Chapter-1.2 Getting a nice scolding from Opa
Another burning day of Sunwane just began. Lyla wakes up to see her brother getting scolded by Oppa. This was nothing new, it had now become a daily ritual. She quickly got up from her bed, opened the window of her room that opened in the backyard of the house to see what was the reason for their debate today.
As she opened the window the warm winds of Sunwane ruffled through her long ash blonde hair. Lyla liked her beautiful white hair, Opa once told her she got it from her mother.
“How can you be so reckless Ethan, I don't understand! Be a bit sincere, you are 17 now. And how can you bathe with 3 buckets of water? Cleaning every inch of your body I suppose.” Opa was yelling at Ethan who stood facing the ground.
“Sorry Opa I didn’t know they were for watering the crops." Ethan said as he saw Lyla walking up to them from inside the house.
“So what’s the matter today?” Lyla asked as she came up to them.
Oppa was furious, he didn't leave a single chance to embarrass Ethan in front of his sister. He wanted him to know that he was the one who was supposed to take care of Lyla as she was younger, when someday Opa will not be there.
"Your brother has wasted all the water. Now off you both go and fill the water buckets from River Blaze, I have no energy left to scold him anymore!" Opa sighed.
"Alright…" Lyla and Ethan replied, already feeling tired.
River Blaze was at the bottom of the Hill, it was the only source of water in Sunwane. Life was hard in this realm, but somehow people of Sunwane had learned to survive.
As they both were halfway down the Hill. Lyla's ebony skin was dripping with sweat and Ethan's olive skin was getting redder and hotter. People were used to the scorching summer days in this realm.
On their way, they saw Miss Maudie inside her blue fence watering her precious lilies and roses. They took special care to pass Mr Bombur’s house unseen because they didn’t want to waste their time in his small talks.
“Keep your head low or else Mr Bombur will see us,” said Ethan as he quietly passed the fence of Mr Bombur’s house.
At last, they both came panting down the Hill where the River Blaze was flowing swiftly. The market of Sunwane was set up around both sides of the river. There were fruit stalls, vegetable stalls, clothes stores etc. There was a morning rush in the market, Mrs Emma stood beside her vegetable stall yelling “COME GET THE BEST VEGETABLE OF SUNWANE!” Where on the other side of the river Mrs Bronwyn selling her vegetables shouted “MINE VEGETABLES WILL MAKE YOU HEALTHY THOSE WILL MAKE YOU SICK!” And there goes their morning fight as always.
As they were getting ready to fill the water buckets. A tanned skinned boy with his long brown hair tied in a man bun approached them. He was Kiliarn, son of the healer of Sunwane and the only best friend of Lyla and Ethan. They have stayed together since they were kids. Lyla still remembers how Kiliarn proposed to her when he was 9 and she was 8, he said that when he will grow up and have enough money he will ask Opa to let him marry her. Now when they talked about it it sounded silly.
“Hey what are you guys up to, this early in the morning?" Kiliarn asked.
“Can’t you see we are filling these filthy buckets with water,” Ethan said with an angry look.
“Don’t talk to him like that, it was your mistake that we have to come this far early morning.” said Lyla
“I said sorry” Ethan cried
“Okay! Okay! Let me help you both” said Kiliarn as he took one of the buckets and started filling it.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Hello there! I'm so sorry about the late review, I wasn't on YWS as much last few weeks. I haven't read the first chapter but I think it's pretty good. I like the smooth dialogues and the characters' unique names. I enjoyed reading this chapter and would love to give you a few suggestions and point outs.
#4000BF "> Reveiw:Grammar & Puncations
First of all, I'd like you to see the quote part.
It made me wonder whether you didn't use a period after "Mr" for some purpose. I don't know if you have a reason or not, but I suggest that you use a period after "Mr", since it is an abbreviation of "Mister".
I suggest that you use a period after "Mrs" for the same reason as above. I also suggest you use a comma or a period after "Mrs. Emma"'s dialogue. I think "Mrs. Emma" would be an interesting character whether she is the main or not. Her way of selling vegetables sounds very....interesting and a little uncanny. Anyhow, I do think this is an amazing piece of writing.
*Feel free to ignore the suggestions if you want to*
Hm...I know it's not entirely incorrect and I do agree that it's not only you who says it that way...I do hope you consider what I will say after this sentence seriously and do not go along with whatever I say if you think it's wrong. I suggest that you say "Ethan didn't want to waste their time in his small talks". "wanted" isn't incorrect, however, you already used "didn't" to show that it's a past-tense. I'm not an expert in writing so I will quote a part from a site.
