Hello!
I love how emotional your piece is, and it's so very relatable. The message gets across very clearly, and you have some really strong vocabulary here. It actually hit pretty close to home for me today, so kudos for capturing the grief in words here.
And gosh, that opening line is so powerful.
I think the punctuation is kind of sporadic/random. In this case, I'd actually consider using punctuation through the entire piece, which means punctuating proper sentences with periods and proper capitalization. The poem is less imagery and more narrative, so it would simply help the flow and train of thought by using full stops properly.
you found naught but sorrow and gloom
we are two people of different worlds
you unencumbered, free as a bird
and me, chained down, wings clipped
I really like what you did here. The metaphor is incredible, the imagery really well done. The metaphor's even referred to later with great word choice, so I have to say good job, in my personal opinion.
Going back to the message, I think it's still pretty solid. There's this idea, though, where the speaker says they're shackled to this person while saying he chose to be there. So it leads to this idea that while the speaker wanted to be there with this person, the speaker was ultimately trapped and couldn't get out. But the start of this poem assumes that the person wanted to get away from the speaker. Like here:
i was not worth your pains
it seems i was too much for you
i did not mean to burden you so
where i found my everlasting happiness,
you found naught but sorrow and gloom
This seems to indicate that the speaker was too much for the person, and the person eventually had enough, said Bad Things, and wanted out.
i’m sorry i was so devoted to you,
i didn’t choose to be shackled here,
i only chose to love you,
This seems to indicate that the speaker chose to be with this person but was ultimately trapped with this person and wanted out.
So I'm left a little confused as to what the story or scenario actually is, who's feeling what, who hurt who, etc. It sounds like a very sad situation with very unfortunate circumstances, leaving both parties depressed and hurt. Unfortunately, I can't seem to nail down exactly who is who in this scenario, so a little more clarity might help the idea come through clearer!
It's the only thing that I really caught, and this could just be me, so heed your other readers as well.
You really have such a great start here, though. So definitely some polishing up to get your message across will do it justice, and I think I still believe in the punctuation being useful here. All up to you in the end though!Great job! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
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Reviews: 1464
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