Bonnets, Bows

Hey there Demi!

Wow, this is an amazing poem that flows very well.

and you can't tame the grey
because it lives already

The whole first stanza was pretty much perfect, but I loved this especially because you can interpret it as being whatever you think is best, and that makes the poem more personal.

and no one feels like
throwing the jackets off.

I know this has been pointed out already, but I think 'the jackets' might sound a tad better as 'their jackets'.

Bonnets, bows
day at seaside
wind blows sand into eyes

I just want to say, here, it feels a little awkward. Perhaps it could be 'a day at seaside' and 'wind blows sand into her eyes'.

That's honestly all I could manage in the way of suggestions, which shows how great the poem is. Now, a few things I loved about it.

It's clever how you used less grammar in the last few lines. It makes the ending very effective.

You don't know that
you don't belong here,
you can't mute my wind

It's great how you switched between the beach's point of view, and the girl's. It gives a very clear idea of the beach as the 'enemy' here.

Overall, you get a very clear image of what is happening here, and a very well-written poem!

Hi Demi!
This poem's beautiful - it's stuffed full of beautiful imagery and the title is very intriguing.

Bonnets, bows
day at seaside
wind blows sand into eyes
and you can't tame the grey
because it lives already –
and no one feels like
throwing the jackets off.

I just wanted to say what a great start this was. I really liked the 'grey' you described, because it could be imagined as anything, which is one of the best things to have in a poem. Only one thing... 'throwing the jackets off' doesn't make much sense. Maybe it would be better as: 'Throwing their jackets off'?

Okay, now for the nit-picking...

You don't really need
those sunglasses either,
just take them away, it's okay.

Personally, I didn't like the last line of this. The rhyme didn't work for me - it simply cut off the flow. It's almost final in a way, and contradicts all the other verses, which finish in a short, almost mysterious, way. I suggest you leave it at 'just take them away' - which could mean multiple things, which I like in a poem.

You don't know that
you don't belong here,
you can't mute my wind
look back and see shells collide
see them shatter at the shoreline

This part is beautiful - but I have to admit I'm a bit lost. You begin by speaking about how the person doesn't belong there, but then you jump to describing the images - and personally I can't find a link between the two. It might be just me, but I feel there's something missing here.

I actually, seriously, cannot find anything else wrong with this poem. It's amazing!

Sand looks soft, doesn't it?
But now it's painfully cold and
the brushwood is shredding my soul

This is my favourite part - it's so touching.

I loved the ending as well, it was seriously good

A tip: Remember to put capital letters at the beginning of each new verse, otherwise it looks unprofessional.

Keep writing!

*snuggleattacks!* You won't read this before I (hopefully) see you again, but that's okay. <3

Bonnets, bows
day at seaside

This whole first stanza is very pretty and it's especially nice because it sets the scene so well - so I just have a little comment here. Not using an article ('a') in the second line is sort of jarring; my mind wants it to be bonnets, bows/a day at seaside. I'm sure you did this intentionally and I think it's because the lack of articles makes the poem feel a little more floaty, less grounded (at least to me) which is definitely what you want in something like this.

But...I still think there should be an 'a' there and then you can sort of ease us into the unconventional style in the next few lines. Like easing yourself into the water! Ha.

Also, I think it was Blink who commented on the line throwing [s]the[/s] jackets off. I totally agree - which sort of contradicts my last suggestion, but not really, because they're two different lines - I'd cut the 'the' out completely and not replace it with anything.

and you can't tame the grey
because it lives already –

So. I totally read the other reviews, and everyone's commenting on 'the grey' so I thought I'd throw in my two cents. ^__^

First of all, I love love love love love love love !!!!1111!1!!!!11!!1 it simply because it's one of those lines that everyone reads and thinks about and interprets differently. And also because the actual image is lovely.

To me, the grey is both an emotion and a wind (bluster, breeze, whatever). The bluster especially because of the next line and then the jackets line; they suggest that to 'tame the grey' would mean to stop or to control the wind, but no one wants to take their jackets off. Wind = cold = jackets. Yes. And then if one looks deeper it could be sort of like trying to control the wind - which obviously you can't control - which leads me to the idea of futility. Which, if you wanted it to, could tie in with the line about the 'duel' and the 'letting hair down' ...and now I'm just making stuff up.

And then the sort of sad, sleepy feeling because that's what the color conveys but also because the poem starts out with a day at the beach, which is a lovely fun thing to do in summer and pretty colors and beautiful people and everything wonderful. And then with the grey, it introduces a deeper, adverse element which conflicts with the idea of the "perfect" day at the beach. So. I love it.

but it buttons with gust and
makes the mood hurt too much.

I just don't really understand this. Hair in the wind makes the mood hurt too much...? I mean, I have way too much experience with with the wind blowing my hair into my face in a really unattractive way (you've seen this! =D) but all I'd use to describe that is inconvenient so I don't know. I think there's something necessary here that I'm just completely missing.

