Look at you, in your dear perfection.
I want to be just like you.
I want to be a star,
Noticed by others. Seen everyday.
Spreading a smile across their faces at one glance.
I want to glow as all your lights do in unison.
I want to be radiant with beauty, as you are.
Oh, Christmas tree how I loath you and your dear perfection.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
XD
Ending = WIN.
Anyway, what I would probably do with this poem is to make it lead a little bit better! Right now, it's really quite random... I would like to see more description about the tree without you actually revealing what the tree is. For instance, you can talk about it having a slightly crooked stance, since most Christmas trees are crooked, but still loved. Hard? Yes. But just think sneaky. I think if you put in more description, it'll end up being stronger overall.
See you around!
Give this a title! Anything! Right now!
).
The truth is, even it's something lame and generic, you're more likely to get people reading if there's a title. And it gives a slight hint to the theme of the poem (unless the poem's just called 'Sadness' which would be a little annoying
While there are few choppy parts that annoyed me a little - 'Noticed by others. Seen everyday.' - that really damaged the rhythm, I thought the idea was a rather unique one in itself. But the flow needs sorting, and fast. The whole 'I want' repetition gets fairly dull and seems to be restricting what you could otherwise be saying, and a way to overcome this would be cut off some of the full stops and just use commas, which would link the poem together anyway and benefit it there. While I'm not partial to rhyming poetry, some internal rhyme would really link the poem together in its ideas. The ending's great, but the reader won't get to it if they need to overcome so many distractions first.
The repetition play a damaging part in that, too, like you're waffling on at points ('as you are' 'as all your lights do' etc) but will be blunt at others (see the last example). In short, make it all seem relevant, not just tacked on, if that makes sense.
There's a lot more to say! Great poem.
Best
Blinky
Hello, CreativeFreak!
Very nice and interesting poem, only one thing I noticed.
The 'N' needs to be lowercase. Otherwise, I don't see any mistakes and I think it's a neat and interesting poem.
Good luck and Keep writing!
~Firearris
I really like the line
I love the way you paralleled loathe and dear perfection. I also like the full circle ending. *is a sucker for full-circle endings*
I really don't have much to critique in this piece
except this line (spoke to soon.)
For one its too choppy for my taste, especially since everything else in your poem flows so nicely.
And for two Christmas trees aren't seen every day. Maybe say something abstract about them only being seen a certain time of year, or rarely at all, and nix the beginning sentence.
Well, that's all I have to critique. Awesome job.
The Universe
Hey, thanks for you review.
The poem is supposed to progress on what I am thinking about at the time, I see your point, but i just wanted to clear that out.
I like how this poem reveals the true subject only at the end. The slow progression in such a short poem is really good. The only things i would critique are:
"Look at you, in your dear perfection.I want to be just like you.I want to be a star,Noticed by others. Seen everyday" Maybe if you used star as simile instead of jumping into an absolute definition of the subject. Make the star a bit more subtle.
" want to be radiant with beauty, as you are. Oh, Christmas tree how I loath you and your dear perfection" I wouldn't use the word loath after all the positive compliment.
Maybe a word relating to jealousy would improve it."
I like the style of the poem alot and even though it isn't in large quantity, it has a lot of good points. Please take some points into consideration when writing in the future.
Pages.
I loved this poem. It kinda confused me because i thought u were talking about stars but in the end it was a Christmas tree. Very tricky if you ask me. It was very short but sweet.