"You can simplify your question a lot: "Is 'he did wanted' correct?" And the answer is "no". In English, when you use a modal verb, only the modal verb is inflected; the main verb remains as the bare infinitive. So "He did want" instead of "He did wanted", and "He does want" instead of "He does wants"
https://ell.stackexchange.com/questions ... e-sentence
I suggest you say "its" water. "it's" stands for "it is", while "its" refers to the possessive form of the pronoun.
When you say "fruit stalls" and "vegetable stalls" you are listing something, for that reason, I suggest you use a comma after "clothes stores". I also suggest you add "s" after "vegetable stall", you are talking about more than one stall I assume.
This part where Kiliran proposed to Lyla reminds me of The Greatest Showman. I don't know if you know it or not but that part just made me think of it. By the way, do you mean he proposed "to" her, by "proposed her"? It might mean a wholly different thing if you say without "to".
Lastly,
I think you should say "he arrived at them". Again since my first language isn't English I'll quote from a website.
We use the verb arrive with at or in to talk about ‘coming to’, ‘getting to’ or ‘reaching’ a place where a journey ends. If we see the destination as a point, we say arrive at. If we see it as a larger area, we say arrive in. We don’t say arrive to a place.
https://ell.stackexchange.com/questions ... 0a%20place.
This is just a small picture I found. Just wanted you to see it.
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=htt ... 0a%20place.
#00FFFF "> Reveiw:Characters & Dialouges
This happens a lot with siblings and this part just reminded me of how much I compared myself to my sister and was compared
I think I'm going to love this "Kiliarn" character! I just can't wait to read the next chapter!
Thank you for the request!
Keep on writing!
~Chris
I love your review. And I think the dialogue is my thing, I like to write dialogues so much and if you know your characters well, the dialogues automatically come to your mind. Thanks for the review and the links
And you are going to love Kiliarn. I am so excited to write for him. Hope I finish the next chapter soon and publish it
You're welcome! Would you please link me if you publish the next chapter?
I have published the next chapter and I have tagged you too
Hello Alice! Hannah here for a quick review:
Grows:
I think that you switched tenses from the first chapter and throughout this book. You have to decide between present tense or past tense. Here is an example:
Present tense:
"I said sorry." Ethan cries.
Past tense:
"I said sorry." Ethan cried.
There were some grammatical mistakes, such as these:
"“MINE VEGETABLES WILL MAKE YOU HEALTHY THOSE WILL MAKE YOU SICK”"
"MINE" should have been "MY", and after "HEALTHY" there should be a comma.
There were lots of little mistakes like this throughout the chapter.
Glows:
Wow! You have done a really good job setting up the scene and introducing characters. It is really good! Keep writing! Thank you so much for this story!
Hannah
Thank you so much for reading it!
Hello. Here I am to give a review. Actually, I forgot to review it. I am reviewing it almost after a week I read it and I still remember what happened and that is one of the greatest achievement of a writer.
I liked how to portrayed the relationship between those three and also the argument in the market. But, I suggest you not to use all caps. It doesn't look good. You can't see all caps in a popular book. It's not recommended. You can add the thought of the seller that the vegetables of one other seller are getting sold and her is not getting sold. This is what happens.
Overall, I enjoyed it. Waiting for the next chapter.
Thanks for reading it! I will publish the next chapter soon
LOOOVVVEEEE ITTTTT!!!!! Ahhh can't wait for the next chapter! Also totally digging that this is coming from lylas point of view at the moment! I am also totally loving the names of the people in your story!
And man I was laughing so hard at the vegetable argument in the market! Keep writing!!!!!!
Thank you so much for the review!
Hope you like the other chapters too!
Hi ImaginativeAlice,
Mailice here with a short review!
First of all, I like the title of the chapter. It promised to go more in the direction of humour. It's interesting to know how old Ethan is, I thought he was younger. But his age gives you another reason why Grandpa has to set him straight.
Several times in the chapter you write "River Blaze". Not being a native English speaker, I don't know if that's correct, but shouldn't it be Blaze River if it's a proper name?
That's so sweet of Kiliarn! Hope there's more to come. It seems he's very helpful and Lyla defends him a bit too.
In some places, you could describe the area a bit more or go a bit deeper into the character description of Lyla and Ethan. Especially their way from the house to the river could be expanded a little bit, and tell more what it looks like. After all, all that is told is that it is warm in Sunwane and the Blaze River is the only source of water. Maybe there could have been a bit of explanation about what grows there in terms of plants and trees, or if you can imagine it being a bit drier. ( Because I imagine Sunwane a bit like in the Wild West.)
The chapter ends at a very interesting point, where I don't know if there's something unexpected in the next chapter, or if that's the end of the morning trip to fetch water.
The chapter was short and interesting. It gave you a little more insight into Lyla and Ethan and I can already imagine what everyday life feels like for them. I suppose it's not the first time Ethan has messed up
Mailice.
Thank you for the wonderful review
And yeah I also thought that there should be more explanations I will add some things