You don't really need
those sunglasses either,

I like this - more reinforcement of the image of the not perfect beach day. Actually, I guess that's what the above two lines were as well (the ones I didn't get) but...hm. Not much to say about this, I guess.

you can't mute my wind

I've read this a few times and every time I notice how the poem begins in third person, then turns into second person, then finally first person and I've been wondering a little about why that is; I think the third person works well in the beginning, because as I said before, it sets the scene nicely of the nice beach with just a hint of non-perfection, which goes on to dominate the whole poem.

[/tangent]

And then I was reading this line again and I was like, bam! The second person is the beach speaking to the beach-goer, right? You can't mute my wind. You can't control it, you can't have your day, you can't even try. Which ties right back into the 'grey' lines and futility and asdfjkl; I love this so much. So much from just a simple possessive 'my'.

the brushwood is shredding my soul

And then here's where it switches (for me) to the beachgoer's point of view. And again as Blink said, this is gorgeous imagery.

These pages, they want to get away

And then here's where (for me) the whole poem is explained (sort of): a girl, writing on a grey, blustery, cold and very unpleasant beach. This whole stanza is beautiful, Siiri. Absolutely. Except I'm not sure about the ending - 'we both win' - how? It seems a little resigned, which could be good or bad. Again, it's one of those lines that is ambiguous enough to be taken differently by each reader.

Overall I obviously loved it - you can tell that by how much I got out of it and how I was enthused. I really, really did, and probably 70 per cent of this review was just me making things up and only 0.023 per cent was actually helpful but oh well.

One thing I wanted to mention was how the switching viewpoints (which I totally could have gotten wrong) made the beach itself a character: the antagonist, maybe. And the 'duel' makes that even more clear. I love that, the beachgoer fighting against nature (which AGAIN, I have to say it, futility. Because you can't fight nature. Or win, anyway). I also love the characterization of the beach the enemy instead of the nice atmosphere that it's usually portrayed as.

[/not making sense]
[/review]



-Mars

Hey Demi, here because I begged for something to review and well, you know the sad story.

and you can't tame the grey

because it lives already –

Okay, the first thing I want to mention is that I love the use of the word ‘grey’ strictly for the fact that it can have so many interpretations. For me at least, it conjures up an idea of a brewing storm, untamable because it has already been unleashed.

You hope to let your hair down

but it buttons with gust and

makes the mood hurt too much.

You don't really need

those sunglasses either,

just take them away, it's okay.

There is so much in these 6 lines that it’s almost too much. You jump so very quickly from the hair to the sunglasses and from the literal to the metaphorical that there isn’t much time to even ponder the image that you’re giving us. Were more divulged and more central focus be put on one subject or the other, there would likely be more power here.

look back and see shells collide

see them shatter at the shoreline

Personally, I’m just a huge fan of alliteration and I always get excited when I see wonderful examples of such within any piece of literature, prose or poem…YaY!

These pages, they want to get away

but I won't let them

they're mine now, they have to obey

it's a duel between me and that bluster

it's gory, it's tiring

but we both win

I love the way the sentences seem to mimic the struggle that your discussing here. The imagery is powerful both through imagery and through word choice.

----

Overall, I’m in agreement with Blink about some things. There is a certain washed out quality to certain portions of the poem, but that could easily change were you to possibly lengthen the poem and spend more focus to each aspect of the story.

Anyway, thanks for sending me this way. Hope I was at least a little help.

Heya Demi! Don't think I've read anything of yours in a very, very long time. I need my occasional dose of insanity, yah?

(This won't be much of a critique because I love this poem.)

wind blows sand into eyes
and you can't tame the grey

Not entirely sure what this "grey" is? I reread the poem, but I still couldn't really get a picture there, so yeah. Is it just kind of like sadness, or depression, that type of thing?

and no one feels like
throwing the jackets off.

Intentional or not, the "the" kind of feels odd to me. I reckon just "their" or maybe even nothing will work in its place--before this, in the part that a quoted first, "sand into eyes" is fragmented (you'd expect there to be a couple of "the"s knocking around) and so I don't think it really fits. I'm rambling, aren't?

You hope to let your hair down
but it buttons with gust and
makes the mood hurt too much.

This starts off quite literally (the image of hair being buttoned up is excellent) but then we move metaphorical, or at least, figurative in comparison when you talk about the mood. The image there is somewhat confusing and I don't really understand the significance of mood hurting?

... either,
just...

Methinks this should be a new sentence.

Sand looks soft, doesn't it?
But now it's painfully cold and
the brushwood is shredding my soul

This imagery is frankly brilliant. I love it.

*

That was a fantastic poem, and there's not really a lot I have to say. However, at points I felt that the meaning of the poem was somewhat washed out, because the quick change between sunglasses and the sand to the ending was all very blunt, and I couldn't really grasp any hold on it.

The imagery was superb and I felt that it certainly complemented the flow; not sure if the contrast between having good grammar and very little progressing into the end worked that well - perhaps you should be choppier at the start - but generally, not bad at all.

So, yeah! Not much more to say.

Best
Markford