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non-lethal killing

by Desdemona


you’ve killed me now

not with a knife, but with your words

with the pity you hold in your eyes

i was not worth your pains

it seems i was too much for you

i did not mean to burden you so

where i found my everlasting happiness,

you found naught but sorrow and gloom

we are two people of different worlds

you unencumbered, free as a bird

and me, chained down, wings clipped

how could you even love me

and so, I remain as you fly off

my gaze never leaving your back,

whereas your gaze is focused forward

uncaring about those you’ve left behind.

i’m sorry i was so devoted to you,

i didn’t choose to be shackled here,

i only chose to love you,

It seems it was a poor choice to make


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1137 Reviews


Points: 44770
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Sun Jun 23, 2019 10:54 pm
JabberHut wrote a review...



Hello!

I love how emotional your piece is, and it's so very relatable. The message gets across very clearly, and you have some really strong vocabulary here. It actually hit pretty close to home for me today, so kudos for capturing the grief in words here.

And gosh, that opening line is so powerful.

I think the punctuation is kind of sporadic/random. In this case, I'd actually consider using punctuation through the entire piece, which means punctuating proper sentences with periods and proper capitalization. The poem is less imagery and more narrative, so it would simply help the flow and train of thought by using full stops properly.

you found naught but sorrow and gloom

we are two people of different worlds

you unencumbered, free as a bird

and me, chained down, wings clipped


I really like what you did here. The metaphor is incredible, the imagery really well done. The metaphor's even referred to later with great word choice, so I have to say good job, in my personal opinion. :D

Going back to the message, I think it's still pretty solid. There's this idea, though, where the speaker says they're shackled to this person while saying he chose to be there. So it leads to this idea that while the speaker wanted to be there with this person, the speaker was ultimately trapped and couldn't get out. But the start of this poem assumes that the person wanted to get away from the speaker. Like here:

i was not worth your pains

it seems i was too much for you

i did not mean to burden you so

where i found my everlasting happiness,

you found naught but sorrow and gloom


This seems to indicate that the speaker was too much for the person, and the person eventually had enough, said Bad Things, and wanted out.

i’m sorry i was so devoted to you,

i didn’t choose to be shackled here,

i only chose to love you,


This seems to indicate that the speaker chose to be with this person but was ultimately trapped with this person and wanted out.

So I'm left a little confused as to what the story or scenario actually is, who's feeling what, who hurt who, etc. It sounds like a very sad situation with very unfortunate circumstances, leaving both parties depressed and hurt. Unfortunately, I can't seem to nail down exactly who is who in this scenario, so a little more clarity might help the idea come through clearer!

It's the only thing that I really caught, and this could just be me, so heed your other readers as well. :D You really have such a great start here, though. So definitely some polishing up to get your message across will do it justice, and I think I still believe in the punctuation being useful here. All up to you in the end though!

Great job! Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!




Desdemona says...


Hello! Thank you for your lovely review. I'm sorry if my message was unclear, it's about a girl who's "chained" to a place, and a boy who's free to do as he pleases. The girl is not free to follow to boy, who gets bored after a while and decides to leave.



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Points: 9455
Reviews: 93

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Sun Jun 23, 2019 9:09 am
silvermoon17 wrote a review...



I think your poem is really beautiful. And I’ll say it, entrancing. You do a really good job with the catchphrase at the beginning (you’ve killed me now) which is great, but you actually keep our attention until the end. That’s probably why the rhythm runs so smoothly, and the rhymes don’t seem to matter anymore. I have little to say to you, but I still think rhymes would really leave us with a higher feeling of satisfaction. You might also use comparison. I mean, you do use that; in the part where you say that you are a bird with wings clipped to the ground (I think the exact line is)
*you unencumbered, free as a bird
And me, chained down, wings clipped
How could you even love me
And so, I remain as you fly off
My gaze never leaving your back*
Etc
And for a point, these are the lines which make us relate the most to how you feel. Unlike other poems I’ve reviewed or yet to review (not to say that all of them are wrong), you actually use comparison in such way we can understand and feel and (well yes, relate) whatever feeling you have. We get an image. Exactly. Maybe some more imagery, but truly; you poem is unique and great in it’s own way.
P.S you’ve just earned a like and a follower ^^
Keep up the good work!





Only the suppressed word is dangerous.
— Ludwig Borne