Hope you like this, I got the inspiration for it while sitting in church. I must admit that after the idea hit me I didn't hear another word of the service and I pulled out my notebook and started writing right then an there.
I know, I'm a terrible person.
SIN
In every soul there is decay
That festers deep within.
It claws upon the very heart,
A wicked force, called sin.
Each sin adds yet another link
To a chain that ends in hell.
With each sin lower down you sink
In a dark and bottomless well.
Each sin, a drop of coal black ink
On silk so white and pure.
Sin, a cancer, slowly spreading,
Of which there is no cure.
So can there ever be a hope
Of paying this heavy debt?
Can the demand, of sin's leaded hand,
Be acknowledged and met?
Not by strength of yours or mine
For it is we that feed the beast.
Upon our lust, our rage, our hate,
This ravenous monster feast.
Our sin, a burden too cumbersome
For us alone to bear.
Does anyone hear our desperate cry
As we're dragged to the devil's lair?
Then comes the faultless one,
His countenance like the sun's warm glow.
He is willing to pay the price
For the fields of weeds you sow.
Will you accept the outstretched hand
He offers over the din?
Or will you reject the gift He gives
For the sinking sands of sin?
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137,978 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
I have reservations as to this work. It's original, and you are one of the only people I've ever met that can keep a consistent rhyme scheme, but it's repetitive and you don't expand on it as much as I'd like you to. Sin gives you the opportunity to work with the 7 deadly sins or make biblical or historical references to great sinners. It would have coloured the poem and made it feel more intricate and reflective of actual reality.
All in all, not a bad poem by any standards, but it has a lot of room for improvement.
Great poem, I really enjoyed it. Even though I'm not religious, I like the ethereal quality to this poem. You illustrate "Good" and "Bad" quite well here, and how our lusts of life obsess us (which I think is a good think, but that's just my opinion). Nicely done. Keep on going!
These two stanzas were great! This whole poem was, it's a great way to conclude a poem. Asking a question about something so true and serious. I loved this piece of art, great work!
Your sense of rhythm is remarkable and the poem really struck me. It is a long poem, but enjoyable to read. For the people who have felt the pain of sins and the heavy burden that they are will be touched deeply by this poem.
Wow, that was really good! I'm religious, and I think that you got the concept right on! I was not expecting you to turn it to Christ in the end, although, I probably should have
. Good job!!!
I must say..the topic is what really caught my attention. The steady bounce of rhymes enticed me as well. I thought what you put into the poem was meaningful--there were no unnecessary bits. The meter was constant, which is sometimes hard to do. I didn't feel any breaks in it while reading. Overall good job. No spelling or grammatical errors, very nice. Your style of poetry really kept me going, and not just because I share some of your same beliefs. Great poem. I look forward to other poetry by you.
This is a very good poem and I enjoyed reading it. In my opinion, it is flawless. I am surprised that you are willing to talk about sin so openly without blaming anyone, which is rather good in my opinion. There really isn't anything for me to say, but I did enjoy it.
-Nana
Wow, and I mean truly wow. I could easily right click to synonyms for the word wow and have knockout or sensation take this three letter word’s place but I will not. In your case, there is no word to describe just how much I related, loved, and admired this piece of writing.
If I was going to comment on anything in a reviewers mentality it would be that I would have liked to hear more from this line. I think for the closing part of this poem it was so powerful that this line, for me, may not have enough true and raw detail to help make the end even better than it already is...but thats just coming from me! Feel free to not listen or change a thing.
I also want to point out that I am the second Tori to comment on this piece
Keep on writing—
SnowBerry
Let me start by saying this is my favorite poem I have read on this site. As a christian, I am so glad there are people like you, writing poetry like this.
It's true and it's powerful. I don't have a single critisizing note. I love it. It flows perfectly. It's screaming truth all over it. And the fact that you got so inspired during church spreads the inspiration further.
Keep writing always-
~hopeispeace
I really loved this! You're amazing at rhyming and creating a rhyming scheme that you can stick too. I see no problems with this at all! It's simply brilliant, and church is a great place to get inspiration. You're a really good writer, keep on doing what you're doing.
HECKNAW.
I'm taking an internship--Monday thru Wednesday, I'm at a house of prayer all day attending classes that are like church, only we hafta pay attention and have a bit of homework and stuff.
I really only pay attention to the teacher periodically.
I'm actually gonna leave it at that. I know, horrible reviewing strategy. But with this sort of piece, you're going to get a lot of attention, so I'll just let others correct the little things. Unless you want me to give my opinion--then let me know, and I'll come back in a few days, see if you've revised it according to what others have said/if the things I saw have been fixed, and then comment.
