Every ten seconds my reborn shadow fades,
taking a little bit of me with it.
All that's left are my past foot prints
and me tracing them.
As I make my voyage
I see fireflies in the trees;
like stars that have sadly fallen,
And those "Stars" bring a sort of brightness to the forest - to the world.
Undoubtedly making it better,
But...only for a terrible second
as stars die,
they fade,
just like everything else around me seems to do.
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140,227 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hey there!
I thought this was not bad. I like the imagery in the poem, especially when you compare stars with fireflies.
Other than that, I thought that the message you were trying to portray in the poem was a little vague. I could pick up things from the fourth line onwards, but the ending was a little unclear, and so was the beginning.
Overall, not bad, just needs a little refining.
Keep writing!
Hi there-
I really liked this.. I think that the vagueness is not bad in this.. a rare occasion. It seems more a moment, more of an emotion that is linked to the last line, than a story. I also love the comparison between fireflies and fallen stars.. beautiful imagery. I would consider changing the first few lines, but otherwise, I wouldn't touch it. It's beautiful as it is.
Great job.
-Coral-
I really liked this, but it's strangely vague. Particularly the first couple lines:
It's obvious from later on in the poem that the narrator is walking through a forest. Is this why her shadow fades? Because the sun is patchy through the trees? What I took from these lines is that the shadow is "taking a little but of me with it" because the narrator is looking to her shadow for company on her journey. At least that's what I thought.
Also, the wording of the rest of the poem may be improved upon.
Sorry to be harsh. I'm going to start saying nice things now
I love your last lines, especially the very last one. It's a departure from the dreamy quality of the rest of the poem. It's as if the narrator is plunged into reality, and very harshly as well. I love it a lot!