Clean Palette

by DragonWriter22

Published August 4, 2016

E - Everyone

In Poems

Class is done
Twenty pairs of hands
And one hundred little fingers
Have painted
A rainbow
A dragon
A flower
A tree
These now dry
On a solid metal rack
There is cleaning to do

The myriad of colors
Smudged and mixed
While still pure
Sit drying in the palette
Not for long
Under the spray they go
First red
Then orange
Creating pools of scarlet and blood
Before swirling together to mirror the sun outside

Yellow follows
And magenta
The sun is setting
The paint spreads
flooding the stark metal sink with color
The wings of a butterfly form
Briefly, before green takes over
A grassy plain, but then
Black oil floods the scene
Now a toxic swamp

The paint drains
Blue is turned under the foaming waterfall
The sink is now an ocean
Colored paint, stuck to the bottom
Are fish and coral
A shower of pink cherry blossoms
Mixed with the crystal blue water
Now the purple robe of an emperor
Drapes elegantly in soft silk ripples

Comments & reviews · 3
User avatar
Ejay1806
Comment
Ejay1806 commented Comment · Aug 4, 2016

Well , your poem has got so many splashes of colour that it just lifted my sullen spirits . You made my day :) Now, let's plunge headlong into the review . I think the poem is really sweet , although punctuation needs to be worked up a bit

I'm glad you liked it!

Thanks :) Would love it if you reviewed one of my works too :)

User avatar
Rydia
Review
Rydia wrote a review Review · Aug 4, 2016

Hey there, thought I'd take a look at this!

Specifics

1. I think this has a very prosaic style to it which makes the flow a little slow and not quite as fun as it could be. This is a poem about colours and painting and it feels like the first stanza should mimic that kind of messy, colourful scene which is a classroom at the end of the day. Maybe something like:

Class is done
Twenty pairs of small hands
And one hundred smeared fingers
have painted
soaring rainbows over finger flowers,
trees with knuckles
sprouting in their bark
and a green dragon,
one thumb for every scale and hands spread like wings
over the drying rack.

I don't think you need the last line about cleaning needing to be done as the next stanza then describes the mess and I think the paintings themselves are a more interesting focus for setting the scene.

2. Love the colour descriptions in the second stanza but I think you could lose a few of the excess words and have the lines flow a bit more quickly. You could also make your word choice a little more interesting, like:

While still pure
lay crusting in the palette,
then under the spray they go
First red

3. The third and fourth stanzas are beautiful - great imagery!

Overall

This starts a little slowly but the end stanzas are wonderful and you really start to dig into the colourful imagery by then. I think it's a lovely theme and overall a good read - nice work!

All the best with this,

~Heather

Thank you for the review!

User avatar
felistia
Review
felistia wrote a review Review · Aug 4, 2016

Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. :D

Nit-picks

And there is cleaning to do
This line didn't sit well with me and sort of disturbed the flow of the piece. Maybe take out the "and".

Grammar and Punctuation

Another thing that made your rhythm a bit off was your lack of punctuation. Since taking punctuation advice from me is going to be a complete disaster, here's a excellent article on poetry punctuation https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=152&t=105362
I couldn't find any problems with grammar. :D


Overall thoughts

Theme: Some people may tell you that this poem doesn't have substance and that there isn't enough emotion, but I think it's pretty much perfect. Sometimes it's nice to just read a light hearted poem with out having to look for deeper meanings or dark emotions. I really loved the colourful theme you took on in this poem. It had me smiling at all the wonderful colours and descriptions you had going through the poem. It was a simple and creative poem that was delivered beautifully. I would have never thought of writing a poem about washing paint down a sink. The only problem I had really was that the poem felt like it was unfinished. The last line just doesn't feel like it should be the last line. Maybe that's just me though. See what other reviewers have to say before changing it.

Rhythm: You had good rhythm for the most part. I pointed out the problems in the beginning for the review. I thought you did a good job with keeping the rhythm fast paced and steady. I looked for a rhyme scheme, but I don't think there is one. Overall I thought you did a good job especially since there wasn't a rhyme scheme.

Description: Now for the meat of the poem; the description. You did an excellent job of describing the colours as they flowed down the sink. Spatters here, maybe a drop there. It was like you were painting a picture inside the sink. And I loved all the comparisons. This was my favourite part
Blue is turned under the foaming waterfall
The sink is now an ocean
Colored paint, stuck to the bottom
Are fish and coral
It was such a creative way of putting things. :D

Overall it was a great poem and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night. :D

Your friend, Felistia. :D

This review courtesy of Image

Thank you so much for the review!



it's ok, death by laughter was always how i've wanted to go out
— Carina