The rotating blades of the fan Spiraled my thoughts like a cotton candy Only to dissipate them into a dust of nothingness Rather than serve them with a flavour
Walls held the frames The frames; the memories Of lost forbidden innocence Which is now a decaying fragment of liveliness
I held onto the roots Hoping to be restored But the forgetful Scavengers won The war between nature and desire
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
This is relatable in a kind of a weird way, it reminds me of the times where you might be reminiscing or thinking about stuff while you're looking at the fan spinning and eventually you become so focused on the spin of the fan that it "blows" away your thoughts. It seems like you captured a human emotion and just put it into poem form really which is pretty cool
Thanks! ^^
Also this is such an old work. I completely forgot that it even existed haha. Thank you for bringing me back to this.
I have a couple quick revision things. Poetry should follow all normal punctuation rules, so you definitely need some end punctuation and commas. Instead of "Spiraled my thoughts like a cotton candy," try just having "Spiraled my thoughts like cotton candy." It would make it more grammatically correct.
All your imagery and metaphors are really cool! It's nice to see that.
It took me a few readings to find a personal connection in this poem, which is kind of unusual. I'm not sure if I like it or not. Sometimes it does feel like my thoughts and opinions don't matter, and in the long run they don't. The more I read this the more I connect and the more beauty I find in it. The walls in the second stanza are the brain, and you've tried so hard to stay innocent and happy and creative and thoughtful in a world that depreciates all of those things. I, too, have held onto the roots (my roots are God), in many situations, but I think I would have failed if not for God.
Another thing is that desire really does turn beauty into dust, and desire can win so often, and it is so powerful.
Thanks for sharing your art on YWS!
Almost all poetry including famous works is grammatically incorrect.
Desire is strong. It is what makes or breaks a person. According to this poem, it broke the narrator.
I'm glad that you all are finding a way to connect to my writings. The objective has always been about the connection but if the punctuation is blocking the way, I guess I really have to learn my basics.
Thank you for the time, both of you. Have a good day!
Monsters is right; if you intended it this way, don't change it for me.
I don't know why, but I feel I should review this. So let us begin.
Since this is a small poem I want to discuss each and every stanza here.
I love decoding your poems. Here is my interpretation. Primarily this stanza is about futile debates. Unnecessarily we keep thinking about issues which at the end of the day add no "flavour" to our lives. Meaning, we aren't enriched by these debates.
Some may find this as overdose of metaphors but again your poems are like Rubik cubes. Extremely enjoyable to decode and discuss. Here I feel you are emphasizing on the lost innocence and childishness. Due to overdose of thinking we end up losing the charm, the energy and the liveliness. The innocence fades away gradually.
The last and the trickiest stanza. Everyone has his/her opinion. So I respect what BitterRose said. But personally this poem wouldn't have been half as effective if this wasn't what it is.
The first two lines suggest, you tried to restore your innocence, by resisting the temptation of falling into futile debates. [Which links these 2 lines to your first stanza] The 3rd line is hard to decipher. But the 4th line gives me a feel that 'nature' represents 'innocence' and that innocence was lost and desire [which I guess represents temptation of getting into futile debates] ultimately conquered innocence.
On a whole this is a challenging poem to decipher. This isn't written for the 'two minute noodles' kinda readers. You have to invest certain amount of time in reading this. The flow is fantastic. Metaphors are the essence of the poem. You cant take them away at all
You have all the creative liberty to play with words in a poem so ignore the Grammar Nazis
In terms of writing, flow and depth, this poem is a notch higher than your previous work.
Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed it!
Hey,
This is a interesting short poem to say the very least. I see a few errors however, for example "the memories Of lost" of does not need to be capitalized. Looking at the poem it seems to be a mistake you made a few times. Aside from that how ever I wish you had used a bit more punctuation as well. I do love this poem tho. I think you made something beautiful and put it into words, so really nice job there. The poem is very descriptive and makes me think of a old crumbling building which is really nice. I loved this poem, keep up the good work!
Sincerely,
Collideascope
I have punctuation-disability. >_> I don't use them 'til I'm very sure about 'em, which is why I avoid them at all cost, especially in poems. But I understand the difficulty in continuing to read a work with poor punctuations. I appreciate your time, though.
Have a good day.
I have the same issue some times
have a good day
Hey, Bitter here! Let's get started!
keep writing, you have potential!
Meh. 2/5. it sounds like your trying to be too fancy with it, and the last stanza is so hard to understand. I think "is" in line 8 should be "are", grammatically speaking, which would omit the "a" from the same line, and change "fragment" to "fragments". Also, I think you meant "hoping" in line 10. Anyways, I didn't personally aprecciate this, but someone else could. It's all a matter of opinion.
~BitterRosemary
Yes, I did mean "hope" there. But in the eighth line, I was referring to "innocence" not the memories, so I guess what follows makes sense. I'm sorry you don't like this, maybe I'll write something that's less fancy in the future.
Have a good day!
Good point, didn't realize you were focusing on the innocence.
have a good morning
☆☆☆☆☆
Haha! Really? I was very unsure of this. I guess derivations and the fear of studying Schrodinger equations makes me a better poet.
Happens with me as well. The most productive time for me is during exams