Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hi there!
I really liked this for how you told a story in three different, unique ways.
In the first part, it does deliver the basic information, and you don't dilly dally through it either, perfectly fitting that part into the 5-7-5 structure.
The second part changes dramatically, with it being a cry for help. And the morse code really does make you feel like you've received the message yourself. Although when I translated it (yeah I used a translator because I do not know morse and am lazy) it was in all caps and the only space was between the first and second lines...This really only added to it for me, making it more desperate and rushed.
The third part...simply just raises questions. Is it just there as a thematic element? If so, what? If not, then it still raises questions as to what the frack is going on.
All in all, a good haiku. Most haikus are either about nature, or just written for the laughs, but you have found a way to tell a very clever story.
Keep writing, and good luck!
.. - .... .. -. -.- -- -.-- ..-. .- ...- --- .-. .. - . --- ..-. - .... . - .... .-. . . .-- .- ... - .... . .--. --- . -- .. -. -- --- .-. ... . -.-. --- -.. . .-.-.- ..- ... ..- .- .-.. .-.. -.-- -. --- - .- ..-. .- -. --- ..-. .... .- .. -.- ..- .--. --- . - .-. -.-- --..-- -... ..- - - .... . ... . .-- . .-. . ...- . .-. -.-- .-- . .-.. .-.. -.-. .-. .- ..-. - . -..
Very creative.
Gosh, just think. If everyone were to write a paragraph in morse code, we'd all have 50-point comments in no time xD
Again, great write
I have a lot of criticism for the haiku . The thing that bothered me the most was the third haiku, seeing as I could make nothing out of it:
I simply can't understand the connection between the two lines.Furthermore, I have a problem with all of your haiku because it doesn't give the feeling of a haiku, but rather a feeling that a sentence or two were cut to fit the haiku format (Although it was less prominent in the Morse code haiku).
Beyond that I commend you for trying your hand at haiku, and I hope that you will continue to write haiku (only try to follow a more orthodox approach, Basho would be a great example).
So at first I didn't feel like trying to crack the code and was going to go the easy way, but I eventually did so, lol. Took me a while, but I got it. Liked it when I could recognize them easier after looking at them after a while.
.- -. -.-- .-- .-- --- -. -.. . .-. ..-. ..- .-.. .-.. .--- --- -...
.. .- ... --- .-.. ..- - . .-.. -.-- .-.. --- ...- . -.. - .... . ..--- -. -.. ... - .- -. --.. .-
- .... .- -. -.- ... ..-. --- .-. - .... . --. --- --- -.. .-. . .- -..
.... .. -... .. ... -.-. ..- ...
Haha, I can't believe I actually cracked it. XD It took me about 45 minutes to... Anyways, I like your haiku. Its short, but covers the important stuff and tells a story. Very nice idea of having us try to crack the code. It seemed appropriate for the poem. so all in all, --. .-. . .- - .--- --- -... ! .... --- .--. . -.-- --- ..- -.- . . .--. .. - ..- .--.!
Concise, simple, with great humor in it. I absolutely loved it. c:
NO ONE ELSE HAS SEEN
THE SUN FROM WHERE WE LIE NOW
COME AND RESCUE US
Initially, I thought it was: Come and rehcuecus. You see, I mixed up the four-dot 'H' with the three dot 'S'and managed somehow to slip and extra 'C' in there somehow. (I thought your links would contain spoilers, so I went and googled a key from the internet and spent five minutes deciphering it. Turns out, one of those link had the image I needed. Fudge buckets.)
I love the third part, since it puts the realistic taste (no pun intended, but it was good one, no?) on being shipwrecked. You don't find a coconut tree and make yourself a leaf hut...you eat your fellow men or die. Then again, it depends on where you've been shipwrecked, but since these are Japanese sailors (implied from the use of haiku) then they're definitely in trouble.
Arghh, I can't find anything wrong with it really, I'm just rambling. Kudos!
hey it's really good
i really liked it
i didn't really get the second part though, all i see are lines. but good job on the rest.
keep on writing! <3
Hahaha, this is funny!
I loved the first one, thought the third one was the gross, and kind of had a love/hate relationship with the second one. I love it because I'm a licensed amateur radio operator and so I've grown up with Morse code all my life. However, when I was reading it, I was thinking of it as dadit dadadah, etc., and that has five syllables. I would really like to see you stay in haiku format using the original Morse Code.
Still! Love!
This is beautifully gross and glorious.
I love the first and third haiki (is this really the plural? I like it!).
