intangible death

An extremely emotive piece. I really loved the personal touches that you have added to this poem. Personally, I have suffered with grief but of people who still exist, and this poem really reaches out to my past.

Oh! I love this whole concept of how much harder it is to heal/come to terms with wounds when there's not physical, tangible sign that harm's been done. I read the first line, "my wounds are intangible", and I thought to myself I have no idea what that means or looks like, and then I realized that was the point. It's such a powerful first line.

I love the metaphor of the vegetative state, comparing this heart break to like your soul is in a coma, so it doesn't appear like life is lost, but something critical is missing.

I get a bit confused in the second half of the poem who the "you" is, whether it is still the other person. I don't understand why the narrator, who has kind of painted themselves as a victim up until this point, could be easily beguiling the other person's ego. For a couple lines there, I'm confused how they fit in with the poem as a whole.

I love the commentary at the end about whether the thing that causes the end of something is a part of that thing as a whole. However, I think it's losing some of the lyrical and rhythmic quality you've set up in the first half of the poem. Perhaps this is on purpose? However, I'm not really sure why.

Overall, it's a lovely poem, I can tell you put a lot of effort into word choice, and it really pays off here!

Woah this poem was really a whirl-wind! I think you intended to put all these contradictory images together to create a strange disorienting impact for the reader, and at first I found it confusing, but as I read on, I realized that I believe your images are purposely contradictory.

In those first few lines you say the soul is intangible, and then go right into describing it tangibly, next you talk about a heart crushed ... but only figuratively. The images just keep second-guessing themselves, so the reader almost has to back-read to find out what's happening. Later the poem continues the back and forth by the images of innocent vs crime and end/goodbye vs not-final/life.

Overall, I like the effect of the poem, but I think the contradictory back-and-forth was less-so in the second half of the poem, and I'm not sure actually complimented the underlying narrative. I also think you could simplify your language a bit and make your imagery more specific. There are a few great and specific images, like, "committed murder with invisible fingerprints" but then other lines and statements feel really generic like you're really dancing around what you actually want to say.

Keep on writing and experimenting with poetry! Good luck!

alliyah

This is a great poem. I can definitely feel the hurt the writer is feeling. But lines like, "you've stolen my soul from me, committed murder with..." I think you could change the wording here to make it more subtle than it is now.
I really like the last four lines. And overall, I think you did a great job!

My page breaks disappear when I publish my works :/