z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The Great Eye

by Corvus


Pain.

Hands squeezing the life from aching bones

A spell from an invisible caster, ebbing slowly through cold veins

Did you do this?

Bring the world crashing down?

Is it Pressure from the world?

Or from yourself?

Yet the great eye stares on

bringing judgment upon you.

Pain

Shaped in the hands of time

A perfect cage, not a hole in sight

No way out of this cell in time

Alone

So alone

No fear, no regrets

Nothing

yet the great eye stares on

Like a predator watching its prey

Pain

Why do you do this?

Take the swords and forge shields

Make the silent screams war cries

Turn words into chants

scars into gold

But be careful

Sticks and stones may break your bones

But words may break your heart

Yet the great eye stares on

Boring holes into all it surveys


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
176 Reviews

Points: 1983
Reviews: 176

Donate
Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:40 pm
sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

Overall, I really liked this piece! It was beautifully descriptive. However, I do still have some comments and complaints, which I'll jump into now.

As I mentioned earlier, the description and imagery in this piece is phenomenal. Your choice of metaphors and similes, as well as other figures of speech you used, really added to the work as a whole. I encourage you to include those wonderful literary devices in future works.

My only complaint is the formatting. You have the poem centered, which is interesting. I'm not sure if you chose to do that only because you wanted the aesthetic, or if it has meaning. I'd assume it's the former, and if it is, I suggest changing that. Formatting is only necessary with a reason. However, you should still include stanza formatting, because it gives your poem a more professional look. The publishing center can be a big bully to stanzas, I know. So here's a way to be an ally, not a bystander.

First, select the "</>", after selecting the center. It should be in the top left of the display. Then put a "<p>" before each stanza, and a "</p>" after each one. Lastly, put "</br>" after each line, and you should have a beautifully formatted poem!

Overall, wonderful job! Keep up the great work, cause I look forward to seeing more from you!

~Shey~




User avatar
41 Reviews

Points: 2331
Reviews: 41

Donate
Thu Sep 21, 2017 6:50 pm
Carlymillie says...



Carly here;
I must say, I love this poem. and @DemonGoddes , you've been reviewing so much lately!




User avatar
364 Reviews

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

Donate
Thu Sep 21, 2017 6:12 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello CorvusQueen! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
Pain.

Hands squeezing the life from aching bones{.}

A spell from an invisible caster, ebbing slowly through cold veins{.}

Did you do this?

Bring the world crashing down?

Is it {p}ressure from the world?

Or from yourself?

Yet the great eye stares on{,}

bringing judgment upon you.

Add a "-" here to separate stanzas.

Pain{.}

Shaped in the hands of time{.}

A perfect cage, not a hole in sight{.}

No way out of this cell in time{.}

Alone{.}

So alone{.}

No fear, no regrets{,}

Nothing{.}

{Y}et the great eye stares on{,}

Like a predator watching its prey{.}

{Add another "-" here to separate the stanzas.}

Pain{.} {This stanza is a little weaker than the rest...}

Why do you do this?{.}

Take the swords and forge shields{.}

Make the silent screams war cries{.}

Turn words into chants{,}

scars into gold{.}

But be careful{.}

Sticks and stones may break your bones{,}

But words may break your heart{.}

Yet the great eye stares on{.}

Boring holes into all it surveys{.}


This is pretty good, especially for what the sidebar is telling me is your first on YWS. Except for the punctuation (I think that all poems, except for a select few, need to have punctuation. This is one of the ones that need punctuation), I understand the poem completely and I can see the imagery that is given across. This is powerful. Good job.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

Image


This review courtesy of
Image


Image


Image




Corvus says...


Thanks for the review! you left some good advice

ps. I put a bit of my soul into everything I write.



zaminami says...


**noms soul**

you're welcome. Thx for teh soul




The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
— Harold Coffin