z
  • Home

Young Writers Society



Welcome To wonderland pt 3

by Emivanz1


I knew that Alexis needed help, but she was on a little backstreet in the middle of the night. No one saw the crash, Alexis was unconscious and no one was coming to help. I just sat there, not being able to move. 

It seemed like hours before a young couple pulled up beside the car, and started to call the police. As soon as the woman said, “There has been an accident on main street and first” The dream spun again, and I was back to the waterfall.

And there was the girl, Alexis, standing in front of me, soaking wet, but still as beautiful as ever.

When I was little I always thought that my sister was a princess. I mean it made sense, she had long golden-brown hair, magenta eyes, full lips, and fair skin. But I knew she never thought so. Once when I was twelve I caught her in the bathroom, with blood all over her arms. I knew that this was not healthy, but I was just scared by the image and ran out of the room.

I remembered this and looked at my big sister's arms. And like I thought, they were covered with scars.

My eyes teared up and I looked at her sweet, mature face. I couldn’t accept the fact that Alexis was gone. I lowered my eyes and stormed off.

After about five steps the dream spun again and I was now in a dark alleyway outside of school. Alexis was backed up against the wall with three boys surrounding her. One of them I recognized as Collin, he was the biggest of the group, and certainly the strongest.

I could hear Alexis’ sobbing whisper saying, “Collin please don’t, don’t!” and That was followed by another sob as a hit came pummeling into her stomach by one of the goons to the right of Collin. “Well, I can't help it whatever they do, but you can. Get back together with me and he will stop.” Collin said in an almost laughing-like way. This was followed by another punch to her jawline, I heard a loud crack. It was probably broken, or at least very damaged.

Alexis spit out a mouthful of blood. And when Collin saw this he simply laughed, “poor, poor Alexis, are you going to go running to the police now?” he said with a mocking tone. He turned around and the goonies dropped Alexis on the ground.

I remember when Alexis came home that day, she had said that she had tripped and fallen off the curb, but I was too busy to even notice that she was severely injured. I doubt mom ever figured out the truth, Alexis was good at keeping these things to herself.

The dream shifted and we were now in Alexis’ bathroom. She had a large black eye and many cuts and bruises on her face. She pulled out her large makeup bag and got to work.

I was amazed. This is why I never saw any of her injuries. She used her wonderful painting skills to paint her face back to normal. When she was done, if I hadn’t seen the horrible even with my own eyes I would have been none the wiser. This poor girl, I never knew how much she was going through, and she handled it surprisingly well. I felt like a horrible person, much less a sister.

While in these thoughts I was sucked back to the waterfall, facing my big sis.


Is this a review?


  

Comments


User avatar
1232 Reviews

Points: 0
Reviews: 1232

Donate
Fri May 07, 2021 7:26 pm
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi Emivanz1,

Mailice back with a short review! :D

Excited and curious to see how the story continues, I immediately threw myself into the sea of words :D

I just sat there, not being able to move.


Again, I would have liked you to add a little bit about how Allie feels. It's about her sister and as I read in the first chapter, she has feelings of guilt. These should also show up here. Is Allie desperate? Hopeless? Angry?

When I was little I always thought that my sister was a princess. I mean it made sense, she had long golden-brown hair, magenta eyes, full lips, and fair skin. But I knew she never thought so. Once when I was twelve I caught her in the bathroom, with blood all over her arms. I knew that this was not healthy, but I was just scared by the image and ran out of the room.


A very great paragraph you wrote that gives you the look of Alexis. I like how Allie describes her and idolises her a bit and also insert that Alexis never saw herself as her younger sister would have. At this point I would also briefly object that it would be great to know a little more about how Allie looks, but I think since it's told from her perspective and is a dream, it might be different how she looks in real life.
Also, as a reader, you get another very frightening piece of information here about Alexis and the incident where her arms were bloody.

"poor, poor Alexis, are you going to go running to the police now?"


I would rewrite the sentence a bit to "are you going to run to the police?"

I was amazed. This is why I never saw any of her injuries. She used her wonderful painting skills to paint her face back to normal. When she was done, if I hadn't seen the horrible even with my own eyes I would have been none the wiser. This poor girl, I never knew how much she was going through, and she handled it surprisingly well. I felt like a horrible person, much less a sister.


You started this section well, using what I would have liked to see in other parts. Allie feels. She sees and she realises what has gone wrong with Alexis and you can tell here that she is shocked. You've created a good approach here that still has a bit of room for development.

Dreams are hard to describe, but I think you can feel there too. Emotions are created by the brain and so are dreams. That's why it would be better if Allie showed a little more of herself. In the first chapter you did a wonderful job of building up a sympathy for Allie. It gave you the right feeling of what her relationship with her big sister is like. Here, unfortunately, it's a bit lacking, even though it's her dream. You could work on that a bit more and develop it. Why don't you put yourself in the situation and imagine what you would do if you saw that? :D Maybe that would help.

I've noticed that there have been fewer errors in terms of capitalisation and punctuation. That's a great improvement and think that will get less with each chapter as you keep writing! Keep up the good work! :D

I forgot to say that I really like how you jump from one chapter to the next as if nothing happened in between, except the reader turning a page in a book.

As with your previous two chapters, you did a wonderful job of bringing in an ending that leaves the reader wondering and with questions.

I liked the chapter a lot. I found it a little short, but there was all the more to see and experience.

Have a great rest of your writing!

Mailice.




User avatar
121 Reviews

Points: 110
Reviews: 121

Donate
Fri Apr 30, 2021 11:18 pm
manilla wrote a review...



Hi! Manilla here for this May's review challenge. Let's get into it!

I read the first and second installments of "Welcome to Wonderland", and briefly, I will give you my take on it as a whole! The narrator's older sister has died of suicide, and she is now living through her older sister's worst memories in this "wonderland". Going through an emotional rollercoaster while doing so, the narrator has a huge awakening on who she thought her sister was.

I love this concept - it's creative, it's fresh, and new, and this is a wonderful chance to be contemplative and reflective. We can see the narrator seriously second-guessing what she knew, with quiet reflections full of pain. Poor Allie, reliving her sister's lived experience with broken eyes. But for these to pack even more of a punch, I have a few suggestions.

Firstly, know your words are your arsenal and your words are your art. This could very well be a first draft, and you could revise by changing up words later, but I would suggest you increase your vocabulary by finding new words. But these definitely don't even have to be challenging words you'd find on the SAT. I don't know how old the narrator is, but I'm guessing she is around early teen/tween age. Shift things up! Use words in ways you haven't before: "covered (with scars)" could become "painted", "laughed" could become "cackled".

With this in mind, you can easily start to create more detailed scenes for the reader to imagine. You give us a brief idea of setting, but you could take that a step farther. What did the bullies look like? What about the image of blood on the sidewalk? It's these details that create an emotional chapter that really tugs at our heartstrings.

Now, the logical progression of plot that would come next would be the pinnacle of Alexis's most painful or poignant memories, and Allie's greatest realization. Not the very well-stated I didn't know what she was suffering through, but the main takeaway for the reader. This is some deep stuff, and seriously, keep thinking and writing about it.

But it's like in front of me, there's your character, telling me this story in her own way in her very own honesty. With your style of narration, the job's been halfway done.

Nice work, and good luck writing the next installment!
-Manilla




Emivanz1 says...


Thank you so much! I will definitely try to improve my vocab on my next part




something I have been thinking about ever since I saw the Super Mario Bros movie is how once I took a "what Nintendo character are you" quiz and I got Waluigi.
— Elinor