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Life Is Not As Rosy As It Seems...

by Ejay1806

Life is not as rosy as it seems ,
Nor is it bright , like the sun beams ,
Difficult choices have to be made ,
The most unwanted things have to be said ,

Tears of Sorrow, pangs of Separation ,
Fear of the Unknown clinging in desperation ,
Sleepless nights , Hollow laughter ,
Not Courage left , just not enough to muster .

The Beloved must be forgotten ,
One must tread on a path , pale and rotten ,
Numerous hardships we must encounter ,
For long gone are the days of playful saunter ..

Forked are the Curious Crossroads of life ,
Crowded with trees of Sorrow , laden with spite ,
A Choice must be made , the one which is wise ,
For if gone wrong , It is too late to realise ,

Squeamish insides screaming for help ,
and a tortured tongue , with a painful yelp ,
Why does this happen ? Why does it stay ?
Why does happiness seem so far away ?

The answer to the above , can be just one ,
The One that can never ever be undone :
" Life is not as rosy as it seems...!!"

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120 Reviews

Points: 4842
Reviews: 120

Sun Aug 28, 2016 12:49 pm
RippleGylf wrote a review...

Hello! Ripple here on this marvelous Review Day.

I really like the overall feel of this poem. The message is fairly solid, and it just reads very flowingly.

My nitpicks have to do with the structure of the poem, specifically punctuation. Typically, you would not put a space before a comma. With how consistently you do that, it is obviously not a repeated typo, but a mere grammatical misunderstanding. Quite simple to fix.

The other main punctuation error is the last line.

" Life is not as rosy as it seems...!!"
There should not be a space after the first quotation mark, and the end of the line is all sorts of confusing. Ellipses (the ...) would work great without all of the other punctuation, as it would indicate a saddened trailing-off, if that makes any sense. The double exclamation marks make it seem like it trails off, then suddenly panics without saying anything more. The quotation marks make it seem like an outside person is saying it, not you. Also, one exclamation point is usually sufficient.

My other nitpick is your rhyme scheme. You keep switching between slant rhyme and pure rhyme without any apparent logic to it. If in every stanza, you followed a pure rhyme with a slant rhyme, that would work. If you did vice versa, that would work. If you alternated betweenstanzas with slant rhyme and stanzas with pure rhyme, that would work. You just need to be consistent. There isn't any order between the two in the current version.

I really enjoyed reading this, but improving your formatting will really make this shine. Keep writing!

User avatar
454 Reviews

Points: 1158
Reviews: 454

Mon Aug 08, 2016 7:47 pm
Rascalover wrote a review...

Thank you so much for requesting a review! I think this poem is beautifully written! The only thing I can see is that the rhyme of this poem feels increasingly forced. Also, this line seemed jarring to me, like it didn't fit, "Not Courage left , just not enough to muster ." One last criticism, there's no need for a space before a comma. My favorite part about this poem is all the lovely descriptive language you have used. The poem was tangible.

Need anything at all just hollar/ request again!
Rascalover <3

Ejay1806 says...

Sure will trouble you again :) Don't mind ...

The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
— Bryant McGill