About something

So, your first poem? Wow.
This was brilliant.
If there was any deep meaning other than the face value story, I am afraid I missed it, but it was great all the same.
I think the way you have written such a good poem is by making all the points you write about be not only widely relatable to, but something that everyone feels is there own, and not a mass opinion.
Yet another brilliant thing you have done is the way in which you have established the constant rhythm by placing a punctuation break at the end of every penultimate line. This works extremely well.
Very well done,
Take That You Fiend!

This is from 2008, I'm sure the writer appreciates it. But please don't bump old topics.

*locked*

(Demizzle, if you want it unlocked you can do it )

I love the idea of this poem. I appreciate the repetition - it doesn't get old, I can track with it throughout the whole poem. However, the things that you're telling ME about can be better. "Tell me about a rose ribbon in the morning sky" is too easy. "Tell me about a snowy forest beneath the stars" is too easy! But when you suddenly break out with the "Tell me about prejudice" I was relieved. You have the perfect chance to put some great description into this poem. But you NEED to find something to describe that hasn't been thought of by anyone else - or you must, as least, do it the best. Try to one up yourself with your descriptions.

The last stanza is the weakest. Cut at "I already know such things" and see how it sounds. The last three lines just aren't working.

Happy trails and writing spells!

O.o

Wow. Great job. I really love the imagery, the tone and the message of this poem. I was simply blown away after finishing it, and I read it at least 2-3 times all over again. Really...it was a great read.

However, there is one thing (in the first stanza):


tell me about a snowy forest

beneath the stars:

tell me about silence.


I think it should be a semicolon at the end of 'stars,' instead of a colon.

Overall, amazing job. I hope to see more from you soon!
Keep writing, and keep up the good work!

AKL Super-Ultra-Mega-Giga Awesome Messaging Presents...