The second, while I do applaud your method in the second haiku - I don't think I've ever seen it used like this before! - I do have an issue with the words themselves. The last line I find entirely unneeded, and I think it hinders the rest of what you've done. I think the use of Morse Code says S.O.S better than a written line could, however, to take it out would kill the haiku format. In addition, the language in the second sounds too much like you've attempted to fit the format, I think. Now, this could easily be me wishing for the absolute most concise language possible, but I think the lines could be done like so, "No one else has seen/the sun from where we (now) lie," and it would pack far more punch. But, again, it messes up your format. I moved "now" ahead of lie, but that's because I like it better there if you have to have it. If I had my way, it would be acceptable to leave it out entirely, since I like how the line reads without it much better than with it. But, that messes up the real format of a haiku, especially if you don't have another line to follow. But again, this is me being as
contrarycritical as I can, since I'm not finding much else to pick at, here.Anyhoo! I love this, Demi! Twisted and formatted and, well, gross. I think I've said that already, haven't I? Oh well. Thanks for a good read!
Bek
Very cute, Demmie,
)
(While I can understand morse, I cheated and used the translator, because reading it isn't quite the same as hearing it...
I don't have any negative opinions on this, so I'll just applaud you on the original idea and say that I really enjoyed how you structured this and condensed a story into such a small space. I do see Jag's critique on "feeling"; that word works well there, but giving thought to it makes it feel a little awkward. Nonetheless, your choice on closing is brilliant for effect -- disturbing, morbid, chilling, all of those good things, as good as it gets in haiku. Very well done; keep it up,
June
Well, talk about ticking some originality boxes. I mean, that's some first-class thinking there. But, it's also crazy. The idea is fabulous but in reality it's pretty annoying for the reader to have to translate it. Not that you should change it.
You use the word still in (1) and (2) which is repetitive -- in the first one it's well-placed, almost humorous, but in the second could be changed, I think.
That's about all I have -- for a string of haiki, this tells a pretty good story with the fewest of syllables possible. There's a lot more meaning in those nine lines than I've seen in full-blooded poems all over this site. Something to be proud of.
Heya Dem
I love the overall format of this, the SOS spelled in the structure itself: short-long-short, the neat little symmetry of it.
The sparseness and starkness of the style, I find, works well because of the story that goes with it--the shipwreck, the being stranded, the desperate situation; makes it sound more like it's coming from the victims, stuck with the bare bones and having to deal with it, while still having a set structure and work put into it.
The first one is short and to-the-point, sets the story off well - nothing to say here.
The second has cookie points for the morse code. My only question here is "NO ONE ELSE HAS SEEN/THE SUN", is "no one else" the rest of the world - aka, the non-shipwrecked - or no one but the one to send the message? The third haiku makes me want to believe it's that second option, but the "RESCUE US" makes me lean for the first.
The third... almost chilling, in its simplicity. Way to condense that whole idea into so few words. I was pretty close to flinching on reading it, when the meaning hit. "Feeling" is kind of an awkward word for the whole thing, though - it's too abstract, lacks in the physical/tangible department.
Unless I read this entirely wrong, in which case, please ignore me.
Great job. I really enjoyed this :D
Hiya,
I'll start off by saying that this is really clever. I love how you've split it up into three parts; something about that just seems to make sense. I especially like how you did the second bit it morse code, which makes the poem seem all the more real. I love the idea behind this, too. Anyway, I just had a few comments.
I adore this first part. It covers all the basic information we need to know and doesn't dawdle on or loose focus. However, part of me hungers for more details surrounding the incident. How many people were on board? What kind of miscalculation was it? How did the survivors you know, survive? I know this is only a haiku-- so maybe you could devote a fourth part to that. It would make seem the piece as a whole more connected.
And that's really your only weakness with this; it seems too disjointed. I feel like I'm being jerked around in this. I don't know if your intention was to create a larger, connected story or a series of mini-stories revolving around the same topic. However, when I was reading this through the first time I felt really confused (thinking to myself "okay, so they're here", then "wait, now they're here?"
Just because these are haikus doesn't mean you can't really dive into this story. You've chosen such an interesting topic to write about! Anyway, good luck with this, and PM me if you have any questions.
-Elinor x
You are very clever my friend, very clever indeed! I don't see many haiku's I like, but I loved this one. It seems like a lot of work though, with the whole Morse code thing. For that fact alone I give you great credit! When I went to the cheat site to translate I accidentally put the Morse code in the English box, stupid of me huh?
Anyway this is purely brilliant, I don't think there is anything to critic.
-FLower-
Hey Demeter!
Nice! I liked it. It was very interesting. The idea was different because haiku poems are generally about nature (not saying that's a rule but more of a generalization) which I welcomed. This is the second haiku poem that I've ever come across on YWS and it was quite good. I have never seen some use Morse code in a poem before but it really worked in this situation. I quite liked the idea because it was about a shipwreck and then by letting us go to translate the code, it made me feel that I had actually received the message. Fantastic job! Really original!
MWAHAHAHA!
-RepublicOfCoter(ROC)
Ahaha, love it. I'm waiting for my food to cook, so I had nothing else to do but decode morse code. And now I'm actually familiar with a few of the letters.
The humor in this is lovely.
I can just imagine someone on the other end, receiving a morse code haiku, talking about the unique sun. The "Come and rescue us," though, is a little odd, since it neither holds that dry humor nor does it seem like a proper plea for help.
Terribly clever. Love it.