I hated those stories of riots and wars,
When you used to think that the fact you were a musician would make me like you that much more,
When you thought I was playing hard to get.
"Away from you" was all I wanted,
But that was a concept you couldn't perceive.
"No, no" you would say and
Lead me to your car,
Lead me to your house,
Lead me to your bed.
I know that "It" wasn't what you wanted, believe me, if it was you would be in jail by now.
But underneath it all you were just lonely.
You were my best friend.
You knew me more than anyone I had ever met.
And only then - when I knew you were so sad,
When I knew you were so mad at yourself for laying a hand on a man
You didn't even know,
When I knew you couldn't bare the madness any longer - did I come to you.
You sat there, in your perdition, starring at me
As though I was someone who could take it all back,
Someone who could have at least stopped you.
All I could say was,
I'm sorry.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hey CreativeFreak,
This was pretty good. The story was clear to understand, and the words had a nice flow to them. It was also a pretty sad poem, with the loss of the person's friend at the end. But I think you could dwell upon the emotions a lot more.
Anger and sadness seem to be the two main emotions in this. You need to put more emphasis on them and expand it a bit more to add descriptions of those emotions. I think some metaphors in this would be good too. But I loved the last stanza, and that you said the least you could've done was stop him. Then you end the poem with "I'm sorry." Great ending!
With a bit of tweaking up, this'll be even more amazing! Best wishes for future writing!
RedLeaf
I love this
The title was what made me click on it and i'm glad I did. Im going to print it out and read it again and again.
my favorite part was
"Away from you" was all I wanted,
But that was a concept you couldn't perceive.
"No, no" you would say and
Lead me to your car,
Lead me to your house,
Lead me to your bed.
I feel, really feel the conflict here and its fantastic.
Its like your fighting with yourself against what you want and what you know you shouldn't do.. like you dont want to give the boy the satisfaction of having you.
The only problem was that I didn't really get this line
When I knew you were so mad at yourself for laying a hand on a man
But i really really like your style and this poem!
I can't exactly get the emotion from this piece. I feel that emotion plays a very important role, depending on the type of poetry. I don't know whether this was anger or maybe a hint of sadness. It needs more feeling, and it needs to be more pure, it needs to scream.
the words seem to slide very smoothly though. This seems pretty raw; that's what I like about it the most. Sometimes we don't want rhymes or imagery or beauty, we just want to think. We just want a story. We want to wonder. This gave me that effect. Keep writing! (:
Hey!
I like the story you tell here, and the emotion really builds as you get further on. However, I would say that the first three stanzas are weaker.
I don't know if it's a deliberate or accidental rhyme between 'wars' and 'more' (or almost rhyme) but it doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem because there are no other rhymes. Also, I agree with Retrodisco that the second line is very long. I would suggest splitting it about halfway through.
Again, I'm not sure that the repetition of 'lead me' works, as it's the only time you use repetition like this. It might well work just as well if you had 'lead me to your car, your house, your bed' as one line, and it would be more concise. It's a matter of opinion though and it's up to you.
This is another very long line, which I would suggest splitting up.
I love this bit.
Overall, I liked it a lot. The one general thing I would say is that the narrator seems to contradict themself quite a bit with what they're saying about this person. First they say, "Away from you was all I wanted" and then later they say "You were my best friend". And yes, I suppose the narrator has mixed, confused thoughts about this person, but these are directly opposing. I don't really see how you can be best friends with someone and want to get away from them. So, I don't know.
But anyway, it was an interesting read and the feeling in it grew really well. Keep writing!
This poem hit me with emotion but that emotion was apathy . I think if you use stronger words you can place the burden of your lost friend on your reader. I wanted to indirectly feel like it was my fault your friend is gone. Peace and Love.
Hey,
The content within this piece is good, so well done, and I really like what you are going for here. It doesn't quite feel like poetry though, I think with a bit of description and re-formatting it would make a so much stronger short story. It didn't really have the flow for poetry if I am being honest, and if you are to keep it at poetry the second line needs cutting down, as it is far to long.
This is where the real emotion of the piece came in. It was very subtle at the start, but here it got very intense in a way and was a very good ending.
Keep up the good work,
PM me for anything.
~Retro Disco666