maitolaituri

Hey Ceres!

The main complaint is this seems like one disjointed poem connected with a full poem! Basically? The first stanza doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem. While the first stanza is about you, you switch to talking to us. So it doesn't really belong! I suggest taking it out.

The other parts are lovely together. You're a really wonderful poet. Though I am dying to know what the title means.

Overall, I really liked this poem. I liked the images of a spent childhood and the melancholy tone of it. However, I feel like some of the breaks were awkward, and I'm not sure if it was intentional, perhaps to capture the awkwardness of youth? Also,the rhythm seems to be lacking in a few places and some of the imagery seems almost as if you're trying too hard, and some of it is too the point where it actually makes no sense.

"I remember the apron I had on
but no one else needs this
place anymore and if they sat here,
they would think twice
and know why I

feel an entreaty coming on"

I absolutely love this part of the poem, but it feels like a couple of the lines were cut short, as if you accidentally hit "Enter" before you meant to.

Anyways, don't take my comments as discouragement, because from what I've read it seems like you have potential. Hope I helped out a bit

Demsy! I wrote a review and YWS ate the beginning.

Anyway, I was saying, that this poem makes me happy for plenty of reasons -- one being that you're writing and posting, and also that writing about a milk platform is a wonderful idea because it's one of those that raises a variety of images and makes it pretty easy to imagine and such.


[[like yield before this year's harvest]]

I think the "yield before" needs another word to go with it, because it seems like it's missing something. I don't know. Maybe just the word "the"?


[[and denotations of milky around these corners]]

I'm not sure milky's an adequate word here, it's a little fragile and can't hold up the surrounding words, dear.


[[these sunrise-bathing steps and]]

I'm torn; I like sunrise-bathing, because it's a fresher variation of sunbathing, but at the same time I think the usage of sunrise bathing is a little flowery, so I can't really say. However, the image it brings to mind is pretty. Very pretty.




[[I remember the apron I had on]]

Here, I feel like I'm just being a little nitpicky, but when I first read this, I wondered why you didn't just say I wore, because had on makes it sounds like it was a one-time deal, while the rest of the poem makes it feel like it wasn't.


I really enjoyed the poem, Demi. There's not too much I can say other than what I said, because it's one of those poems that create an image that is beautiful on its own and raises a lot of thinking and stuff like that. I especially liked the second stanza. Two thumbs up, keep writing.

June

DEMETER! Writing again! Woohoo!

Long time, no read . And I tried Googling maitolaituri but came up with absolute gibberish. I also typed in 'definition of...' and still came up with nothing. So, I can only hope that you're not using a mysterious and delicious title for the sake of filling up space, because you're taking the easy way out. Is it in Finnish?

I get the feeling that the poem is about someone old, looking back on their life. Mainly from the line, 'to look young again' that seemed so direct, so sharp. And repetitions of 'the same shade of red,' 'old,' 'now and out of use,' 'can still see,' 'have since changed,' 'no one else needs this place anymore' - all of these made me think that the character is old, relatively, looking back on what things used to be like. To be honest, that wasn't particularly a challenge, with the number of times it was repeated - but good to see you doing it in a different way each time.

However, even with all the differences the narrator points out, I get this real sense of contentment from this. It's not lazy; just really, really slow. Like the thoughts of an old person - fitting, then. But that didn't make it memorable to read - the only line that interested me even slightly was the last, and by then, I thought it perhaps too late. Insteps, toenails, birches, milk platforms, paths, churns, splinters...I think the deliberate and slow tone of the poem prevents these from becoming too exciting. It's reflective, so the imagery does the job. It's just that I didn't find it particularly wowing.

But! Demeter is WRITING again (or rather, posting, as the case might be). And that makes me happy! Keep writing, Demz; from reading your NaPo again, I can definitely say that they get better the further along you get .

Hi Demeter,

I have to agree with Blink - this has potential, but at the moment it feels like a collection of images, held together by a story that's just out of the reader's reach. It's kind of frustrating! I like your use of language and the way you have selected the things you want us to focus on - particularly "sunrise-bathing steps" - but I will admit I don't understand quite how they're meant to fit together, and as such the poem loses a lot of the impact it might have had for me.

What I'd suggest is perhaps writing out a paragraph that states fairly simply and clearly what you're trying to do with this poem - what you want it to say to the reader. Then go through what you have here and try to rearrange it so that it says this more simply. You have a lot of different points here and I think the past and present are a little too tangled up to make sense of the whys and wherefores, but once you get that straightened out this looks to be a very interesting poem.

Hope that helps!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Welcome to another edition of Blink's Unhelpful Reviews.

I spent about 10 minutes reading and rereading this poem until I thought I understood what it was all about. And that's good, in my opinion - it's when I read over and over again and it doesn't make sense that the problems begin. Now, I feel like there's something much deeper going on, or I might be completely wrong, but my interpretation was that someone had gone back to where they used to work, having been closed down for some infamous reason, and the persona believes that if they go back there, they'll be young again. Milk being a kind of a metaphor for youth...?

Anyway! Whatever the message, your style was, as always, great. However, sometimes I felt as if ambiguity descended a little too much into randomness - in particular, the fourth stanza. There doesn't seem to be a connection between an apron and no one else needing the place anymore - both work as images, and help to develop the story, but I don't feel they work together.

I loved the imagery, but in a way I really wanted some similes or metaphors in there so that we could get a better idea on how this persona sees things, if you see what I mean - not so many that the attention is drawn away from the milk platform, but perhaps one that helps to explain that kind of rustic life - like the harvest yield one in stanza one. It might help explain why this character longs for the past so much. Just a thought.

The ending was great, too, or at least there was the potential there; I'm still not certain if I understand it. I'd recommend maybe a little more obvious foreshadowing to explain it? I'm not sure how, to be honest, but again, there's something to think about.

Overall, fantastic! I'm not sure what else to say, frankly. Maybe if you tell me what you intended it to be about, I can say some stuff?

Best
Blinky