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etching the memories

by Dreamy

You spend the lasts of your days writing away. 

Jotting down the memories, one by one,
you search the nooks and corners of your mind,
creeks flowing
the figures and imaginary of someone you hoped you’d become friends with.

You hold on to the details of the brow arch and the edges of their mouth when they smile; and hope to disappear in the crease.

But you know that as the days go by, you won't quite remember which side their mouth lopsides when they smile, or where their brow is cut or which shirt they wore when you saw them first. 

And so you etch whatever you recollect on your mind
like a welder imprinting his initials on a steel
with fire

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109 Reviews

Points: 11267
Reviews: 109

Tue Aug 27, 2019 1:50 pm
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silvermoon17 wrote a review...

“You hold on to the details of the brow arch and the edges of their mouth when they smile; and hope to disappear in the crease”
This poem is.. really lovely, I guess you have a really good hang on vocabulary because some of your words are very very different of what someone would usually use. Like
Or nooks
Even crease! I mean, I’ve never seen someone here use them all. I guess your poem was about memories. Or evoking memories or something. But the last paragraphs.. god.. I’m not even saying lines. I’m saying paragraphs because your last three stanzas (paragraphs) are horribly heavy (not sure it makes sense to say “heavy” that way in English. In French it basically means something not very smooth or enjoyable to do. Like.. oh I dunno.) but when I read it, I was out of any poetry. I was reading a paragraph somehow constructed to slightly have a flow, although no rhymes no short lines no nothing. Once or twice these long paragraphs might work, but you do that always for the last three parts. You could’ve easily broken those lumps into smaller parts which would have made it much smoother to read.
There also is very small imagery in your poem.
Small imagery is often used when describing pain- but yours is more.. melancholic.. or nostalgic. So long lines of stark imagery would’ve been much better.

Dreamy says...

Thank you for taking the time out to review. :)

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12 Reviews

Points: 17
Reviews: 12

Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:56 am
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saint1y wrote a review...

Hello! I am here to write a review for you on your poem.

My first thoughts on reading this are that it has taken a lot of time and editing to do, either that or your vocabulary is very good aha. You never know.

But.... BUT

there are a few issues which I found.

"You spend the lasts of your days writing away" Okay so here, I think it would be better to put last instead of lasts.

"you search the nooks and corners of your mind" i like this although a nook is actually a corner, so maybe choose a different word for this like cranny or something aha i dunno.

But other than that, this is a very catchy poem and I would love to see how you progress in your writing.

Dreamy says...

Thank you for taking the time to review. ^^

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291 Reviews

Points: 18848
Reviews: 291

Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:32 am
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Dossereana wrote a review...

Hi @Dreamy I am here to do a quick review on your poem here. So lets get right in to it shell we.
I really found this title eye caching. I sure it the first time and kind of just went past it. Then I had a look at it again and now I really find that I like it a lot. I really like how you started it of. All the lines are already flowing really well together. You mad this sound like you were writing about a real writer that posts books all the time. all in all the lines just sounded so real and true. There is not one thing that I can see that I think would need changing. I can really see the person doing all of this writing all these things day arfter day.

And so you etch whatever you recollect on your mind
So I am not really sure what you meant by the word etch. I feel like you mean to say each or attempt I'm not sure for I have never heard of that word before.
I tell you what that was only one thing that I found wrong with it. But everything else is really good.

So that is all that I can say about this. If I was being a bit harsh or mean then pleas forgive me for I am really sorry. So keep up the great poem writing I would love to hear more from you.

So Have A Great Day/Night

@Dossereana Out In The Sky Of Reviews

Dreamy says...

Thanks for the review.
etch /%u025Bt%u0283/ verb:
engrave (metal, glass, or stone) by coating it with a protective layer, drawing on it with a needle, and then covering it with acid to attack the parts the needle has exposed, especially in order to produce prints from it.

Again, thank you for taking the time out to review the wok. :D

Dossereana says...

Your welcome, thanks for explain somethings. :D

"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it."
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein