In class my mind wanders
to roam to Rome
Ancients and battles, to Rome.
I mingle with monsters
Cause havoc with heroes
Then dally with demigods in Rome
To Rome, to roam, whilst my class whiles away
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140,135 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hi there Dragonwriter22. This is Kays here dropping in for a review with a sore throat that came with waking up and a sore throat that I hope to disappear with time. Without further ado, let's review.
I don't mind this poem? There's nothing that says that this is particularly wrong in my mind on first impression but on the other hand, there's not a strong quality that stands out either. That's probably my first and foremost critique that I have off of what I've read--there's nothing here that stands out. If there's any issue with the poem right off the bat because there aren't any issues that I hold heavily with the actual content, the issue is the wording and diction.
With short poetry, wording, diction and flow are all co-morbid in that while the first two may be synonyms, all of these terms possess a couple main traits. In short, wording is important in short poetry because the poem is short and if the poem is messed up or executed in a way that isn't all that strong in the allotted amount of words, the rest of the piece isn't going to be all that great either. There's a very large pro that can also be seen in duality as a large con in poetry of short nature--there's not as much room to have more chinks in the armor as longer poetry but in contrast, if the words written don't stand out or aren't all that impactful or powerful, the short piece ends up being a little bland. More opportunities to go right with long poetry and more opportunities to go wrong while in short poetry there are less of both and there's a lesser chance of a redeeming factor later in the poem.
Wow, that ended up being longer than I expected. Moving on, I enjoyed the fact that this is short because simplicity comes with that as DarkPandemonium points out. I enjoyed that. Rewording especially in the last line as Dark suggests is a great idea to beef this poem up and to make this more flowing. The concepts here and the subject matter with demigods and ancients and battles leaves a similar tone that lurks in the back of my throat as I swallow these words down--easily another strength to have for the word choice and to have the subject matter to be consistent.
'Reworking for wording can make the simplistic lines of the poem pop a bit more which I'm going to suggest and overall, not bad. The daydreaming tone is quite nice and while there's not spectacular imagery or the most impactful words or strong metaphor, I can't say the poem does nothing right looking over this again because I found this easy and nice. Nice job on that.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Hi, DragonWriter22. Pan dropping in for a quick review.
I don't critique poetry very often, but yours captured my interest. I like the simplicity of the language and the alliterative elements - I especially like the 'to roam to Rome' refrain, because it gives the poem a lovely musicality. I'm going to take segments of the poem and comment on them in turn. Some of my points will be quite picky, but that's only because it's a good piece.
It's a strong opening - the line break is in the right place and it reads nicely. The only thing I'd raise is that 'my mind wanders to roam' is a slightly awkward expression - it feels like you've got two verbs describing the same act of getting lost in thought. If you had:
In class my mind wanders
to Rome to roam.
This would make more grammatical sense while still preserving the exact same rhythm and refrain. It would also match with the last line, which would provide a nice symmetry. It's your call if you change it, but I think it reads more easily this way.
These two lines aren't bad, but they're probably the weakest in the piece. 'To Rome' feels a bit out of place here - I almost feel like it should be 'in Rome', because 'in Rome my mind mingles with monsters' makes more sense than 'to Rome my mind mingles with monsters'.
The second line is also a bit too heavy on the alliteration for me. The alliteration in the following two lines is pleasant and subtle, but 'my mind mingles with monsters' feels like it's stepping into tongue-twister territory. There's something about 'm' that is harder to wrap your lips around repeatedly, so when I read the poem aloud I come unstuck a little on that line. Obviously, this is a very subjective point, so if you like the alliteration in that line don't change it on my behalf, but I thought I'd make you aware of it even so.
Generally strong finish to the poem. No gripes with lines one and two, but I think that 'whilst my class whiles away' feels a bit tacked on. It only reiterates what we already know and throws the rhythm off, in my opinion. If you deleted it and just had:
Creates havoc with heroes
Then dallies with demigods in Rome
To Rome, to roam.
Having read the poem aloud, I find that my mouth wants to stop after 'to roam'. It's up to you, but whatever you decide, the last line does need adapting to have more punch and conclusiveness.
I hope this review helped! It's a nice poem - it's almost haiku-like in the sense that it captures a very small topic and sums it up in only a handful of lines, but it also incorporates an ebbing sort of rhythm that really suits the wistfulness of the poem. As a first draft, it's great; it just needs a bit of tweaking to bring out the best in it.
Keep writing!
~Pan