Hey everyone! It has been forever since I was on here. Hope you all like the poem. It was different for me to write because of my choice not to rhyme this time. Any feed back would be awesome.
Confetti Heart.
So you like me.
What does that mean?
Do you want me?
What are the words between our lines?
***
Time, glances, soft laughter, shared moments.
Till something shifts the slightest bit,
And then it is different.
A heat like goose bumps on both our skin.
***
Now there are questions;
Does dinner merit a hug; or is it a kiss?
Is a movie with popcorn code for make-out session?
Everything is new.
***
We’ve been dating three weeks
I have to let you at least cop a feel.
Honestly, if there is nothing physical
Than what’s the appeal?
***
Personality? Really?
Hardly a factor.
We’ll only be young once,
And tomorrow is an eternity away .
***
Give you pieces of my body
Confetti from a paper heart,
Till you have it all
And there is nothing left of me.
***
Then you leave.
And the heat of your tire tracks burns them.
Every last scrap of me,
And I am left in your exhaust,
The taste of ash on my lips.
Thanks for reading.
-DG
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139,496 Literary Works • 672,585 Reviews
Hello Dragongirl! Here as requested. Apologies for the delay.
I'm not sure what you're referring to, here. Are you referring to hidden messages in someone's words? Or the metaphor "read between the lines"? I'm afraid I was a bit lost with this line.
If these are worth mentioning, then slow down and focus on them. Already, I feel that this poem is about two lovers, so this line has significance with stating the ways they fell in love and/or spent time together. I suggest you go back and split this line into four parts. Express each one, focus on them, highlight how it was important. Add imagery and emotion to strengthen it, because right now, it's weak. I feel like I'm reading a grocery list, not an account of someone's time with their lover.
"A heat like goose bumps"? This makes no sense. Revise it.
Rather than dinner, go with a date. Sounds more romantic and helps set the scene in the reader's mind. A dinner could be McDonald's for all we know.
Your strongest stanzas were the last two. Those were when you kicked up the imagery a knock. The other stanzas fall pretty flat. Now, I'm glad that you didn't try to force a rhyme scheme, but still, these stanzas are in need of some color. Imagery would do wonders to this. Also, emotion. From what I gather, this is a poem about a girl whose boyfriend used her and then left her. Right? So there's gotta be anger, sadness, regret, pain, etc. underneath all of that. This poem should have more emotion than it should.
Overall, I think you did a good job with keeping the story constant throughout the entire poem. The stanzas connected nicely and each one focused on a specific part of the story, going from the beginning of their love to when he left and how she felt afterwards. I enjoyed reading it so thank you for sharing.
I hope this helps.
~Iggy
You are really good at writing. I am looking forward to reading your other poems and or pieces now. I really like your use of punctuation and emotion your incorporated in your poem. The ending is sad but it is still cute and sweet. It also has a lot of thoughts and actions that would be in an actual romantic relationship, which is really refreshing from all the fluffy romances. No offence to anyone who writes them because I know I definitely do. Overall, great writing, like I said I can't wait to read more.
Keep up the great writing!
-Roxie Rain
Hi, DragonGirl(aka DG)! This is pinkie here for a review! I like to be your reviewer if you don't mind.
Like FiguringOutLife said, I enjoyed this poem that you have that. It is very interesting to read and listens to the words that is flowing to my mind. You did a great job on it and made me amused to your poem! However, you need to work your poem. I am not a poet, but you made it kind of off like FiguringOutLife said. But you do make it readable to read it. I like it, DG(If you mind calling you that). I hope to read more from you.
Awesome Job and Keep on Writing!
I hope my review helps you and makes you very happy!
Cheers,
Your reviewer, Pinkiegirl13
This was really interesting to read. I don't see a lot like this, and it was refreshing!
We’ll only be young once,
So just live a little.
The 'just live a little' seemed off for me here. It sort of stuck out from the rest of the poem, like it didn't belong. I like what you're trying to say there, but I think if you said it a different way, it would be more appealing to read. Just my opinion though
I liked how you drew the connection with the 'confetti from a paper heart.' It really made me think about what you were trying to say, and made the poem that much deeper.
The only other thing I saw was -
And I am left in your exhaust with the taste of ash on my lips.
It's a great last line, but it seems a little too long. Maybe if you broke it up, or added another stanza? Again, just my opinion
Overall, I really liked it! Wonderful job!