"KL's REVIEW"



~~~



Hi, Demi! KL here! I'll be your critic for today!






First off...

If you want to tell me
about something beautiful,
tell me about a rose ribbon
in the morning sky,
tell me about a snowy forest
beneath the stars:
tell me about silence.

If you want to tell me
about something pleasant,
tell me about woollen socks
with colourful stripes,
tell me about hot chocolate
with whipped cream –
tell me about yourself.

If you want to tell me
about something secret,
tell me about the relaxing song
of April raindrops,
or about the running thought
of an animator.
Tell me about prejudice.

or about the running thought
of an animator.

And when you finally give me
the chance to talk,
I'll tell you how
I already know such things.
I'll tell you about
you being unable to awe me –
I listened without learning anything new.

I've returned =) .

Right, I find that although the flow is lovely, I'm going to contradict myself. We read "about something" over and over again, right through until the end of the poem until which time it has lost it's meaning, and instead of simply reading the poem and absorbing it, we begin to wonder why you want to hear about something beautiful, or silent or whatever. A line could sort that out, but I don't know what line. You decide .

From then on, I'm yet again in awe at your work. And that last stanza seems have been listening to my advice, because it's great. However, I did have an issue with a few other things there--the flow, and the rhythm, seem to just collapse. Perhaps you could compare it to the rest of the poem through a simple act of punctuation. Yes, I think so.

Imagery: Beautiful. The song of raindrops, and the rose ribbon in the sky, made me smile. Lovely. And in fact I suppose you're wondering I'm bothering to create a subsection just to say that. I just think it's not matched up enough. Some lines have great imagery, whereas others are just plain, if you see what I mean.

I'll tell you about
me knowing that already
I'll tell you about
your being not able to awe me
I listened without learning anything new.

This is a really lovely poem



Imagery is great, and the theme is very interesting


this is the kind you can curl up in

Demmie dearest! Stelz here!

I love your imagery in this poem, it's fantastic.

Tell me about a rose ribbon
in the morning sky

Tell me about hot chocolate
with whipped cream

Tell me about the running thought
of an animator

Tell me about prejudice.

And when you finally give me
the chance to talk,
I'll tell you about
me knowing that already
I'll tell you about
you being not able to awe me
I listened without learning anything new.

Hi Demi :)

First, punctuation. Right now you’re somewhere in-between using all the correct punctuation, and not using any. You have the periods at the end of the stanzas, and you have one comma in the last stanza. You either need to get rid of those, or fill in the many places where you would ordinarily put your commas, your periods, your ordinary punctuation.

I also noticed that you always capitalized the word ‘Tell’ when it is the first word in a line, and it was always on every other line. I’m not really sure why you did that, whether it was to indicate that it was a new sentence despite the lack of periods, or what it was. But it seemed a little strange.

In general it kind of had that list feeling. If you know what I mean. Not too badly, but it was there. At least for me. I’m not sure exactly what would be the best remedy for that, because that was the only thing that really felt wrong about this.

you being not able to awe me

Bravo! Im speechless. I loved your poem from the very beginning to the very end. I thought it was witty and creative. The third verse was my favorite. Way to start it off slow then end with a bang.
A list of the good things about this poem:
*funny
*length was perfect
*entertaining
*unique
*GREAT!

*sighs*, I envy your skill and ability. The diversity was great without being a jumbled mess, which is a very difficult thing to accomplish. It's a very contemplative poem, and it was quite consistent the whole way through.

There were some lines I loved more than others:

Tell me about a rose ribbon
in the morning sky

Tell me about the relaxing song
of April raindrops

I was great!
I didn't blow me away but I went up just a bit
Keep doing what your doing

All I can say is that I found nothing to critique. Really, I didn't. This was beautiful. I couldn't have done it better (or even this good) myself.

Tell me, what inspired you to write this. This was so inspiring itself.

Now, I feel like writing a story about woolen socks. Ha ha!

Anyways, I can't believe that something as simple as this could strike me as so... artistic and awesome. I've always liked longer pieces, but this one struck me as something really clever and from the heart. Great job.

That's all I can say. Great job.

If you ever need a critique or something, feel free to PM me.

<3,
Monki

Whoa. That's like all I can say. This is remarkable!

Your imagery is unusual, but you write it in such a way that most authors can't get away with. "Tell me about silence" is amazing!!!

You are a really, really, really, REALLY, gifted writer. Never give up on writing! In fact, I'd consider getting some of your work published. The publisher would be like, "Wow. This is SO great; we have to publish it!" Guarantee it.


Once more, it is an amazing work, and I'm sure that everyone who's read it agrees.

Wow. This was really good. I loved the imagery and descriptive words. I loved the twist at the end, and how the whole piece flowed. It was very well written. My favorite line was,

If you want to tell me

about something secret

Tell me about the relaxing song

of April raindrops

Tell me about the running thought

of an animator

Tell me about prejudice.

I just love all the emotion in this stanza. It was very well done. Good Job!

Josh

Alright Demeter,
Loved it, its flow and rhythm is perfectly layered, and it reveals enough without being patronising to the reader.
My favourite part was :
'Tell me about the relaxing song

of April raindrops

Tell me about the running thought

of an animator

Tell me about prejudice.'

I love the personification of the April raindrops, although I'm not entirely sure of the ending and how it fits in wih the rest of the poem, but in a strange way, it fits as well that I can't describe
It's a great piece of work,
See you around
Sday

I really liked this poem. The title made me, personally, want to read it so nice choice!

I'm not going to pick out images because they were all beautiful but a line I liked was 'Tell me about yourself'. In fact, that whole stanza was lovely!

I kind of agree with Leahweird about the 'Tell me about prejudice' line, but then you might specifically want it there.

It was quite relaxing to read then it changes at the end. I think the break in the rhythm you had been using was actually quite effective. It did disturb the flow that the poem had going but in doing so illustrates the change in the persona's feelings. Well, that's what I felt anyway! I also liked the change at the end from 'you tell me' to 'I tell you'.

Congratulations on a great poem!

Hey D! Here by request .

I actually really enjoyed this poem. The words were simple and the imagery was simple as well yet quite vivid and descriptive. I have to say there was a lot of talent in this poem.

I would say it was creative as well. I loved how you had two random objects moving in parallel.


Like people above, I had a problem with the last stanza. It seemed rather abrupt and didn't go with the flow of the rest of the poem. :S. It was was as if through out the poem I listening to some soothing beautiful music and as I got near the end, suddenly my baby brother comes in banging pots and pans together. It was very disturbing. Not really a good way to end a poem. So I would say make the that stanza run smoother. And perhaps reword it to go along with the rhythm of the rest of the poem.

OVERALL:

Wonderful poem really. I still read it again and again and the imagery makes me feel all warm inside.

-Hope this helped!

I agree with everyone else that this is a very beautiful poem, and that you have done a wonderful job with the imagery! Although, I noticed that the last stanza did not match the flow of the rest of the poem.

"And when you finally give me
the chance to talk
I tell you about
me knowing all that already
I tell you about
you being not able to surprise me
I listened to you without learning anything."

This stanza was, as someone else above stated, too long in the sense that it made itself sound bad."I tell you about me knowing all that already " sounds like one big jumble of words. Try changing it to "I'll tell you I already know such things," or whatever you feel comfortable with. Good luck and good job!

Hey Demeter,

I thought this was cute although it didn't blow me off my feet admittedly I enjoyed the read.

The last stanza was very unexpected which was good after all the repetition in the first ones. The only thing that slightly bohered me was the last line:

I tell you about
you being not able to surprise me
I listened to you without learning anything.

Um...wow D. This was subtely amazing, to be honest.

The first line really did it for me. Your techniques are great, and the whole poem just seems- neat. Not too neat that it's rigid, but enough to show us you're boss.

The Imagery is breathtaking, not only in itself but the way you compare one with another:

Tell me about a rose ribbon
in the morning sky
Tell me about a snowy forest
beneath the stars
Tell me about silence.

Tell me about the running thought
of an animator

*bursts into wild applause*

Beautiful, simply beautiful. I love the juxtaposition between traditional beautiful things like sunsets and hot choclate with the fresh. "Tell me about silence" gives me shivers.

I like the third verse, it's important, but bringing up something as controversial as prejudice in the midst of the poem throwsa me off. If you talked for about it the other stanzas maybe, but it leaps out a litte.

The whole thing was lovely, but the last verse was spectacular. I've read it three times and it still awes me.