z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Old Man

by Dreamy


The sky shines with the yellow
golden sun that peaks from behind the clouds
of yesterday's sorrow
when Akil called after the old man,
"thatha, where's your grand daughter?"
the old man with his foot bare and hunched
back, walked-- ears plugged with screams and cries of
his rights & mistakes.

The boy runs along-side the old man whose
crow black skin shines
with the sun's light: absorbing the heat like he was supposed to--
like how he was born into
giving in.
"thatha, you're Latha, where is she?" asks little Akil.

The old man whose eyes hardly open
with dirt settling in and around his lids like
the cobwebs behind the windows that's left open for a long time:
"thatha, are you going to her?" asks Akil, biting his teeth--
the old man with bare foot says, "go back, go back to your house, ayya."

"But I have a gift for her, she said she'll be here by this time." says Akil,
showing his closed palm to the old man whose eyes were dark
and half closed, "she's supposed to be here."
"She's gone back to her parents." says the old man, "you're not supposed to play with her." he begins to walk with a pack of worn clothes on his hunched back.

"But, thatha..." waits Akhil for a while, "but why not, she's my friend."
the old man whose hands were that of a unironed cloth, shaking like a tremor
from the child's innocence, and from the boy’s inability to wrap his mind
around the drawn boundaries and downtroddenness that the people
etched on the walls that they built around themselves, ruffles the boy's black hair,
"you're parents... you're parents must be waiting for you." said the old man as he stuttered on his way back to wash the dirt in people’s clothes.

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Sun Sep 11, 2016 7:11 pm
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Rydia wrote a review...



Hey there :)

Specifics

1. I think the first three lines are very prosaic and would benefit from losing a few words here and there and general tightening of the language. Maybe something like:

The sky shines, the yelllow-golden sun
bursting through clouds
of yesterday's sorrow.

2. The first stanza slides into past tense and I'm not sure what to make of that part at the moment - the lines flow well and the imagery is nice but I feel like there's not enough setup yet and already you're telling us about something which happened in the past? I'm finding it hard to follow.

3.

"thatha, you're your Latha, where is she?" asks little Akil.
I get that thatha is probably father but I don't know what latha is.

4.
the cobwebs behind the windows that's left open for a long time:
This line is far too bulky. Maybe try 'the cobwebs behind the long open window:'

5.
"But I have a gift for her, she said she'll be here by this time." says Akil,
There needs to be a comma after the speech instead of a full stop.

6.
the old man whose hands were that of a unironed cloth, shaking like a tremor
This should be 'an unironed'.

7.
"you're parents... you're parents must be waiting for you." said the old man as he
This should be 'your' instead of you're.

Overall

You get very prosaic toward the end of this poem as well and I think there are a lot of excess words which could be trimmed back to tighten up the flow. At the moment, you could take the line breaks out of this and it would read like a piece of micro fiction - it's closer to prose than a poem. That's not necessarily bad but if it's written like a poem, it should probably be a bit more poetic.

I'm also not sure I followed the story - is the child asking after the old man's grand-daughter and is she actually dead or really just gone back to the parent's house? I think that could have been made a little clearer.

Thanks for the read and all the best with this!

~Heather




Dreamy says...


The grammatical mistakes are embarrassing. It can't be a typo since I've repeated the same mistake twice which is even more embarrassing. And yes, I agree with you on the fact that how this work is more of a prose than a poem. Sometimes, when you are too passionate about things you'd fail to see even the most logical reasons, I suppose that's what happened here. But enough of excuses!

I really appreciate the time you took out to review my work. Thank you kindly!

Cheers! :)



Rydia says...


No problem and don't worry, we all make grammar mistakes sometimes!



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Sun Aug 28, 2016 5:55 pm
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godlypopo wrote a review...



Hello, Godly here for a review and happy review day!

The imagery in this is pretty strong as it gives the reader a good view of what is happening. I especially enjoyed the opening of The sky shines with the yellow golden sun that peaks from behind the clouds of yesterday's sorrow as it is imaginative and drew me in straight away. Poetry wise, even though it is free verse, this seems more like a short short story than anything else. The potential to make it a poem is there but it doesn't particularly fit the idea of poems other than the stanza part. To make a narrative poem, your best bet is to make it more rhythm influenced. This way the reader enjoys it more and the story is more memorable as a poem rather than a snippet of something. The only other bit that you could improve on is when you say biting his teeth it sounds a bit off. I think gritting would be a better use of words rather than biting because you can't really bite your own teeth. Apart from that, the grammar was accurate and the story was interesting. What drew me in other than the first stanza was the display of the growing stanzas. This represents how the characters get more developed in the story. From setting to washing clothes, the story grows in its own unique way. Keep writing and persevere to improve to your potential and more in future pieces!

All the best,
Godly :D





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