Sky of Seasons Chapter-2.1

Hey! Forever here for a review!!

The three sat still on the bed. They were silent, too shocked to say anything. How can they leave Sunwane? It sounded like a joke, but at the same time Opa was not a person who jokes.

I guess this will end up with them leaving Sunwane. I liked how you describe their feeling of being shocked. Here, also we get an insight to Opa's character.

There was a dreadful environment in the room. Everyone was thinking what to say next. After a moment, Lyla found her voice back and asked softly.

“Opa, but why?”

Lyla seems to be a strong character. Now, the reason. Perhaps the taxes, I guess. Lemme discover.

“Because.. I can have you at nature’s mercy rather than Norman’s men! They are cruel, unforgiving nasty people. If you don't leave... I don’t know what they will do with you.” Opa cried, the tears filled his eyes and were dripping all over his face. This was the second time they saw Opa crying, the first time was when Grandma died.

“But what do Norman’s men have to do with us?” asked Ethan

Opa seems to be a very strong man and the situation seems to be a dreadful and disastrous one. I wonder why the children didn't guess the reason and I guess it's going to the tax theory only.

Opa burst into a fit of sobbing. “Leave this place! Leave this place!’’ Opa sobbed bitterly “Everything is happening because of me, Oh god!”

Fearing that Opa was on the verge of hysteria, Lyla addressed him sharply “Opa!’

“Opa how can we leave Sunwane, where else can we go, And what the hell do Norman’s men have to do with us?” asked Lyla.

I don't know if sobbing is the best word there. I love how you are extending this and creating more mystery among your readers. Lyla seems to be quite emotionally mature. She understands Opa much better than the other two. Also, one more question added to our list. How will they be able to leave Sunwane? Maybe as long as my brain can think, there will be some sort of security in the borders.

“The taxes, my children! The taxes!,” Opa lastly admitted “Believe me... I tried really hard to pay it, but I wasn’t able to. I haven’t paid the taxes for four months! They gave me the last warning today that if I was unable to pay it tomorrow, they would take us as prisoners. Forgive me children! Forgive me!”

And I was right about the tax theory. Opa is quite a strong person to say this to his children. And it's very sad what is gonna happen with them if they don't escape from Sunwane.

They all were quiet, except for Opa sobbing silently. Ethan and Kiliarn were looking at each other in great despair. As for Lyla, she was unable to see Opa in this state. He was a man who stood tall and strong against everything to protect them. And now here he is apologizing to them.

Again a great insight to their characters. Put a comma between is and apologizing.

"Opa, but where can we go?” Ethan asked after a moment. Opa now wiped his tears and tried to act strong, but inside he was burning with fear of what might happen to his kids on this dangerous journey.

“The world is really big, you know! You can, if possible, go to the other realms,” Opa replied, then he quietly added. “Besides, this is not the only reason Ethan, you should leave.”

“What’s the other reason?” Ethan asked innocently.

“If your future wants, you will know it….we never know what our future holds for us, children.”

Opa was a man, a great man. Right, they will go to other realms, Lyla wanted to travel to those as she wrote on the diary... Now, she maybe doesn't cuz shw has to leave Opa for that. And another question, another reason is in stock for us.

It was obvious that Opa was hiding something, but no one asked him anymore. There were already enough shocking things.

But Opa was right, they never know what’s going to happen. An hour ago, they all were living their perfectly normal life in Sunwane. And now it was over, they have to leave their home or else they would die.If leaving Sunwane was their only option left, well it was not as easy as it seemed.

In the bold sentence, the tense doesn't seem to fit. If I am not wrong(note: my own tense is ridiculous), the sentence should be written as 'And now it was over, they would have to leave Sunwane or else they would die. Expresses their despair in a great way. I have started to love your story.

The borders of Sunwane were guarded heavily. If they tried to cross it, they would easily get caught by the soldiers who were guarding the borders. Because the guards must have orders to not let them leave Sunwane.

Lyla was in deep thoughts.

They talk as if it was a piece of cake.

“"Don't be ridiculous, the guards won’t let us pass the borders,” Lyla said.

“And here we are talking about going to other realms,” Kiliarn sighed.

In Lyla's thoughts, replace was with is. As it's happening, it will be in present tense. And hm... A tough situation indeed. They will have to struggle a lot if they want to go to other realms because of the guards. I don't know if they can hide in Sunwane or not... Maybe, or maybe not. Another thing is that cave. I wonder if it has any function in their escape.

Opa put his hands on the shoulders of Kiliarn. “Well Kili you don’t have to go with them, the Norman’s men have got nothing to do with you. Don’t put yourself in danger because of us, you can live a peaceful and safe life in Sunwane,” He said.

“Opa you took care of me since I was a kid, and now when you all are in such a situation you want me to leave you just like that. Father and Mother don’t even care if I am there or not, it wouldn’t even bother them. My father never wanted me, he says I am useless. So why should I stay with him, he only takes me as a burden.” Kiliarn smirked.

Kiliarn is of course thankful towards Opa and he wants to help them. If they escape, he too will take the risk and escape.

“Don’t even think about it son! Don’t! You are not at all a burden. You are a good child.” Opa comforted. “I knew Brenna and Marcus would be a neglectful parents when I saw them beating you when you were just a little kid. From then I decided that I will take care of you as my own grandson,”

“Oh! Opa…”

Seems like Opa is very concerned about him and he will save him. He is of course a very kind person.

They all hugged Opa and started crying, such a good parent he had been to them. The thought of leaving Sunwane was just fading away from their mind when they heard a bang at the front door.

“Come out! Come out you cowards!”

