she
lay on the ground with
nothing
to support her head;
her
long black hair
caressing
yesterday’s gentlemen’s
mud
and dirt.
she
poked her fore-finger out
from
her tiring left hand,
lifting it up at the sky
she stutters,
“Look.”
as sticks
and stones kissed her,
“Are you watching this?”
she
asks to the faces in the clouds.
the
handlers of the blows
take
a step back.
“Help me.” she
says
“Please.”
she pleads.
like
the soldiers on command
the
handlers break her raised arm;
disgust
by her pleads
and in
fury,
as
she was not touching their feet, yet.
they
tossed and turned her,
‘til
she lost control over her body.
until, her head dangled.
until,
her eyes were wide enough
to
capture the carnival over her spilled blood
and
of the dazed and bored spectators,
the
men in suit and the men with buttons,
to project
it on the cinemascope screen
if
the faces in the cloud
had
put their eyes on ice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
she lays on the ground
"Help me," she says
"Please," she pleads
I only found those few errors. Poetry doesn't usually have grammar errors, but this made me want to say something. Otherwise, this poem gave me complete chills. I could exactly see this woman dying as I read the poem on the screen. It's scary, but it's meant to be like that. Poetry is meant for imagery. I really liked it. Please keep writing.
When writing poetry, I tend to shy away from using dialogue. However, I think you used it to excellent dramatic effect. It definitely helps emphasize the surrounding imagery. I am also a major fan of the conventional juxtaposition used throughout, expertly used to create an air of sorrow.
There are a few areas that could be improved on, syntax wise (there always are), but overall it was a highly enjoyable piece. Thank you for your writing.
I really like it and how you used creative writing.
I think that you should make this into a short story instead of a poem it may just be my opinion but I think you could make it into a fantastic short story.
I was a little it confused at certain parts, is it not supposed to be 100% clear at all times?
I really liked it, thank you for writing.
Hello there, Dreamy!
These three lines should all actually have commas instead of periods within the dialogue, though I can understand if that was an intentional choice that you made to do that. If it was, disregard this.I really appreciate how you use imagery here. It created a very vivid picture in my mind.
That being said, there are a few things that could be changed to make this better.
Now, this isn't necessarily bad, but the story sounded more like a story to me than a poem. I would experiment with different dialogue markers and ways to tell the action that's happening. But that's your choice, as I don't know whether the difference in tone is a good thing or a bad thing.
The other thing you need is more context. I enjoyed reading the scene, but I was very confused as to what was going on. I suggest perhaps a little more lead up to this scene.
I also don't understand handlers, and "yesterday's gentleman's" and also why are these men so interested in her death? If it's a metaphor for the patriarchy, I think it might be either a little too heavy handed or not heavy handed enough. If you're going to go for patriarchy metaphor, you really have to show bad stuff that happens to women. If not, I still have no idea what you're going for.
This line is in present tense and the rest of the lines are in past tense. Make sure you regulate that.
That is one sentence. One sentence with tons of modifiers that really should be broken up to improve clarity. Try breaking it up like this:
"Until her eyes were wide enough
to capture the carnival of blood--
the dazed and bored spectators,
men in suits and men with buttons--
projected on the cinemascope screen,
as if the faces in the cloud
had put their eyes on ice."
Though that's still one sentence, there are more pauses for the reader to take a break and understand what's going on in there.
Altogether, I enjoyed reading this. Happy YWSing!