This is my first time to put any thing on YWS. Hope you like it.
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139,495 Literary Works • 672,584 Reviews
i really like that poem, that's really all i can say.
KEEP IT UP!!
,writingaway
Time for me to link two reviews together, aww yeah! I really enjoyed this piece , much more than I did your piece Sin. While both are very well written with an experienced touch and excellent voice this captured me in a way sin didn't. You use a flow here that does not rely on a forced rhymescheme, while the piece rhymes it doesn't take it to be a major impact on the flow, or overly familiar imagery (link chains of sin for example). While son composed of beautiful lines such as the stain upon white silk its beauty and darkness was sporadic.
Here you capture the reader with beautiful images of moonlight and while the moon is used to death in many poems your voice carries this through. There's an almost lyrical calm, a serenity , to this work that really interested me and combining that voice with a flow unrestricted is what adds to this piece.
Loved the pink kiss to the sky line.
There should be a comma after "for a breath" as it is a moment in time then remarked upon.
Either way, well done
This is so pretty! I love the image it brings and you did good rhyming. I suck at that:/
You are such an amazing writer.
"Moonlight" is a beautiful poem. I don't even know how to explain how much I love it. I'm speechless. You have created a WONDERFUL piece of poetry. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
~Me
Quite a beautiful poem actually. I like the wording and you do a great job making the metaphor flow very well. Keep working.
I was so happy to see this poem on here! The last time I read it was when it was at the fair with that big ribbon on it!
I still love it so much!!!
Thanks for the reviews.
I went back and fixed some of the mess-ups. Some one wrote they thought it should be "Step" not "Stop softly in to the moonlight". That is what I meant to write "Step" not "Stop". Thanks for pointing that out.
~Dragongirl
Hello there and welcome to YWS!
I love this!
So generally this poem is really good. It's a great idea that you've got going on here. However, I think that although there's nothing really wrong with your choice of words, you had too many ideas to refer to the 'moonlight'; so much so that you did not completely develop them in a way that I'd be completely satisfied (phew, you can breathe now). What I'm trying to say is that sometimes it felt like I was bouncing from place to place because your ideas did not really connect. It's not that bad though, but it took some 'feeling' away from it. And it could have been fantastic.
This was really goo though.
Keep writing and good luck!
good... keep up the good work...
Hello there. :3
Welcome to YWS! Hope you like it here.
Nitpicks:
You give a good start to your poem. It sounds good and calm. I really like the alliteration “sweet secrets”. The images you create are also so soothing. But some mistakes to point. I think that in the first line it should be “Step softly into the moonlight” and in the last line it will “moon”, I guess you mistyped there.
In the second line here, there should be a comma after lady because if you read it together without the comma it sounds really odd. So a comma is required there to make it sound more sensible and meaningful. The last line is good and does not have problems but it tends to kind of meddle with the flow.
This stanza did not make any impression on me. it is good, it sounds sensible and even is in rhythm but it does not have the felling into it that would make me love it or praise it. Here again I like the alliteration, “lucid lagoon”. But, twin to the moon? Does not quite fit in.
It will be “moonbeams” there in the first line. Add a comma after the first line. The second line feels a bit incomplete. Let the reader know on what the moonbeam casts the lace upon. Add a comma after breath in the third line. And why does the narrator race through the moonlight?
It was good poem. Just a few mistakes which can be easily taken care of! I like the way you stayed intact with your rhyme scheme and the flow of the poem. I hope my review helps. If you have any queries just let me know.
Keep writing.
You've created some beautiful imagery, I would suggest some constructive criticism but I can't think of anything that could improve on what you have.