flowers and in the corner of my eye I saw a young girl holding a small white rabbit. She oddly was the only thing in full color, her eyes were a deep magenta, with golden brown hair. She was wearing a short pastel pink dress with white lilies embroidered on the sleeves. I some how knew this girl and I felt a connection to her. As she came closer this feeling of recognition grew and even as she was standing in front of me I could not place where I had seen her before. That was until she spoke. in a sweet innocent voice the little girl said, " Hi there! My name is Alexis and I would like to welcome you to wonderland!" It was all too much, but before I could say anything she grabbed my hand.

First off, I love this start! Very intriguing. It's also quite realistic, very believable, like this is a real person really grieving over their sister. It seems that our protagonist is in the third stage of grief, guilt.

There are a few places where capitalization is missing, like Wonderland, but I think that if you reread it you could probably catch all the places. There aren't really any other grammar mistakes.

Anyways, I'm really excited to read the next chapter! Let me know when you publish the next one!

I like this story so far a lot. It has this dreamy quality that makes it inviting. The flow is nice, and the hook is great. I like the name Allie Wintergreen, reminds me of peppermints for some reason. The dream sequence, if one could call it that, was very nice. I see a lot of people struggle with writing dream sequences so seeing you pull it off effortlessly was quite good. The story idea was very nice, and the way you explained things without explaining it if you get my meaning, was very immersive. Nice story. Tag me on the next chapter, peace out!

Hey there! MapleWay here with a quick review!

I really liked this! It was a bit bittersweet but I honestly liked that part of it the most. I felt as if I were being told the truth instead of getting the "sweeter" version. The cliffhanger was also great! I can't wait to see what happens! I do hope you continue this! And when or if you do could you please tag me?

Anyways great job! I'll see you with another review in the next part!

This is a very interesting story! I like the premise of it, and the descriptions are well done. There are some places where commas could be added, and one or two other grammar issues. I like the cliff hanger though. i have many questions I can't wait to see how it turns out. Is she really in Wonderland, or will it stay a dream? Will she come to terms with her sister's loss? I also like the description of the therapists, and how they act. That can be true...

Keep writing,
Ayelen

Hi, Emivanz1! I'm Atlas, here to review your short story, Welcome To wonderland pt 1. Before I begin, I want you to know that everything I mention here is merely suggestion, so feel free to use any, all, or none of it as you see fit. Also, if something I say comes off as particularly harsh or rude, please let me know because that isn't my intention at all. Anyway, let's get into it!

My First Impression/Overall Thoughts
I was drawn into your story by its title. I don't know if you meant to allude to Alice in Wonderland, but that's the first thing I thought of. I got the same mystical, dreamy feeling reading your story, too. There weren't any glaring issues in terms of the storyline itself that I noticed.

What Worked
The first thing I noticed was the way you allowed the story to flow through your main character's feelings. The plot was revealed as she described her emotions relating to her sister's death, which I liked. It felt more authentic to a diary or journal, which seems to be the primary method you're using to tell the story.

I also really liked reading passages with imagery. You were able to effectively use descriptive language to paint a picture for the reader. My favorite instance is,

There was a shift in the flowers and in the corner of my eye I saw a young girl holding a small white rabbit. She oddly was the only thing in full color, her eyes were a deep magenta, with golden brown hair. She was wearing a short pastel pink dress with white lilies embroidered on the sleeves.

As she came closer this feeling of recognition grew and even as she was standing in front of me I could not place where I had seen her before. That was until she spoke.

In a sweet innocent voice the little girl said, " Hi there! My name is Alexis and I would like to welcome you to wonderland!" It was all too much, but before I could say anything she grabbed my hand.