your love is naught but a cold fire
a scalding shard of ice straight through my heart
and still i chase you, desperate,
blinded by the lie i keep telling myself
clearly, you’re so warm that you freeze me
when in reality, you burn because you’re cold
and such is love,
when our realities cross and merge,
when your flaws disappear into thin air,
when in reality, each passing day turns us into strangers
what can a man do but cry
perhaps he can try.
But to try is all that he can do.
you’re a monster, disguised as a dream by a traitor,
the biggest traitor,
by my own mind and soul,
and I will not truly see it until the day
my very skin flakes off me in my grave,
perhaps it’s because I’m happy here,
living in a dream that will never come to pass.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
Hi! I would like to begin by saying that this is really, actually, a really good poem. Simply excellent. Which means something from me, or maybe not, but it should because I don't like poetry on average. Something about being a low-empathy individual or some other nonsense will typically prevent me from connecting to the emotions in poetry the way one is meant to, so I just don't get anything out of it usually, but I didn't really have that problem with this one.
Maybe it's something in the style, or maybe it's just metaphorical ghosts of my past finding a way to revisit me through your words (which would also have something to do with the style in which you wrote them), but either way, this one really got to me.
The only small nitpick I have is this line, "when in reality, you burn because you’re cold"
It just feels...off, to me. I don't know why or how to fix it, it was just the only thing that I could take issue with in this poem. (I would consider maybe adjusting the syllable count or something? That is, if you actually feel the need to change anything at all).
So, yeah, great job.
Goodbye and happy writing!
Hi,
I'm going to start by giving a review. The poem overall was great it contained a lot of not imagery but feelings and emotions laced within the descriptions. I loved the overall feel and meaning that the poem seemed to be exerting. It's such a broad topic that can draw everyone in and relate to lots of people and readers in their own life's. There are punctuation mistakes throughout and theres an excess use of commas but thats very normal actually. Maybe next time while writing a poem use less commas. I feel like commas belong at the end of the line but in the middle they don't always seem to help with the flow. Theres many sentences where I feel like commas are used to seperate two ideas which would go better if there wasn't a comma and the ideas could flow together to hep engage the readers attention and feeling. The next part that I want to review is the ending. An ending should give the biggest overall feeling that a reader should get from the lesson that is learned in the poem so as they get to the end they should be able to feel how in this poem for example of how things can be decieving but its bound to happen and reading the last sentence should give that feeling which this one does but it messes with the flow so maybe rewording would help make it more engaging and help the overall ending and what the poem is summing up. Anyways thankyou so much for writing and it is a very good poem with a lot of feeling and I really hope to see more work from you soon. Sorry for how long the review was. Have an amazing day.
Hi there @Desdemona I am here to do a little review on your poem here,
This is true all right, I love the contested of it, it really nice with how you started this poem, and finished it, just this is a nice line here.So your description is grate, I can feel like you must have been made or something when you wrote this or it was just out of your on mind that it came though like this, sorry if i am getting to nosy I am just cores of what mood you were feeling when you wrote this, I hope your okay and not to stressed out about stuff.
Anyways moving on to
Lovely way of expressing a mosh-ens and putting your sowl and heart into it. your description is grate, but say I do have something you can do with this line, I just felt like that needed one more word to it.
Well This is a great poem to read, I hope you have a grate Day/Night
The Raven @Zeltornintha
just wow so emotive so captivating so heartbreakingly breathtaking. you litertaly lighted my room you filled me with complte shock that you can write like the way you did shows you have a future in writing and I hope that you continue to write because you have an emotive voice which is , strong and deep and I feel like I was the one who wrote it because it spoke to me and let out real emotions and that's hard to do well done
10/10