A cliffhanger. I am quite excited to see what happens in the next chapter. Perhaps, they will escape from Sunwane. I can say that it is gonna be quite an adventure.
Keep writing!
~Forever

Hi Alice,

Mailice here with a short review!

I'm glad to finally read a new chapter of your story. You ended the last chapter with a very tense situation and scene where I kept wondering what would happen next.

Let's start:

How can they leave Sunwane, it sounded like a joke but at the same time Opa was not a person who jokes.

I would divide the sentence here into two; first the question at the beginning (How can they leave Sunwane?) and then the second sentence. It seems a little too "full" here at the moment because you're portraying something serious in the first half and doubtful in the second half.

Opa cried, the tears filled his eyes and were dripping all over his face. This was the second time they saw Opa crying, the first time was when Grandma died.

What a strong character Opa has. He is so caring and also direct. I like that he doesn't beat around the bush here, but gets straight to the point.

"Everything is happening because of me, Oh god!"

An interesting scene. I really like how, over the chapters, Opa has developed - probably also out of fear of his grandchildren - from a very strong, strict and direct person into a neurotic character.

Fearing that Opa was on the verge of hysteria, Lyla addressed him sharply "Opa!'

Lyla seems to be the only one trying to calm him down. I like the fact that she's the only one who realises that it could be dangerous.

Ethan asked after a moment. Opa now controlled his emotions and stopped crying.

This feels a little too fast. I think you'd do well to add a sentence or two about how he's slowly getting to stop crying. (Maybe Lyla hands him a handkerchief to wipe away the tears?). Otherwise, the entire beginning feels a bit like he's senile, which I don't think he is.

"If your future wants, you will know it....we never know what our future holds for us, children"

Interesting. Good insertion here.

But Opa was right, we never know what's going to happen, an hour ago they all were living their perfectly normal life in Sunwane and now it was over, they have to leave their home or else they would die.

I think the first "we" should be replaced by a "they".

"Don't act stupid, the guards won't let us pass the borders," Lyla said.

I didn't follow this directly because before this you were talking about the borders from the narrator's side, and now Lyla is talking about them. It seems here as if Lyla is addressing the narrator. I would change it a little bit (the dialogue) as well as the back end, so that it seems a little bit like Lyla has thought for a moment before addressing Opa.

They all hugged Opa and started crying, such a good parent he had been to them, the thought of leaving Sunwane was just fading away from their mind when they heard a bang at the front door.

The sentence structure needs to be changed a bit here. It seems like one long sentence that doesn't make much sense.

In general, I liked the chapter. I liked how the last few chapters have been building up to this moment and what is developing from it. I also like how the characters crystallise out here - Lyla as someone who realises what danger is ahead of them and Opa as he has changed and couldn't pay the debt of the last few months. Now he's breaking down through his own emotions, which I think is a good portrayal. I also think it's good that Kiliarn was mentioned in passing and you learn something about him. From the looks of it, he's going to be accompanying them, which I think is great.

I noticed that you forgot the full stop a few times, mostly after dialogues, when one of the characters said something and now and then your punctuation disappeared. I think in one dialogue I noticed that the inverted commas were two dashes. I would just read over it again and put them in, if you have time, because it seems like you were rushing to finish the story. Here, for example, is such a case:

"Opa how can we leave Sunwane, where else can we go, And what the hell do Norman's men have to do with us?" asked Lyla.

Here you could have divided the dialogue with question marks, so that this single sentence becomes three smaller ones, and add a full stop at the end.

It was a great chapter, where a lot happened and the reader got some questions answered, but also new ones arose. That was a great way of you putting it, because it still gives that incentive to read on and find out what the final secrets are. Aside from the minor errors that can be fixed quickly, I thought it was a very solid chapter with a good ending.

Have fun writing!

Mailice.

Hello Alice! Hannah here for a quick review. I hope it is helpful!

Grows:

“Leave this place , leave this place’’ Opa sobbed bitterly “Everything is happening because of me, Oh god!”

In the middle of that sentence, you have a space and then a comma and then another space and it should be connected to the end of the first "place."

“Opa you took care of me since I was a kid, and now when you all are in such a situation you want me to leave you just like that. Father and Mother don’t even care if I am there or not, it wouldn’t even bother them. My father never wanted me, he says I am useless. So why should I stay with him, he only takes me as a burden” Kiliarn smirked

I feel like a smirk wouldn't be a good facial expression to describe after that sentence. Also, after burden, there should be a period.

They all hugged Opa and started crying, such a good parent he had been to them, the thought of leaving Sunwane was just fading away from their mind when they heard a bang at the front door

There should be a period after "door".
I noticed a lot of things like this, so maybe go back and check your punctuation on some of the sentences.

Glows:

Oh wow, this was really good. It was emotional and a complete cliffhanger at the end.
They all hugged Opa and started crying, such a good parent he had been to them, the thought of leaving Sunwane was just fading away from their mind when they heard a bang at the front door

This sentence clearly had a lot of thought and emotion put into it. Great job.

They all were quiet, except for Opa sobbing silently, Ethan and Kiliarn were looking at each other in great despair. As for Lyla, she was unable to see Opa in this state, he was a man who stood tall and strong against everything to protect them. And now here he is apologizing to them .“Opa, but where can we go?” Ethan asked after a moment. Opa now controlled his emotions and stopped crying.

Great job on this one as well, same with the previous one. Lots of emotion and thought out.

"Come out! Come out you cowards!"

For the last sentence, that was a real cliffhanger.

Excellent job on this new chapter! It was stimulating, well thought out and emotional. Keep writing and have a great day. I hope you hear more from you!

Sincerely,

hannah