Young Writers Society

I'll start with what I liked about this. The first paragraph really caught my attention and I was immediately interested in what the "Darkness" was. The words you used to describe the Darkness were good. I especially liked "encompasses me" and "swaying embrace". I also liked the last sentence. "Aimlessly, I wander through darkness, still trying to find that small light I saw before, though deep down I am certain I will never see light again." It gives a very lost and lonely feeling to the ending.

Now with the things that could be improved... There were a lot of typos, mostly with punctuation. After "Then, in an instance, the light is gone" and "Thank God, it's finally ending" there should be periods. In the sentence "Though I feel dead blood still pumps through my veins." there should be a comma after dead or it seems like it's saying the blood is dead. Also, this is just my own opinion.

Despite a few things that could be better, I enjoyed reading this. Hope this review helps.

Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
So I like your poem, because you chose a very big topic to tackle, and I felt you covered it well. I thought at first it was going to be a complaint about the actions money has caused and then an explanation of what money really is and then a very cut-and-dry admonishment to human kind for acting so foolishly. However, you turned this into a general piece of thought, providing things for people to think over. I thought this was definitely a good way to go with such a topic.
Still, there are some edits that I would suggest you make. I'll go stanza by stanza.
In the last line of the first stanza, I suggest making "destroyed many an amicable brotherhood." Otherwise, it seems as if you are talking about a specific brotherhood, which you very well may be, but I think it would make more sense to specify that many brotherhoods have been destroyed.
Now, the second stanza I really liked, it seemed very well thought out, your demonstration of a destroyed family. However, I think you should make the second line "And a man has killed his wife," because by adding the extra words it makes the rhythm work better.
In the third stanza, it's sort of the same thing as the first. You say "an individual" when I believe you should emphasize that many individual's dreams have been shattered.
In the next stanza, the last line just doesn't fit. I think it may be the amount of syllables that kind of messed up the flow, but it also could have been that the last word, "rotten," doesn't really rhyme with "broken." I would suggest just rewriting that line, but try to keep the rest of stanza. If you have to, just fix the syllable count, the rhyme is close enough that you could probably leave it.
In the fifth stanza I only had one small complaint, and this is very preferential, but I don't think that Agony and Trust should be capitalized. This makes it seem like they are characters, which I can understand because you sort of personify them. What I'm trying to say is that I guess they are too minor of characters to be appreciated with capitalization?
In the sixth stanza, again I suggest pluralization. I would make "felony" plural, to show that Money has caused these offenses again and again. Last stanza is good.
One more thing, what's up with the spacing towards the end? You have a couple extra question marks, and extra spaces throughout the poem. I can only assume this is intentional and some thing I just don't understand, but personally I think this makes the poem look a little strange.
Anyways, thank you for the lovely read! It's a good poem, and with a little more care, could be fantastic!
herbgirl

Kazey here for a review!

This was a really good poem, with a strong start and such potential. It's moral was very well-worded and you have such a rich vocabulary! However, I believe there is much that can be improved upon.

Firstly, grammatical errors. Your spelling is very good, but your punctuation leaves a little to be desired. You don't need a space before a period or comma, only after, so bare that in mind. You don't need spaces after speech marks, either.

Why are people being so mean ?,
Is it just for Money ?? ,
How can a small rectangular piece of paper ,
Conjure such a felony ? ,

You don't need commas after the question marks, and I feel in a formal poem such as this that only single question marks should be used, but that's only preference.

Secondly, I can't tell how your rhyme scheme works. Are you using ABAB or ABCB? If you're trying to use ABAB, sometimes your words don't rhyme, so just check that. Also, read through your poem out loud before you post to check flow and rhythm.

I know it sounds like I'm being really harsh, but I'm just trying to help. It was a REALLY good poem, so please don't be upset or discouraged.

~Kazey

This poem is SO good. I really like it! However, I do have a few points of improvement.

The first thing is that the poem doesn`t have a steady rhythm. While the language itself is great, it loses a little bit of its power to randomness, and I think especially with this particular moral.

Also, I think your poem is very rhetorical, speaking about things only as a hypothetical, something a little bit unreal. The poem isn`t about one person, it`s about everybody. but you kill that effect with the second stanza when you speak about the man killing his family for money. That turns the poem from a question to a story. I think the contrast being in only one stanza doesn`t really work.

Now for a more positive note.

I really love your moral, that money isn`t worth as much as it seems to be. And the launguage you use in the poem really reflects the moral. I also love the way you made the last stanza, ending with a question rather that an idea. This really leaves the reader thinking about the poem and it`s meaning.

I also really enjoyed the metaphors in stanza 5, escpecially the part about trust being molested. It really shapes the direction we view this. your saying, 'money isn`t just bad, it`s disgusting, an outrage.'

Your beautiful use of words and your wonderful moral really made this poem a joy to read, and one that can really make you rethink the world.

Best of luck,

Lucy