On My Birthday
As I blew my candle,
and cut that velvet cake,
As adulthood embraced me for a fondle,
I embarked on a journey I didn't want to make .
I wanted to relive
those good old days again .
I wanted to be a child again.
I wanted to be that little girl
who used to play with dolls,
who used to wear frilled tutus
and wish over shooting stars .
I wanted to be that little girl
who used to adore Disney princesses,
who used to dance with cardboard cut-outs,
and long for her mother's bouncy tresses .
I wanted to be that little girl,
who used cry over a broken sand-castle,
who used to gleefully chase butterflies
and fuss over glasses of milk .
I wanted to be that little girl,
who used to wait for the day to die ,
Not to embrace sleep,
But for grandma's enchanting lullaby.
I wanted to be that little girl ,
whose eyes spoke of freedom.
whose laughter sounde like Mozart's Symphony,
and whose eyes glimmered with hope .
Now ,
I see myself as the candle ,
And my golden childhood as the melting wax .
Like the Wax, it gave me a purpose ,
But today, it has retired into an eternal lapse.
I turn around and look .
Everyone seemed so content .
Everyone seemed so complete .
But why did I feel so hollow ?
Like something had died inside me ?
How could I ever be an Adult ?
With the ghost of my younger-self
Still lingering inside of me ?
They say that Time heals all wounds .
Will it heal this troubled spirit ?
Will it apply the balm of acceptance ,
Over this spirit of negation ?
I glance at my picture
Hanging by the wall.
She smiles at me .
I smile back .
And that's the end of my birthday .
© Ejay 2017 .
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,740 Literary Works • 672,672 Reviews
Hello Ejay!
Being a little girl is fun and carefree, and I definitely agree. The idea of a girl growing up who still feels the sharp tug of childhood and who misses it was woven well in your poem.
Still, if you were intending to have a rhyme scheme, you didn't exactly execute it well. A few lines throughout the poem did rhyme, but the rest didn't. If the rhyme is as irregular as this, you should either choose to have free verse or rhyming verse.
I don't really feel like "eternal lapse" was a good choice of words. I think you could improve it.
These lines jarred your poem, and honestly, I didn't really like them. Try a rewrite of those four lines.
At the very end, I didn't really feel like the girl changed through the poem. With this type of poetry, I prefer it if you have an "arc"; that something changes at the end. It doesn't have to be a person. It can be a circumstance, an object, a perspective. I would have liked it if the poem ended on a hopeful note.
But overall, like I said before, I enjoyed your poem, especially the theme of it, especially the realization of the birthday girl that she was growing up. Still, the ending was a teeny bit disappointing and needs some work.
I hope my review wasn't too harsh, or it wouldn't bore you. Keep writing more poetry
Princess Ink
Whoops! I forgot to make it a review....
Hi PrincessInk! Just letting you know that I marked this as a review. If you forget to mark something as a review again, feel free to let a mod (green or red names) know!
Oh thanks
I'll be more careful next time.
Thanks a lot . I really appreciate your review . It meant a lot to me . Cheers !
Hello! I would like to start by mentioning that your work is quite good. It presents a plethora of imagery for the reader and ends with something with which most of us can connect. I feel in sync with the second half of the poem, though my opinion might be biased as it's hard to connect with the experiences with the person of opposite gender.
>who used cry over a broken sand-castle.
There's a 'to' missing here but it's a simple mistake and can be overlooked.
You can make this more appealing by avoiding the repetitive use of words like 'wanted', 'used' and 'again'. There are more suitable and attractive verbs available to replace such words.
The same can be said about repetitive sentences but the imagery helps to overshadow this.
With that said, I appreciate the effort you put into this, as I am sure it's not easy to create a poem of such length and draw out your thoughts.
Keep on sailing!
Thanks a lot . Your review meant a lot to me . Cheers !