Great job! God's really using you.
Hi there! I'm not into religious-type poems, but this was well-written, and I actually liked it. Here's the mistakes you should fix in red:
And then, there are few little changes I tihnk you could make to make this sound better and flow a little better, in blue:
Spoiler
Keep in mind; the stuff in the spoiler is just my suggestions. By no means do you have to take any of them. I just think the poem will flow a little better and sound a little nicer if a few of those changes were made.
So, in conclusion, I liked this poem! I'm not crazy about the whole subject matter, but religion is religion and people can believe whatever they want. I think you have a very clever rhyme scheme and you keep it fairly consistent, with just a few little places where it was a bit jumbled. Overall, nice job.
Keep writing!
-Tori
Ok, you talked me into it.
I'm going to put every two couplets together. The reason I didn't do this before was because I thought some of the lines were seperate ideas that wouldn't go well together. Anyway I'm going to give it a try now. Thanks everyone for the reviews. 
~Dragongirl
Wow, this is good. It's really powerful and emotional- I love how you described everything. It really made me stop and think.
I know someone already said it, but I love this line!
It's really simple yet strong. I could clearly see the image in my head.
This was awesome! Don't stop writing!
Hello Dragongirl!
First of all, I love Areida's suggestions above. They will make your poem soooo much better and it'll turn out to be really good, so definitely give those a good look through!
Now, I really like this poem because of its simplicity and tight rhyming scheme. Sometimes, such a thing doesn't work, but in your case it did, and I think that really makes this poem sound as strong as it is. You were definitely inspired in church!
Now, some people said that they didn't quite like the format. As for me, I didn't mind it being in couplets, but I wouldn't mind it being in the typical four lined stanzas. It doesn't really matter to me. But, I do like the strict sense of metering, definitely!
Now, a couple of other things...
In this stanza, you seem to use commas rather arbitrarily. If you took out all the commas, it would actually be grammatically correct. So, just take a good look at your comma use! I think you went a little comma crazy. Remember, if the commas wouldn't make sense if you put your lines in sentences, without the spaces to format it into a poem, you shouldn't put a comma in there!
Also, as Areida mentioned, "ravished" is not quite the word you are looking for, I think. Ravished kind of has an erotic connotation which implies that the theft is quite often forced and unwanted. Why would the beast be forced into that sort of thing? "Ravenous" is the word that you want. That means "hungry."
Anyway, nice stuff here! Like Areida, I would definitely agree with the whole putting your person into it... that would make this poem so much more real and interesting. Also, and this might just be me, but I wished Jesus was in this poem a little more. He only appears at the very end and... well... he's the reason why these sins are forgiven. So, I would like you to present him as more of a hero instead of the afterthought that he seems to be at the moment. But, I think that's just my bias coming in, lol! I like seeing Jesus as a hero, after all.
Nice stuff!
Such power of rhyme-scheme, all put in a Christian manner. You put the entire time period between the beginning of Cain to the sacrifice of Christ just nicely. Before Christ, we all have sinned. After Christ, we all are saved. You have touched this Protestant's heart. Keep writing for the sake of writing and you will have more works coming your way. God bless your heart.
Hey there Dragongirl -
I think someone else already mentioned it, but I highly agree that you should change up your spacing to make each of your stanzas four lines instead of two apiece. I found it awkward to have the space in between the rhyming lines; I think it's more intuitive to set it up so the rhymes are closer.
Another thing I struggled with while reading this poem was following your flow. This was where I first lost it:
It picked up again at at the turn, as you changed from the questioning and the descriptions of the bad things about sin and turned to a more hopeful note, but right here you lost me the first time and I had to reread.
Maybe try something like this:
Not by strength that's yours or mine,
For it is we that feed the beast.
Upon our lust, our rage, our hate,
This ravenous monster feasts.
I think you meant ravenous there. Double check the definition of ravished before you decide if that's the word you were going for.
Finally, consider making this more personal. You use some interesting imagery, but overall the poem never really grabbed me or forced me to consider anything I had never thought of before. But what if the author was just writhing in guilt over something he/she had done? This is the basis for much of Lord Byron's poem Manfred, and for years scholars have speculated about what could have left Manfred, or even Lord Byron himself, so wracked with guilt. Toss in that extra element of mystery, and I really think you'll improve your piece.
Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
Ari
Wow! That's so good, girlio! I really did enjoy reading it, considering I don't read that much poetry. (Insert an ashamed face.) And, I might as well confess, I also have sudden 'lightbulbs' in church, and start scribbling away on my notepad. Lol. Wait a minute... So *THAT'S* what you were doing! And I thought you were taking notes!
This is so extraordinarily powerful! As a Christian, this really, really spoke to me and I was captivated. Sin is a monster we all feed, and I have yet found a better way of describing it as you've done here. I read it as a story, hoping and praying that you'd end it with something about finding salvation in Jesus! This was so intense!
This piece is absolutely glorious.
Keep it up! I want to see more from you.
~H.
P.S. I'm *following* you. : )
Heyy there =]. I really liked this poem and the way you laid it out was interesting. The rhythm was pretty good, but there were a few parts that were a bit messy. What I do if I'm not sure on my rhythm, is I clap with each count, sort of like with music, I don't know if that makes sense. But you're poem has a steady four count I think. And most of it is absolutely flawless, but theres just a few spots that have one more syllable than necessary or one less. Change those and you should be good as gold =] And also, take my comment as a grain of salt, nothing absolutely Has to be done to it, its just a suggestion. Nicely done =]]
Wowzers! I haven't read a poem this willing to talk about sin. And it is terrific! Very emotional without angrily pointing fingers to people. You put yourself in there. Like you know that you too are a sinner. And including yourself like that with the 'our's and the 'yours and mine' makes the reader feel more connected to you. That's a really hard thing to do and you achieved it!
The only thing I would have to say is that it would be nice to have less space between each stanza. Maybe try putting every two stanzas together. So that the lines that rhyme will be closer together and make the flow nicer. Though it is very nice already.
Great work! Keep writing.
HAPPY REVIEW DAY! : )
Hi there,
This is extremely well done! You really seem to have a grasp of poetry, rhyme, and meter. Good job! One thing I would suggest is for you to combine each couplet. Right now, the two lines in each couplet don't rhyme, but every two stanzas do. That doesn't really work, technically speaking. If you combined the couplets so that each stanza was four lines long and ABAB then it would be more correct.
With that out of the way, I really couldn't find anything wrong with this. You are very consistent, I agree with kjw123 that you've done a great job painting pictures and using beautiful words. I'm not a believer in god, but I think that you did a great job summing my impression of Him up. Really fantastic work!
*hits "like" and "follow"*
Sare
I'd just like to start off with, "Wow!" This poem is amazing. You keep the rhyme scheme consistent. There's nothing wrong with writing during church. Some of my most amazing inspirations came from my pastor's sermons, and my notebook is always right beside me in case I just can't wait until he's done speaking. The imagery you use is fantastic. My favorite line is this one:
"Each sin, a drop of coal black ink
on silk so white and pure."
The picture in my head is clear as day. The vocabulary is exquisite. So many wonderful words in one poem. You're a great writer. I'm glad to get the opportunity to review you today. Keep on Writin'.
Hello! What a brilliant and well-written poem! I must say, you have quite a knack for writing poetry. Well, so far. I'd have to look at your other poems that you have done.
First off, I MUST give you kudos for keeping your rhyme scheme consistent! I've always come across people who don't follow the rule, rhyme or don't rhyme, which means you either keep going with your rhyming scheme or you don't. Congrats! You've made me happy! For example,
"In every soul there is decay
That festers deep within.
It claws upon the very heart,
A wicked force, called sin."
Again, I really like the rhyme scheme you kept consistent! Great job! I also like how you have a very good vocabulary. Your vocabulary is pretty complex, such as "ravish," "cumbersome," and "countenance." Very interesting vocabulary! I also like how your poem is very concrete and has imagery in it. For example,
"Each sin, a drop of coal black ink
on silk so white and pure.
Sin, a cancer, slowly spreading,
Of which there is no cure."
These two verses really show how concrete the poem is and how the poem has very visual imagery. Great job! Although, on the second to last line in the last verse of the poem, you wrote "he." I think you meant "He" because the speaker is talking about God. That's the only thing I wanted to point out because well... this poem is really good. As I said, this is a great poem! Hope you keep writing poetry!
I like this! Your rhythm is smooth for the majority of the piece, and I like how you got inspired in church, it really shows! I don't have too much to critique on, except maybe with the transition from the statements to the questions in your 7th stanza. It was a little choppy, might want a smoother transition into the different aspect of your poem. I also really like your figurative language, especially the last line's alliteration "sinking sands of sin".
Very good job, keep writing!
<3 Sara