Hi Emivanz1,
Mailice here with a short review!
By the title, the narrator's name and how the story ended in the last chapter, I was expecting to see a joyful, colourful world à la Alice in Wonderland, but this blew my expectations away. It was surreal and extreme in some ways. I liked that a lot.
this time I was in the middle of an elementary schools playground.
You started very well in the last chapter describing this dream at the end and I would think you could add some short sentences about what else it looks like. (Is there a school building, a tree, etc.?) You could describe that until Allie notices that there is a girl standing there.
I could see the fear in her eyes as the young boys knocked the colouring book out of her hands and when they looked at her, for a few split seconds I saw the brutality in their eyes.
The sentence has become a little long and takes up almost half of the paragraph. As the tension builds a little, you have to be careful not to fall into it and suddenly become part of it yourself. I would split the sentence into two or even three parts, because especially the subordinate clause here seems more like a minor sentence and not so relevant from the info, although I also find this part important.
But even little first grader Alexis was stronger than I thought.
That must feel terrible to see that and not be able to help. In the previous sentence Allie talks about how she would react to this, but I would have liked to have seen more here about what she would have done if she had run to her when she could run. It lacks a bit of empathy on Allie's part.
One of my favorite memories of that voice is when we were sitting on a blanket on the beach, just her and I. She was singing, and I was watching the waves as they crashed down on the sandy shore. I always took that voice for granted, If only I knew, I would have kept it more special.
The transition from the previous section to this one is a little choppy. The beginning needs to be rewritten a bit to create a smoother transition. For example, "A voice I haven't heard in a long time. Like that time on the beach..." or something like that.
And I could feel a pair of eyes on me, but anytime I turned around they seemed to melt away.
I like this description very much.
Furthermore, pay attention to upper and lower case. Just read the text briefly after you've finished it after a short while to clear your head, and then read over it again. Also, I would put the dialogues (the few that can be found in the text) on single lines. This might make the text seem bigger, but it gives you a better overview of who is speaking.
The story turned out great. It's as confusing and strange as a real dream you experience and you feel like Allie is overwhelmed from one situation to another. You've managed to build a world of your own with the settings, which to me seems like Allie's subconscious. She is trying to get to the bottom of getting to know Alexis all over again.
I'm not an expert in dream interpretation, but I find it very exciting when you think about what the dream means. What does Allie feel about it? Why isn't she at the centre of it? What does the subconscious wants to tell Allie?
I think it's good that my fear (hope at the beginning) was not confirmed, that this will be a beautiful dream where Allie can be united with Alexis at least for a short time. In terms of the dialogue, I think it's great that there is some, but it comes across as a bit artificial. I would change them around a bit, as it also currently feels like neither Allie nor the reader has any idea what exactly they are talking about.
In summary, you've created a very surreal story and I'm excited to see what happens next!
That's all from my side! Have fun with your writing!
Mailice.
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Reviews: 1232
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